HI New Mom and Others,
I'm sorry for all of your hard times and am living some of them, too.
Today I smile because I am going on six months pregnant and though all alone, when the baby kicks, I can feel not alone.
STBXH here has not been "at home" for any bit of the pregnancy and the agony he causes is now a sign that it's better that way, though the grief is consuming at times.
Still I am learning a lot, but what I do know and I hope will help at all, is that I had more than just a person to detach from. Several IC's and several priests agreed with this idea, that there is an entire life I thought was going to happen and dreamed of and it's cancelled, ruined, no longer cared for by anyone but me.
So part of my grief and maybe part of all of yours, as fellow BS's, is that we have a "lifestyle" to mourn as well as the loss of the primary person in our lives.
Whether we are INdependent or COdependent, in my mind a spouse (and children) are major or primary players in the theater that is our lives, and the acts up to this juncture, have a curtain drawn and are closed to (many of) us.
I find sometimes that imagery is useful and can take my mind off the really hard parts or people and have always felt like life is kind of like a play, or a theater, where the characters we have daily contact with are always changing.
Marriage and family is another section of the play, or a retake sometimes and it's not to lessen the idea or feelings, just make them dealable. I get tired of "life is an open book and here is a new chapter."
So anyway, detaching is about the hardest part for me, too, even though I am out of the fog that he helped put me in.
Yes, the posts that talk about remembering the hurt WH caused are truly spoken from experience. That's about the only thing that has helped me, with a few other small things. I picture he and OW heckling me and laughing at my ruined life and expense and maybe a dart board is there with my picture. It's more imagery but helps a lot keep my texting down.
Also, he ignores most of what I say, so that helps, too.
A lesson I've learned also, is that the less you contact, the more important it becomes when or if you do contact your WH. I know "mine" doesn't take me seriously at all anyway, so all of this is a mix that helps.
And a crisis line worker late one night had a point that stuck in my head. The man said to me, "ask yourself what you really are hoping to get out of any contact, first. When you feel the whim come, or something needs to be done with your hands, do something else."
SO I come on SI more than I should, but then I can type away and "work" on things, but it has saved me hours and hours of contact and more hurt.
I will close my endless letter with talking about babies and wish you well in your own recovery. You sound strong, New Mom, only 4.5 months from giving birth and being back at work and supporting your tiny new little boy. Don't discount that when you are down and maybe think of all of your feats that are behind you now.
You have more strength in me with your ability to kick him out. I only managed to do it once and it was Mama Bear, when he was emotionally abusive to our daughter and it wasn't the first time. I find when it's in regard to "our" children, I have more strength against him than for myself. I'm proud of you for that even though we don't know each other, but as mom to mom, bravo!
I think of where we live as a safe haven that I can provide us, even when DD gets mad at me for "rules". I am made fun of and complained about for "too many rules", but look what we get when there aren't any? You did the same as I do and are protecting your little boy from harm and I commend that.
I think your WH is gaslighting and other things, one term called "boomerang" when they go back and forth between women or a place to live.