So another MC session today...seems lately these sessions ADD to the pain level, cause my wife and I to drift further apart...perhaps that is how it is supposed to work.
Also seems that lately the focus has been asking me what I need from my fWW...putting me in the position of having to formulate a plan to solve the pain that the actions and plans my wife put into place caused. Considerable emphasis on what I am mis-interrupting and how I am not checking what is meant through my wifes statements. I then bring up how I check my assumptions...and then listen to my wife basically agree with my interpretations. Then our councelor says something like "yes, that is true...but so much of the discussion leading up to that point is not true". So the path to getting to what my wife states is not the path I thought it was...but the destination I assumed she arrived at was correct.
Note that I say "seem" a lot...that is because these MC sessions leave me feeling like I am not living in reality...that I mis-intrerrupt much of what is said and done. So my confidence is not high...thus no firm statements here.
To be sure I have mentioned I feel my wife has a role in assisting me with healing from the damage her actions caused...so I have requested her turn some attention to that.
Does this seem odd to anyone?
Add to this my wifes view of anyone expressing "needs" puts them in a "weak" category (an assumption that I checked with her and confirmed it is true that she feels this way, but that that is one area she admits she needs to work on changing)...which is at least partly a root issue within her that enabled her to choose to have an affair...she has trouble admitting she has needs. Maybe better said that when she feels a need she seeks the least confrontational way to fill it?
So now I am asked to find the solutions to the pain the affair has caused me AND appear weak in my wife's eyes as I do this.
I sincerely don't see how this is productive...but I do trust our councelor and during tough sessions before...some good has come from this.
I offered up some of what I have read, asked my wife to tell me why she felt an affair was an option for her, and for her to share her journey on fixing what is broken inside her...as a start.
Anyone have an opinion? Be brutally honest...I think the numbness, while not good, helps me get through the day.
I appreciate the fact that my wife is willing to do what I specifically request of her...but resent the fact that I have to tell her.
Plus, she is very independent...this will not be a long term solution.
We have the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair...it is choke full of tips and ideas. When i refer to that she says she is not comfortable doing all of those things...that it would not be geniune.
Above all else I DO desire honesty.
I am struggling to understand what I honestly need...what I need to do to stop the cycle I am apparently feeding (according to our last 2 MC sessions).
NOTE: I did suggest...and then request that we stop MC and just keep doing our own IC sessions. My counselor is strongly opposed to this. Again, I trust her.
Thanks for viewing my post.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:46 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]