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Its my job?

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blakesteele posted 7/9/2013 16:14 PM

So another MC session today...seems lately these sessions ADD to the pain level, cause my wife and I to drift further apart...perhaps that is how it is supposed to work.

Also seems that lately the focus has been asking me what I need from my fWW...putting me in the position of having to formulate a plan to solve the pain that the actions and plans my wife put into place caused. Considerable emphasis on what I am mis-interrupting and how I am not checking what is meant through my wifes statements. I then bring up how I check my assumptions...and then listen to my wife basically agree with my interpretations. Then our councelor says something like "yes, that is true...but so much of the discussion leading up to that point is not true". So the path to getting to what my wife states is not the path I thought it was...but the destination I assumed she arrived at was correct.

Note that I say "seem" a lot...that is because these MC sessions leave me feeling like I am not living in reality...that I mis-intrerrupt much of what is said and done. So my confidence is not high...thus no firm statements here.

To be sure I have mentioned I feel my wife has a role in assisting me with healing from the damage her actions I have requested her turn some attention to that.

Does this seem odd to anyone?

Add to this my wifes view of anyone expressing "needs" puts them in a "weak" category (an assumption that I checked with her and confirmed it is true that she feels this way, but that that is one area she admits she needs to work on changing)...which is at least partly a root issue within her that enabled her to choose to have an affair...she has trouble admitting she has needs. Maybe better said that when she feels a need she seeks the least confrontational way to fill it?

So now I am asked to find the solutions to the pain the affair has caused me AND appear weak in my wife's eyes as I do this.

I sincerely don't see how this is productive...but I do trust our councelor and during tough sessions before...some good has come from this.

I offered up some of what I have read, asked my wife to tell me why she felt an affair was an option for her, and for her to share her journey on fixing what is broken inside a start.

Anyone have an opinion? Be brutally honest...I think the numbness, while not good, helps me get through the day.

I appreciate the fact that my wife is willing to do what I specifically request of her...but resent the fact that I have to tell her.

Plus, she is very independent...this will not be a long term solution.

We have the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your is choke full of tips and ideas. When i refer to that she says she is not comfortable doing all of those things...that it would not be geniune.

Above all else I DO desire honesty.

I am struggling to understand what I honestly need...what I need to do to stop the cycle I am apparently feeding (according to our last 2 MC sessions).

NOTE: I did suggest...and then request that we stop MC and just keep doing our own IC sessions. My counselor is strongly opposed to this. Again, I trust her.

Thanks for viewing my post.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:46 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Getting to Happy posted 7/9/2013 16:44 PM

No. It is not your job. You did not blow up the marriage with selfish needs and horrible unilateral choices.

In case she forgot her vows, marriage is two becoming one. You cannot heal by yourself with her still being in the picture.

No fair.

Wait...she wants a pass to ignore you while you suffer from her A, call you 'weak' for being in pain and still have you there as a loving husband supposedly helping her to heal...WTH!?!

We have the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your is choke full of tips and ideas. When i refer to that she says she is not comfortable doing all of those things...that it would not be geniune.

She is not genuinely sorry or your not genuinely in pain...

And she is not comfortable...of course she isn't. It is not comfy to admit that you destroyed the one you vowed to love. She made some crappy choices and now SHE needs to make amends, in a loving, caring manner.

NOT YOU, HER. Period.

She cannot dictate to you how to heal. Only you can decide what will help you come back from the abyss. Please do not cater to that and play into her twisted logic. It adds insult to injury.

They say 'no good deed goes unpunished...' You are offering her the gift of R. Don't let her swing it like a club and beat you with it.

She either gets with the program and follows the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" to the 'T'. (since she apparently does not have the empathy to understand why it works) or you may need to turn away from her to lick your wounds in private. Away from her. 180 baby!

Please protect your heart and take care my dear blakesteele.

Later posted 7/9/2013 16:52 PM

Expressing one's needs makes one weak? What exactly is the alternative? To be passive aggressive? To have one's needs met outside of the marriage?

Althea posted 7/9/2013 16:59 PM

I think your therapist may be getting at you being more vulnerable, opening up to your wife about your pain and needs. To do that, you need to have trust in the safety of that. I don't think I would have that given your situation. Neither your MC or your WW seems to be giving you much in terms of making you feel safe...Opening up and being vulnerable is very hard. When you do it with a spouse who is not truly remorseful, you are opening yourself up to a whole new level of pain. Something to keep in mind. In my experience, it is totally worth the leap of faith, but only if you have a remorseful spouse and a safe space to do it in.

blakesteele posted 7/9/2013 17:06 PM

Thanks GTH...I appreciate your thoughts.

My wife has never asked for a free pass or said I just need to move on....I appreciate this fact and want to clear that misunderstanding up.

The views she has expressed in writing and verbally are that people with needs are weak in her eyes...she has a strong independent streak due to, among other things, her FOO.

My wife has actually professed she admires my strength to do what I do.

My real question is our counselor is really driving this path now...not my wife. I put in how my wife and I have interacted before the last couple of MC sessions...our C has observed this interaction. I believe my C has had the benefit of seeing us both in MC and individually in IC sessions.

The driver behind my post is to figure out what, if anything, I am missing so badly here. I did not get really angry today...mostly calm...really trying to understand what I am doing that is driving my C to the point of pushing me hard.

Is she trying to get me to the f-it point so that I can fully detach from my wife...and then have a clean slate to rebuild from? Does she sense I am close to a true revelation and if the pressure stops now I will miss it?

Anyone out there ever experience guidance like that which I am receiving from my C?

I failed to 180 at the begining because I did not know about. Once I learned about it I failed to do it because of the TT'ing that took place and the lies that were told during that phase that led me to believe my wife was on-board with rebuilding our marriage. Failed because of my own FOO issues and I was telling myself real, true R was in I ruled out 180'ing. I talk with my C she beleives real R is in play and that the goal should be to connect...not distance.

This is the point of this post...My C is more firm on this then any other point to I must be missing something.

I feel a pressure to figure this out....stop the cycle...."lean into it" so to speak.

How do I do this without causing more damage?

GTH...I do sincerely appreciate the geniune concern you showed me here...thank you. I really hate how negative and sad this experience has left me being. I have so much to be grateful for...and had a really good night with my entire family last night.

I so want to keep my character and integrity entact through this process....

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:24 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Rise And Shine posted 7/9/2013 17:11 PM

I am asked to find the solutions to the pain the affair has caused me

I remember wanting to believe that if my WH had the power to put me in so much pain then he must also have the power to make that pain go away. I sure as hell didn't know what I needed and it's not like I didn't spend every minute trying to figure it out. I would have given anything to figure out what I needed to take away my pain. I just couldn't figure it out. My WH didn't have the answers either.

I don't know if asking the BS what they need beyond the basics is a fair position to put the BS in. The BS's needs can be fluid and unpredictable for quite a long time. What I needed from my WH one minute wasn't what I needed from him the next. My basic needs were...

I needed honesty 100% of the time from him but believed him only 1% of the time- but I still needed it.

I also needed him to have superman fortitude while I asked him for reassurance and punished him when he gave it to me. He stayed put with that fortitude the entire time I told him that he wasn't man enough to have fortitude (over 2 years!). But I still needed it from him.

I needed complete transparency and he gave it to me when I asked him for it and when I wasn't asking him for it. It didn't do all that much for me, but I needed it still.

I needed him to treat me with respect even though I was so batshit crazy disrespectful to him. I needed him to reassure me that no matter how far I drifted away from him he would stay put and wait for me.

He did all of that even though none of it helped. But had he not done even one of those things I would have divorced him instantly. Crazy.

blakesteele posted 7/9/2013 17:21 PM may just have something there!

As I ponder what you state about feeling safe...I do feel vulnerable doing what is being asked of me.

One of the main reasons is that my wife has said she is not 100% in our relationship...maybe the better way is saying she doesnt feel 100% connected to me. C says this does not mean she is not committed to our M.

I get what you some point one of us will have to take that step and say "You know what...there are no guarantees...but here I go"...and do that which is uncomfortable.

I don't feel safe right now.

I was in counseling for anxiety issues in August of last wife attended those sessions with me. At that time I felt VERY safe admitting my issues in front of my wife and assumed she was comfortable and supportive by being there with me.

Turns out her A was in full swing and growing in August of last year. Kicker is trying to decide why I was having anxiety issues. Before the A surfaced it made a lot of sense why I had some issues with anxiety due to FOO issues (fear of laid when my Dad dissappeared almost overnight due to my parents D over Dads infidelity...totally gone for a decade...and my Mom having to work a lot to support us....having a family going from stable to unstable almost overnight. I have always tried to secrue my surroundings just "in case everything goes south"...something I THOUGHT was healthy and good). But what also makes a lot of sense is the anxiety I had because of the subconscious vibes I was getting from my wife as she stepped out on our marriage.

To be sure...I have wrestled with anxiety for the past2-3 years at some levels...but they peaked during last summer...never to the level where I couldnt work and be productive, but did affect my mood in a negative way.

Thanks for the thought...I am really getting to the point where I would almost welcome new pain just for a change of pace. Perhaps I will be the one to take the leap of faith and let it all hang out.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:31 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

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