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ouchbroken posted 7/9/2013 17:15 PM

I don't even know where to start or how to feel...this isn't newly found out...just don't really know where to post. Found out last Fall that he had cheated again. He stopped seeing her but he has texted her as recently as May. He says that he has had no more contact and that he loves me and wants to stay. But that he is not "in love with me"...He talked about stuff a little bit but seems to want nothing to do with trying to help me heal or figure out why he has done this again. We can't afford a counselor...I don't want this to be the end of our relationship...just venting right now. No one knows what he did either time and I have no one to talk to...I'm going crazy...

Duffy1958 posted 7/9/2013 18:44 PM

I'm sorry Ouch. This sucks. Does your life remind you of a chapter in the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? Thats me. It is VERY hurtful.

If it were me, I would be very skeptical he is not still seeing OW. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be hurtful. I know you want this to work but if he "isn't in love with you" what choice do you have?

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Please don't accept anything else for YOU.

Turn the table on him & tell him after much consideration YOU don't see how you can let a cheater & liar into YOUR valuable, safe (boundary observant)-soon to be happy-life.

You can't accept the slovenly treatment of him because it isn't right. It makes you crazy. 180 read in healing library about 180. I need a refresher if you want to talk about it.

Be strong sister. You are not alone. I don't know where you live but maybe you can get counseling & support you aren't aware of. Check yellow pages under women's services. Often Catholic church counsels, in non-denominational manner, no charge. I was ready to call suicide hotline for help during an anxiety filled evening. I didn't but it could be used in the manner I was feeling. You could as well.

Things seem overwhelming right now because you have been hit by a train but are still living. Hang on, hang in there.

mysticpenguin posted 7/9/2013 19:58 PM

Do you have any proof that he hasn't had contact since May? "I love you but I'm not in love with you" seems to be code for "I'm seeing or about to be seeing someone else."

If he's not giving you what you need to heal, don't keep giving him the best of you. He's not in love with you? Fine. Let him get a taste of what life will be like without you. Move him to a guest room or the couch, no more sex, no more favors, no more doing his laundry, etc.

I'm so sorry you're going through this :(

Ashland13 posted 7/9/2013 20:24 PM

I would be concerned that what he may want is the situation that being with you makes his life. If he says, "I'm not in love with you", (which I heard, too, BTW and the words still ring in my ears) it may be a way to hang onto the life he has "with you" but not have to feel romantic or "relationship".

It's something of a red flag for me, I'm sorry to say.

I found a counselor who lowered her rates dramatically when she heard my story, so there are some out there who may do that for you, as well, if you choose. There are also free centers based on social services that counsel. I've called them in the wee hours of night, in order to get through the night and they are trained in separation and divorce, too. They knew all the lingo and really helped.

I find myself surprised at my own advice because it took so long for me to realize things weren't going to work the way I wished, but now what I wish for others is, we don't have to accept someone's crumbs. I don't mean it to be harsh and understand it takes a long time to let feelings go for someone who hurt us, but we don't have to accept it. We just have to let our minds accept that there may be other things.

STBX was the love of my life, as was marriage and it was ultimately me who filed, though it emotionally wrecked me. People told me they were shocked and so did he, thinking I had no courage, but you know what? We all do...we just have to let ourselves dare to think there could be something more or something else out there waiting for us.

Duffy1958 posted 7/9/2013 22:43 PM

Wow Ashland! Good job! I LOVE it that you surprised STBX! Ha! Ha! In your face!

How are you doing Ouch? Checking in on you! Take care of yourself!

ouchbroken posted 7/10/2013 06:40 AM

Thanks for the counseling advice...I'll look into it. I, too am not sure that he hasn't had contact but I haven't been able to catch him...any suggestions would be helpful. Obviously when I ask he tells me that he has had no contact but I can't believe him...of course. I am very upset and hurt by the "I'm not in love with you" crap even though he tells me that he loves me. I also feel that he may be afraid to be out on his own and chooses to stay for that reason. I just don't feel like I'm ready to end this marriage. I did tell him last night that I'm tired of him treating me like a doormat and he needed to start talking to me and working on this with me TODAY or he needed to leave. That scared him but will it get him to open up? We will see how this goes when we talk later. Thanks for all of the support everyone.

Lalagirl posted 7/10/2013 06:53 AM

((((ouch))))

Sometimes it takes drastic measures to get a WS to remove his head from his ass.

Start with the 180 - for YOU...so you can survive if the M does not.

I did tell him last night that I'm tired of him treating me like a doormat and he needed to start talking to me and working on this with me TODAY or he needed to leave. That scared him but will it get him to open up?

IMO, this may be what needs to happen. It worked for me (except I left, but the circumstances were different with regard to our home and the kids were grown). It is HARD. I will not lie.

I hate to belabor suggesting counseling, but in all honesty, and again, IMO, this is something that the BS cannot "fix" in the WS - need to get to the root of his issues as to why he did this in the first place.

He's cake-eating (having the "security" of his wife but having a "no responsibilities" OW on the side)...there's a saying here...Close the Bakery.

Hugs....

hill posted 7/10/2013 09:11 AM

I'm sorry (((ouch)))

Have you really examined why it is that you don't want this to be the end of the relationship, when he is telling you that he's not in love with you, he isn't willing to help you heal or figure out why he has cheated multiple times?

I know it's hard to leave a marriage or relationship that spans over many years- but if he isn't in love with you and isn't doing the work to reconcile, I'm not sure there's a relationship there to salvage. You may find, down the road, you are happier by letting him go. Just something to think about- you can't do all the work in the relationship. He needs to step up, commit, and prove that he truly loves you.

(((more hugs)))