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I think I am at the end of this rope :(

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HappilyUnMarried posted 7/9/2013 18:27 PM

This may be a long and convoluted post, but I hope you guys can set me straight like you have many times before. This is killing me.

SO and I have been dating 6 months. We have a great time when we are together, but I think our differences are starting to kill us. Kill me at least. I am not sure if I want to continue even though our relationship (when we are together) is really "fun" and he treats me very well. Long-term I am not sure I can handle this. Is it worth it? Should I live in the moment or start moving on?

Where to begin? Well SO is really quite the "life of the party/extrovert type". And yes, he is fun. A lot of fun. He is an only child, and has always done what he wants when he wants, even when he was living with his wife of 30 years. Now that we are in a committed "longer term" relationship, his uber-social behavior is starting to bother me. A lot.

They say what attracts you most at first to a person is eventually what starts to piss you off. I can attest to this. And yes, I have talked about it with him many, many times. He says he 'gets it' but based on his subsequent behavior, I don't think he does.

Background...

He plays golf, poker or goes to happy hour almost every night. He invites me when it's not a "guys thing". He has tons and tons of friends... single and married men and single and married women. And, yes, ex-girlfriends who are now just "friends".

I sometimes enjoy going out and socializing, but being an introvert, I need some down time to recharge. I explained to him that spending my "downtime" is much more fun WITH him than WITHOUT him. But my "downtime" does not involve socializing with a bunch of other people. I want to watch a movie with him, have a quiet dinner, talk, etc...

I told him that he needs to make sure he plans to spend some "alone" time (besides just sex) with me or I'll start feeling neglected.

Last week really pissed me off so badly that I impulsively broke up with him. He played golf/poker every day last week and either stayed at his place or showed up in my bed late each night. Too late to do anything except for sex. Friday night we were talking about going dancing. He called me at about 9pm to tell me he was just leaving the golf course and that we could go out after. I told him not to bother coming back to my house at all. I called a girlfriend and went to a movie instead.. fuming! We have had this same issue before...I call it being "inconsiderate"... but we have talked it out, and thought he "got it". Apparently not.

I regretted the impulsive break-up (that's a whole other story!) we got together and talked. He said he will try to tell me in advance when he makes plans so I can make alternate plans. I also told him I wanted to spend more alone with him.

That was yesterday. This week he has poker planned for Wed and Thur. Then on Friday his parents come into town and will stay at his place while we stay at mine. Not sure if I will go out with his parents or not... it depends on if his son is working or not. That part is okay. At least he told me that part in advance so I can make other plans (if I want to). He said that tonight (our only free night) he will come over to my place after work.

But about an hour ago he texted me and invited me to go out with him and his single girlfriend (he says platonic, but I think she likes him) to go drinking at a pool hall near my house. Ah, no thanks! I had a hard day today... witnessed a guy get run over on his bike. I was pretty stressed out and can use his company. In addition, he knows I need to get home to my DD12. In other words, he knew I would say no and he was free to "play" then come home to my place afterwards.

I told him don't bother coming over after, but he told me his stuff is there, etc... I just texted him "K". What else could I do?

This is the only day we could be together alone, and he knows it. But he chooses to have a drink with his single girlfriend. How fucked up is that?

As far as I know, he hasn't cheated on me and comes home to me almost every night. But still I feel shitty.

Any insights? Keep in mind, when we are together things are awesome. He is kind, considerate, etc... it's just when we AREN'T together I start having issues. Is it me or him???? Both?

Sorry about this ramble, but I am just ready to quit. Last time I did, I panicked. I do really love him. WTF? Being solo was so much easier!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 6:40 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

NaiveAgain posted 7/9/2013 18:36 PM

This is the only day we could be together alone, and he knows it. But he chooses to have a drink with his single girlfriend. How fucked up is that?
He isn't making you a priority. He is making you a back-up plan, basically for when he is done having fun with his other friends. It would piss me off too.

I'm so sorry.....but from what you write here, it just sounds like he has to be the center of attention, of lots of people, all the time (or at least most of it.) That doesn't sound like good relationship material.

I would be okay with my SO going out and hanging with friends. Thursday, my SO is going to see a movie with his buddy. Cool. Gives me time to do my own thing. But, it is okay with me, because he spends about 80% of his available alone time WITH ME!

I think the clashing life-styles will also be a problem, because be honest here...if he goes out every day with his friends, it is going to leave you feeling alone and neglected. I would feel that way. You need someone that likes to socialize once in a while but also likes to be a homebody once in a while.

HappilyUnMarried posted 7/9/2013 18:44 PM

Thanks NA, you are right. But what I found out when I broke up with him is that maybe, just maybe, being with him "sometimes" is better than not being with him at all. In other words, maybe I should live in the moment. He is good for me in that he gets me out of my shell. But at 49 I am not getting any younger. Do you break up with someone that you have a blast with? Or do you cut your losses and be miserable (hopefully temporarily) keeping your longer relationship goals in mind? That's my issue here

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 11:01 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Sad in AZ posted 7/9/2013 18:52 PM

I think you love what the relationship could be because it doesn't sound like you have a relationship at all. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants and you get upset. Even if you were happily doing your own thing, you wouldn't have much of a relationship.

As NA says, you are the backup plan. If you're not ready to break it off, start asserting yourself. Don't be available for him whenever he has a whim, and don't let him run roughshod over you (his stuff is at your place indeed...) Start planning your own activities and DO them. Tell him he can come along if he wants but don't wait for him. Look at it as a modified 180--you will get yourself into a safe position, and it may make him realize what he's missing, but that's not the main thrust.

HappilyUnMarried posted 7/9/2013 18:55 PM

Tell him he can come along if he wants but don't wait for him. Look at it as a modified 180--you will get yourself into a safe position, and it may make him realize what he's missing, but that's not the main thrust.

So wise! I was never very good at the 180, though. But I think this is what I need to do. Already booked myself for barge cruise for Saturday when he is with his parents. I just am not good at hiding my emotions, but Im going to try!!!

NaiveAgain posted 7/9/2013 19:10 PM

To HUM, my SI twin...

But what I found out when I broke up with him is that maybe, just maybe, being with him "sometimes" is better than not being with him at all. In other words, maybe I should live in the moment.
That is EXACTLY how I felt with XSO. Damn he was fun. He was SO MUCH fun! I haven't had a lot of fun because I was too busy spending my life working, being a good wife, parent, blah blah blah. I was starved for fun, and he provided it. It lasted, off and on, for four years, because I NEEDED that fun.

Then, I got tired of it. I got tired of him not making me a priority (again, when we were together, he was 100% totally focused on me and made me feel like his Queen. But for him, out of sight, out of mind, basically....)

He was great for me for what I needed at the time. I did need to run wild for a bit, and he was perfect for that. But I grew past him and decided, after a while, that the fun wasn't worth the misery of not getting my basic relationship needs met.

Do you break up with someone that you have a blast with? Or do you cut your loses and be miserable (hopefully temporarily) keeping your longer relationship goals in mind?

He isn't going to last forever for you. He isn't what you want in a partner. So....your choices are:

1. Stick with him, be exclusive, have fun, but you will always feel something missing and at some point you will start to resent him.

2. Have a talk with him and be friends with benefits (if you are capable. I tried that with XSO, but my heart was already involved and it didn't work so well.) But if he is cool with that (and he may be, because it takes some of the pressure off of him, that frees you up to keep your other options open.

3. Break up (when you are ready, and it will hurt, no matter what, but for me....I waited long enough until he pissed me off so bad I was done, done done.....). YOu will have to heal, but you will be completely free to find what you really need.

4. There may be other options that I'm not thinking of, but those are the main 3.

missherlots posted 7/9/2013 19:48 PM

I think you have the answer but it is hard for you to let go.

Last time I did, I panicked. I do really love him. WTF? Being solo was so much easier!

if you allow it to keep happening, it will keep happening.

I can tell you to try to convince him to not being him, but is it ever possible?

Remember what it is always said here.
YOU can not change anyone else but YOU.

Hope it helps even though to open your eyes is not fun.

love yourself!!!!

my two cents

lieshurt posted 7/9/2013 20:35 PM

Regardless of whether you have fun with him or not, the truth is you are not his priority. As others have said, you are a good backup plan when he doesn't have anything else to do or he wants to get laid. Is that really what you want to be? No, of course not. You deserve better than that.

Being with somebody who has to go out all of the time, who constantly needs attention would honestly wear me out. I like my down time too and I have to be with somebody who understands that and who's lifestyle complements mine.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 8:35 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

HappilyUnMarried posted 7/9/2013 20:42 PM

I can't tell you what it means for me to hear this from everyone. I truly love you guys!!!! I knew all this intellectually, but it's hard to see the fire when you are in the middle of the flames!

Thank you! He's coming over tonight (he's having dinner right now with his girlfriend and her girlfriend! Discussing real estate, he says. It doesn't matter. whatever.) I'm going to have this difficult discussion with him. No holding it in. No resentment. He shouldn't have to change and either should I. We both need someone 100% in our own courts. We are wrong for each other. Neither of us is right, neither is wrong. We are just different.

And I just proved to myself I am capable if a relationship! 6 months! New record!!!! I can do it!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 11:01 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 7/9/2013 20:47 PM

He sounds immature and impulsive. Fun, but not able to put anyone above his needs.

Too bad you can't talk to x-wifey to get her take on it.

I like this saying:

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.

HappilyUnMarried posted 7/9/2013 22:55 PM

Well guys, you do make a difference! I needed you and you guys delivered the "truth". We broke up tonight. "We are different" was my theme. But it is done. He spent 3 hours in a therapy session with his platonic girlfriend while I was dealing with the stress of witnessing a guy get run over on his bike today. I am not his priority. You guys called it. Thanks! I know I am going to hurt for a while, but in the long run it is for the best. Thanks so much ... I know I'm going to be a mess for a while, so please bear with me!!!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 5:46 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

inconnu posted 7/9/2013 23:13 PM

(((HUM)))

hurtinky posted 7/10/2013 04:18 AM

Looking at this as another introvert, I'd be done just because of all the partying and activities and him never wanting quiet time at home. I really think it is rare that an extrovert and an introvert get along well.

But, there are other red flags. The platonic girlfriend thing...I don't know...sounds like he is a little too close, emotionally. I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Overall, as I read your post, it felt to me that he's having the time of his life, at your expense. He gets to do all the things he wants to do, none of the things you want to do, and he doesn't make you a priority.

Being alone isn't worse than being with someone who doesn't make you a priority. I'm loving being alone.

stronger08 posted 7/10/2013 04:46 AM

Me thinks the guy still lives in the "Frat house" mentally. There comes a time when a man needs to grow up and take a more serious approach to life. Everyone loves a free spirit. They are fun to be around and loved by all. But you need to keep in mind that if your involved with this type of person. He/She must be shared with their extended social circle. If that's what you want in a relationship, great. If you want a more mature, personal relationship, not so great. IMHO life simply can not and should not be so blasť. There needs to be balance. Too much fun or not enough is out of balanced. KWIM ?

NaiveAgain posted 7/10/2013 06:51 AM

(((HUM)))
Just remember, you have the right to request what you need in a relationship, and it doesn't matter if it isn't cool, if it seems "needy", or if someone else doesn't think it is valid. Your needs are valid.

With my new SO, I outright told him in the beginning that I "NEED" to be a priority, and I can't deal with someone who has lots of close female friends. Those are "my" requests. There are guys out there that are fine with that, so if he wasn't....that is okay. He can find someone else that doesn't care if she is on the back burner and he is close to other females.

Funny thing is, after telling my SO those things, he liked it. He said I am the first woman to take him seriously enough to be somewhat protective of a relationship with him and it makes "him" feel more valued.

It is okay to ask for what you need. You will find the right person at some point that will value those needs.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. (((extra hugs)))

better4me posted 7/10/2013 09:37 AM

((HUM))
I think you made a wise decision. My first h was just like this guy and I am a lot like you. It just gets old after awhile. Love the "we are just too different" outlook as it is the truth. Love the "I will hurt for awhile but LOOK, I had a relationship" attitude too.

Hope you are doing okay today!

HappilyUnMarried posted 7/10/2013 10:37 AM

The platonic girlfriend thing...I don't know...sounds like he is a little too close, emotionally. I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

No, I never did like this. He has a TON of platonic girlfriends and ex-girlfriends that he regularly stays in touch with. He knows I don't like it (he is aware of the after-effects of my ex's A), so he always invites me to go with him...he opened up the phone so I can read everything... has never, ever lied to me about anything. He was really good that way. But, infidelity isn't really the issue here. The issue is that if I am hurting bad (that accident I witnessed is still shaking me up), he should have been there for me! Not meeting his friends (girls or guys) at a bar helping them sort through their problems. I should be the priority! It's so clear now. I did the right thing. This has been happening a lot lately, but this particular incident was the nail in the coffin. Once I pointed this out to him I think he really saw where I was coming from... and my reaction to it was valid. But it doesn't matter what he thinks, only about what I think. That is the "new" me talking!

There comes a time when a man needs to grow up and take a more serious approach to life. Everyone loves a free spirit. They are fun to be around and loved by all. But you need to keep in mind that if your involved with this type of person. He/She must be shared with their extended social circle.

Totally this^^^^ But I do think that some men never grow up. XSO() is 54. And... call me selfish or whatever... if I am in a real "relationship" I should come first in his life - not his friends. I don't want to share him with everyone.

Just remember, you have the right to request what you need in a relationship, and it doesn't matter if it isn't cool, if it seems "needy", or if someone else doesn't think it is valid. Your needs are valid.

SoulSis NA -- you hit the nail on the head! If I seem "needy", it is because I truly do "need". Attention, affection, time, whatever. If SO isn't providing this to me then it is my prerogative to end it. I get to set the rules of what I will or will not tolerate in a relationship. It is my life too!

Hope you are doing okay today!

I am doing okay this morning. Going to see an outdoor concert in the PM with girlfriends. But my DD12 is taking this break-up very hard. She was really, really attached to SO (another word of warning to those that introduce their SO to their kids...). He sent her a message that she was a blessing in his life. It set her off. Poor girl, she's been through a lot

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 10:45 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Crescita posted 7/10/2013 12:46 PM

(((HUM and DD)))

Once the sting of the break up passes, I think your DD will be proud to see how strong her mom is. It takes a lot of courage to make yourself a priority, and is certainly a good thing to model for her.

ajsmom posted 7/10/2013 12:54 PM

I know better, but it truly sounds like you were dating my X.

Mr. Outgoing for sure. Like you, one of the things that first attracted me (we're both extroverts) but over time it became the thing that constantly rubbed me the wrong way. Especially the constant partying. Having lived with one, he sounds very much like an alcoholic. Trust me, that is NOT the life you want for yourself.

So many parallels here it's frightening, down to the being friends with all the X's, which as you know is read: No boundaries. My X still is best buds with one of his false R hook-ups - a woman he previously could not stand. She provides him a drinking partner and a place to crash if need be in our old neighborhood so she's obviously a keeper in his world.

You were wise to walk away and value yourself over the kibbles he was tossing your way. I sense a deep undertone here of your own remorse that you saw this and hung on anyway for awhile. Know there is no shame in that. Sometimes we want people to be who we'd like them to be, not be who they really are under all the layers.


AJ's MOM

UndecidedinMA posted 7/10/2013 13:33 PM

Totally this^^^^ But I do think that some men never grow up. XSO() is 54. And... call me selfish or whatever... if I am in a real "relationship" I should come first in his life - not his friends. I don't want to share him with everyone

This is the absolute truth. Better you found out now than try to "change" him. If he didn't get it the first couple times he just didn't want to.

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