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Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

User Topic: letting go of old grudges in R
MartlArts
♀ 36130
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so I'm 'cursed' with an excellent memory. I remember minute details of conversations w/people from decades ago. So I remember every single time my H has hurt me, or so it seems.

When we 1st met, he had poor boundaries. He is friendly to everyone regardless of gender, etc., but used to be a bit too flirty. Also used to get 'crushes' and not even try to hide the fact. He had the notion that as long as he didn't get physical it wasn't that big a deal.

As time went on, and I think as our relationship deepened, he matured and sort of grew out of that behavior. I was (surprisingly for me) able to repress hurtful memories and rugsweep for many years. I was happy with the mature him and didn't think too much about how it used to be.

Then an old hs gf looks him up, and they have a brief, long distance OEA. He ended it of his own accord when she got too blatant. I'm more techy then either of them, and retrieved records of their communications, so am quite confident of that. I found out a few months after it ended.

He has been 100% remorseful, for the OEA and his hurtful behaviors from yrs ago. He is not THAT GUY, and hasn't been for some time.

Problem is, dday brought back all those repressed memories. Sometimes one will pop into my head and I'm enraged!

Did IC for awhile a few yrs ago, liked my IC and she did help with some of that, as well as putting some things in perspective. But came to a point where she didn't feel I needed to continue and keep rehashing, and I agreed.

But I'm not good at stopping the triggers and thoughts. Anyone have any tehniques that work for them?


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm like a squeaky wheel with this on SI, but I really think meditation is critical. Even if that seems too fluffy for you, there is a lot of science to back up that meditation is soothing to the psyche. It can help release trauma and rewire the brain, so to speak. I find it as helpful - if not moreso - than my awesome IC. You can do guided meditations on letting go of trauma, for example. You can self-teach meditation or go to a center (there are lots of free or low-cost classes at meditation centers if you live in a city). There are a ton of meditation podcasts out there if you need guidance.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
MartlArts
♀ 36130
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, RockyMtn. I'll do some research on it. I know my constant picking at the scab of old injuries gets in the way of happiness now. I appreciate the advice.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 3

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