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suckstobeme posted 7/9/2013 19:47 PM

Its almost three years since the world exploded and lots of friends are now asking me about dating and putting myself out there. They all say this because they think I deserve to be happy and to find someone who is exponentially better than ex. I'm not unhappy now, but you know how people sometimes believe you need that other person to be complete.

Here's the thing though - it sounds like a decent enough idea, the idea doesnt make me want to puke like it did a year ago, but I also am thinking that the risk far outweighs the benefit. I've apparently never picked well and I don't know why I would serve myself up on a platter again in exchange for the very real possibility of having my heart broken somewhere down the road.

If someone can give me a good reason, I might try. Otherwise, the wall that I've built is only gonna get taller. I'm young - only in my very early forties, but I just wonder if I will be alone for the rest of the time I'm given. Not so much because I'm scared, but because I think I don't really believe in love anymore. It seems to me that so many people are willing to destroy others without a second thought, I'm not sure real love exists. From what I see, promises don't matter and most people stay together out of habit or obligation or laziness. I didn't used to think that but ... You all know what changed that.

For those of you who have gone on to find a person that you believe is a keeper, please tell me what I would be missing out on.

Sad in AZ posted 7/9/2013 20:25 PM

Take this from an old lady. Forget love; look for friendship. True love comes from real friendship.

NaiveAgain posted 7/9/2013 20:29 PM

Going thru life jaded and with walls up is not a good way to experience life. I know it is a huge risk to let those walls down, but I am glad I have done it. I want to live life. I don't want to hole up inside myself and let fear control me.

I have dated a few times since the WS and I have gotten hurt again and I am not sorry, and I am trying again. XSO broke my heart terribly for a while, but I healed again, and I learned much and I have no regrets. I had a great time with him. I had so much fun. I experienced parts of life that I would never have experienced without him. No regrets.

Right now, I am dating a guy that I had previously friend-zoned. It is so worth the risk. My life is richer with him in it. My life is great without him, and I have many friends, accomplishments, hobbies, and things to do. But he adds a dimension and a depth that even close friends cannot.

I don't know if this will last. No guarantees. I hope it does. I have let him into my heart in a new way I've never done with anyone else. I am learning to trust again (with some steps backwards.) I am learning to be vulnerable (scary as shit!) And I am learning to really put myself out there, on the line, in ways I've never done before. It is growth for me, that I would not be able to experience on my own. I can take chances with my career and making friends. But taking a huge chance with my heart shows me I have courage that I didn't know I had before.

There is no growth without pain, without taking chances, and without risk. You have to decide if it is worth it for you. I just know that, for me, I refuse to live a life ruled by fear. I know for certain I would have regrets about that on my deathbed. I don't want any regrets about chances NOT taken.....

suckstobeme posted 7/9/2013 20:37 PM

That's the thing, Sad - every significant relationship I've had was born out of friendship. My ex was my best friend in grad school. I didn't think of him any other way for almost an entire year. When we actually did get together, i believed we had a great foundation because of that but he obviously didn't feel the same. I just wonder if it ever exists outside of your family and close friends.

inconnu posted 7/9/2013 21:00 PM

You may not be missing out on anything you need. I, otoh, had my mother as my prime example of what I didn't want to become. She didn't date at all, after my dad died. She was in her mid 40s at the time, btw.

She seemed okay with that decision, for the longest time. Then when she hit her mid-60s, she figured out she missed doing couple things, only she also decided it was too late to do anything about it. It's now 10 years later, and she still complains about not having a companion. When she found out I was dating someone after my divorce, she got a little sad, and wistful. It's pretty obvious she now regrets her decision to not date.

I didn't want to be that person, when I get to be her age. I like being in a relationship. I like being a partner, especially when I am valued and appreciated. And I most especially did not want the last time I ever had sex to be the horrible, drunken, anniversary during false-R sex I had with ex before I caught him still cheating.

So for me, the risk of being hurt again was worth taking. And after I met my SO, when I was more concerned that I would somehow hurt him with my brokenness than I was with getting hurt myself, I knew I was healed enough to be in a relationship.

What I learned is being in a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship is so much different. I finally felt what being cherished is really like, and I know I am adored by a man who is not afraid to tell me or show me. I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

fireproof posted 7/9/2013 21:05 PM

I think from someone who wrote this that you have to choose to be happy and go for it whatever it is.

I don't think you would be missing anything without a SO just the opportunity to positively open your heart in that way again. For some that is not a priority. No decisions in any relationship do or should need to be made- time will tell.

It is my belief that relationships with close friends new friends family are sometimes if not more fulfilling than an SO.

I will tell you I know if someone whose whole joy is seeing their children succeed and be happy and she was a widow in her early 40s and never even considered dating. The most content woman I know

Be yourself and the right person will figure out a way and so will you if it is meant to be.

I got the same advice and have met both men and women who are dear to me.

missherlots posted 7/9/2013 21:16 PM

dear suckstobeme,

I think your ideas at this point are correct. why would you play the risk to be hurt again?
when someone is really to date is because there is something missing in their life, whatever it is.
You are considering to date because your friends are pushing you, but you are not ready because it is a personal inner call.

Love and friendship is impermanent. one day it will be gone, sometimes by dead other by choice but the happy days we had with it makes us feel happy.

I am not going to tell you that there aren't some risks to play by it but the regards are far better that any wall you can built.

I hope one day you will choose on your on to date again and find the right person for you, but until then keep healing and let your being tell you what you need.

here we all love you with or without a partner.

My two cents

SeanFLA posted 7/9/2013 21:36 PM

There's also that saying around here..."Don't let one person define who you are."

Sounds to me like you've done a good job of allowing that to continue. Many of us do. But after three years I think it's time to begin moving on. Know all men are not like him. Just know that you are more wiser and more educated now. You know what red flags to recognize. You are a stronger person now. You just need to let the anger go and I sense you haven't yet. You still might be struggling with that. If not you will never be in a place to accept someone new. I'm not saying you have to forgive. Just become indifferent. Go out and have some fun. Live life. You deserve it.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:37 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

I.will.survive posted 7/10/2013 05:53 AM

What I learned is being in a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship is so much different. I finally felt what being cherished is really like, and I know I am adored by a man who is not afraid to tell me or show me. I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

100% agree with this. My SO was a complete stranger to me. Met him online so developing a friendship moved at lightning speed to an exclusive dating relationship.

I now know what it's like to be cherished. To be thought of as a partner, to be taken care of emotionally, spiritually and physically. If I hadn't given him a chance, I would be fine on my own....but a new dimension has been added to my life and it makes me happy.

Don't settle though. If it doesn't feel right after a few dates, let that one go. A partner is what you are looking for and you'll know security when you FEEL it.

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