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Struggling today

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allingoodtime posted 7/9/2013 21:10 PM

It's been over a month since D-Day, and most of the time, I think I do pretty well. WH and I are settled into a routine, the kids are happier with us all in the same house again. To my knowledge, there has been no contact between WH and OW. My WH has been fantastic most of the time--bringing home flowers, we've gone on a couple of "dates", he cooks from time to time, and really helps out with the kids. But...I just can't seem to get past this massive road block. Why did it take having an A to be this man he was early in our marriage?

In addition, The OW and I have some mutual friends, so from time to time pictures pop up of her--she looks happy and it bothers me on a huge level. I wonder how she and her husband, as well as my WH can all go back to life as usual while I'm stuck in this pit trying to get over the hurt. Is this normal?

I don't know what to do. It's just one big mess in my head. Trust issues after trust issues, hurt on top of hurt...Some days, all I can manage to be is a Mom. Forget being a wife on those days. There are times I barely even want to look at him. Crazy? Maybe. I don't really know.

thecosmogirl posted 7/9/2013 22:28 PM

I do not have the children issues in my ordeal, thank God! We both have kids from previous marriages. Only one 17 yr old living on the same property (not in the same house).
But my trust issues are very bad.
I like to say my WH is being the best he could be, but he was also the best husband do I really know??!!??
I know for a fact there has been NC only because I have been with him pretty much every second since Dday. ...and I check the phone logs and secret text apps. Almost daily.
I still can not fathom leaving him alone yet...even though I am in need of a vacation!!
Just press on. Only advice I have but, remember, I'm new to this also. .
I do a lot of reading in the Healing Library. It seems to help. Sometimes we read it together, I think that helps, too.

Again ((hugs))

thecosmogirl posted 7/9/2013 23:03 PM

I think my tablet lost my last post.
But the gist of it was, stay strong. Run, work out, eat well, whatever...just stay strong!!!
Read the Healing Library. I've done a lot of that lately. It does help!!!

RidingHealingRd posted 7/10/2013 05:52 AM

It really is very normal. Sadly, this will probably go on for much longer than you care to imagine, but it is survivable.

It certainly helps to have a remorseful WS. One who works daily to fix the mess he/she created. It sounds like yours is doing just that. Hopefully he has the fortitude to endure the long road ahead.

Be true to yourself. I held nothing back. His feelings were not my concern. I never begged. I expected a lot and he delivered. I made it clear that if my WH didn't like it, he could leave (he never did).

When you feel terrible...tell him.

When you can't sleep...wake him.

When he is not doing enough...make him.

When he seems too happy...bring him back into the reality of your life.

When you can't stand to look at him...don't.

If you need to ask that same question for the 100th time...ask.

If you don't believe bullshit.


If he is doing everything right...let him know.

My WH wanted R more than I and as a result there was no false R. 2.5+yrs later he continues to work daily to right his wrong and to be a better H, father, person. Anything less than that and he wouldn't be welcome in my life.

Wishing you strength in this difficult, but not impossible, journey.

Lalagirl posted 7/10/2013 06:45 AM


RidingHealingRd hit the nail on the head - excellent advice!

I understand your dismay of seeing OW "happy" - xOW in my sitch and I also have mutual friends and I too see her pop up from time to time and her "happiness" annoys the shit out of me. But I try to remember that she "looks" happy - people have a way of portraying themselves on FB in a light that is positive when in fact, they may be miserable, KWIM? I keep in mind that I have my FWH back - head clear from ass - out of the fog, remorseful, etc...and frankly, xOW does not seem to have the conscience to feel remorse - it's all about her. Try not to let her occupy your headspace.

I see your D-day is so new - this is going to take time. One day at a time, sweetie...keep posting...we'll get you through these triggery times.



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