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I can't trust him yet

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grapefruit posted 7/9/2013 23:35 PM

I just looked at the history on our computer and found that my H had been looking at the FB profile of a female colleague of his (who he's FB friends with). We've talked about her before and he's admitted that she's attractive (which she is) and he has shown me text messages she's sent to him which I think are bordering on inappropriate for work colleagues (nothing major - just talking about the weather or whatever rather than sticking to strictly work stuff). I found out about two months ago that he was looking at pictures of a mutual female friend of ours on FB too, who is also attractive. He agreed that it wasn't a good look considering everything, and he seemed to have learned his lesson.

He has never cheated on me with anyone he knows beforehand - only prostitutes and unpaid prostitutes that he's found online (both in person and online). So I never worried about his behaviour with people he knows. But I think this shows a lack of transparency and a lack of respect. I am not doing anything I wouldn't do in front of him, and I thought he was doing the same. God knows what he's getting up to on his phone! Urgh ...

He is working really hard on his issues (we both are, as we are MHs) and MC has been going really well. Our communication is much better and we have both been feeling really positive about the future. So why is he doing things like this that set us back? It just proves that I can't trust him yet. I am so angry.

grapefruit posted 7/10/2013 00:32 AM

He comes home with flowers, as if that makes it all better. I asked him to answer honestly to the question about why he was looking at their profiles and photos; he admitted it was because he finds them attractive. Can you be in R and still engaging in this sort of behaviour? I told him it was like being a Sunday Christian.

I am REALLY angry. It seems like such a small thing but it speaks volumes. It calls into question the rest of his behaviour.

I had a search for messages between him and the mutual friend, and it is bordering on inappropriate - more so than with the other woman. Again, it's fairly innocuous but it's a bit too friendly and there's quite a bit of talk of grabbing a coffee sometime (which apparently never eventuated).

Why doesn't he get it?? I told him I found someone attractive that I recently came into contact with (but didn't actually meet), and I saw him cropping up on FB (in mutual friends' comments) but I didn't click on his profile because I realised it would be inappropriate. Why can't he think the same way?

Urgh, someone help please!

Stillhurting1977 posted 7/10/2013 01:21 AM

I think how you feel is valid for you. If it bothers you, let him know.
Personally, I wouldn't be worried about looking at people's Facebook profiles because it is common for people to randomly look at attractive people's Facebook photos.
It would be the messages that would get to me the most. The flirtatious conversations. Your WH needs to be able to practice establishing boundaries with members of the opposite sex and that means not engaging in flirtatious behaviour.

Good luck

grapefruit posted 7/10/2013 02:22 AM

Thanks, SH. It obviously bothers me and I have let him know - and this isn't the first time! He knows it isn't acceptable behaviour and he knows it sets us back ... so why does he do it?

I don't accept that looking at FB profiles is ok. It's not the same as checking someone out on the street. Maybe if there was no history of infidelity! But given that he used to spend entire days looking at women's profiles (much less innocuous), I don't think it's on.

Yes, the flirtatious conversations are a worry, but admittedly they happened before DDay. He said he would never engage in conversations like that now.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 7/10/2013 09:50 AM

I agree with you about looking at the profiles...especially if he was hiding it AND has done it on more than one occasion AND admits that he was looking because he finds them attractive AND there were messages sent back and forth setting up a coffee meet?!?!?!?! If i were in your shoes, i would be pissed/hurt as well. Just my opinion, but i find the entire thing to be a violation of trust, crossing of boundaries and a lack of respect.

I see that you are in MC...i would make this a topic of discussion at your next session.

MartlArts posted 7/10/2013 10:02 AM

I agree your feelings are valid, I would be as uncomfortable with his actions as you are. SbS has a good, suggestion to discuss in MC and get a neutral opinion.

rachelc posted 7/10/2013 10:16 AM

I would ask him if he wants to be single or married. And if he says married then he should act like you are the only woman in the world for him.

looking at facebook pics of attractive women is different than noticing someone coming towards you on the street, as someone here mentioned. What he did was a deliberate act. After what he did there should be no cake eating of any kind.

grapefruit posted 7/10/2013 20:38 PM

Thanks, guys.

Just my opinion, but i find the entire thing to be a violation of trust, crossing of boundaries and a lack of respect.

I see that you are in MC...i would make this a topic of discussion at your next session.

Me too! Yes, we will definitely discuss it at our next MC session. Unfortunately, this happened the day after our last session, and we don't have another one for two weeks.

We talked today, and I told him that I feel it's hugely disrespectful to me. I said I don't want to be with someone that's looking at profiles of attractive women. He agrees wholeheartedly. Since he's in treatment for sex addiction - although his IC doesn't believe he's an addict, which we agree with - we're regarding it as "acting out". He said he hadn't thought of it like that, but he believes it is. I think it's similar to looking at the classified ads of prostitutes, even just to look - it's still acting out. He said that before, actually. He said he'd been feeling almost smug until now that he'd been doing everything 'right'. Clearly, he still has more work to do on himself.

I've told him I don't want to create boundaries for him, that it's up to him to do that. So he has suggested some things that I am happy with. I'm just angry that this isn't the first time we've had to have this conversation since DDay - I'm not willing to have it again.

I feel that I am being open and transparent with him. I had one of my OM come into work the other day, and I told him. I didn't want to - I didn't want to have to bring it up and have it ruin things, but then I thought, once you start keeping something from the other, you're creating walls, and that's when problems start to happen.

Thanks for listening to me!

MartlArts posted 7/10/2013 21:15 PM

grapefruit - it took courage to share with him that the OM came in. Good for you! And glad to hear he seems to be getting it now.

grapefruit posted 7/11/2013 02:16 AM

Thanks, MartlArts.

And yeah, he definitely gets it. Just doesn't seem to be able to live by his word. What makes it harder in some ways is that he's actually a really good husband most of the time. Thoughtful, considerate, appreciates the job I do as a mother, hates causing me pain ... and yet does these things that he knows will hurt me, without thinking. I don't understand it.

Dare2Trust posted 7/11/2013 02:34 AM


Personally - if my WH couldn't control his behavior on FB - I'd demand that he get his butt off Face Book, and find something more constructive to do with his time.
It appears your husband needs "help" in setting and maintaining boundaries...SO, I'd be more than willing to HELP HIM. He would be OFF FACE BOOK, if he was married to me.

Your WH's behaviors are inappropriate and unacceptable - and he knows it.

As for this statement:

God knows what he's getting up to on his phone! Urgh ...

Do you have access to his phone? If not -- why not?

I'm sorry for the ongoing pain you're going through.

grapefruit posted 7/11/2013 03:40 AM

Thanks, Dare.

Do you have access to his phone? If not -- why not?

I do ... I have taken it on occasion to look at, but it's a work phone and he could delete anything he wanted off it. Same goes for his work computer - I would have no idea if he got up to stuff there (he has an office by himself and used to do a LOT of acting out there).

It appears your husband needs "help" in setting and maintaining boundaries...SO, I'd be more than willing to HELP HIM. He would be OFF FACE BOOK, if he was married to me.

Apparently he does need help. I just thought the boundaries were clear before. I don't want to dictate the boundaries for him - I want him to be man enough to decide boundaries (maybe that's naive!) - and he said that he should keep off Facebook last night because it always gets him into trouble.

[This message edited by grapefruit at 4:23 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Dare2Trust posted 7/11/2013 11:43 AM


It appears your WH has a long, long way to go!

he said that he should keep off Facebook last night because it always gets him into trouble

Face Book does not get people into trouble. I have a Face Book account - and I don't do "inappropriate things" on my account!!!

Your WH's poor CHOICES is the problem...not Face Book!
His poor boundaries and poor choices get him into trouble!
He needs to grow up!

grapefruit posted 7/11/2013 15:37 PM

I guess I should've mentioned that he had coffee with the one whose profile he was checking out without telling me. (Incidentally it was the same weekend he brought his current AP to our house to f*@# - busy weekend! This was all before DDay obviously.) So it's not just some random woman.

Dare2Trust posted 7/11/2013 18:24 PM


Your "story" is confusing...It might help h people who want to post advise/opinions if you took the time to briefly write out your story on your profile page.

That's what most posters here on SI have done.

grapefruit posted 7/12/2013 01:59 AM

Fair enough. Done!

grapefruit posted 7/13/2013 16:24 PM

Just to clarify ...

1) My H had a coffee date with a colleague he finds attractive and didn't tell me about it. This was before DDay.
2) I found out that he'd been looking at pictures on Facebook of a friend who he has also admitted he finds attractive (his explanation was that he was "just curious" for a long time). This was just after we started MC and I thought transparency was really important.
3) We had a conversation about the colleague he had coffee with. I said I was uncomfortable about her. That's when he admitted he had coffee with her without telling me. He showed me texts from her that were bordering on inappropriate (some personal stuff, which doesn't need to be shared with a married male colleague). Since then, he forwarded me messages from her and showed me his replies, which were strictly professional.
4) I discover that he's been looking at her profile and pictures of her on Facebook. Given the conversation we had about me being uncomfortable, I don't think it's on. He completely agrees, and is very sorry.
5) Last night, I said "don't you remember the conversation we had about this?" and he said "I forgot."

I'm not sure how to proceed. I feel betrayed all over again, even though it seems like a small thing. I told him I don't trust him and don't feel safe with him. We already don't have sex much - he doesn't initiate it (didn't before DDay either) and I don't want to go there right now. He already knew I felt unattractive to him. What do we do now?

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