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HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/10/2013 06:48 AM

I've been thinking about this for a while now so I thought I would make a post about it to see if others have thought the same.

What I don't understand is HOW these people find people to actually cheat with, especially the ones who have multiple people they are cheating with or repeat these behaviours over and over again.

For me, it takes me long enough to find someone I actually want to be with so I really don't understand how these cheaters can just find people so easily. Most of the time, I have read that the OP isn't even that attractive. I know looks aren't everything but come on! When I am in a committed relationship, I don't even look at anyone, I could spot the best looking man on earth and just feel nothing. I really don't get this at all. Is it because they're just really not that picky?

shatteredheart7 posted 7/10/2013 07:11 AM

In our case, the OW bowled with my H. The first time I met her she tried to be all buddy buddy with me. I was nice to her, that is just my nature, however as soon as we left I told him "that woman is just waiting for the chance for something to go wrong for us so she can go after you". His response was "like I would ever be interested in her". Fast forward about 7 yrs, we were having problems and he was clinically depressed. They were still bowling together. Started sharing problems and it went from there. I honestly think he is still in shock over what he did and especially because it was with her. She isn't someone that he would normally have anything to do with, even if he was single. In our case, she was a predator who knew just what to say to stroke his ego and he was weak and selfish.

I think that in a lot of cases they just flirt until they find someone that is willing/weak/selfish enough. Unfortunately, there are just too many willing/weak/selfish people in the world today.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/10/2013 07:33 AM

That does make sense shattered. I still really don't get it though. Maybe their ego really means that much to them

LiedtoLucy posted 7/10/2013 07:48 AM

My H and his OW were in nursing school together and their affair started when she asked him if he would "like to go somewhere and fuck her" after class one day. Yes, the whore knew he was married. I had JUST given birth to our second child one month before and was not even cleared for sex again yet. This went on for 4 years while they got a job at the same hospital working the same hours. It is disgusting. There are a lot of desperate trashy women out there. Predators. Makes me sick!

Garnet posted 7/10/2013 09:52 AM

Desperate and trashy is exactly what they are!!! Pathetic people who do pathetic things only thinking of themselves!!!!

BW2639 posted 7/10/2013 09:59 AM

I think that in a lot of cases they just flirt until they find someone that is willing/weak/selfish enough. Unfortunately, there are just too many willing/weak/selfish people in the world today.

I think shattered heart "hit it " right on the head. ( I tried to copy that ....didn't show as a copy)

[This message edited by BW2639 at 10:00 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

stunnedin12 posted 7/10/2013 10:35 AM

For wh it was a combination of proximity, ego stroking, time together and chickie was obviously everything I am not.

Spideysense posted 7/10/2013 10:39 AM

Unfortunately I think that affairs have become more common, and its easier to find someone. the first time i wasnt looking, wasnt planning, etc, it started as someone that i thought was a friend...took a lot of friend interaction before i made the awful decision to make it more. i do know of so many people that have ahd affairs though that honestly until it affected my H and I, i didnt even get shocked by it anymore because it seemed so common...a sad state i know....i no longer feel that way.

painpaingoaway posted 7/10/2013 10:48 AM

When I am in a committed relationship, I don't even look at anyone, I could spot the best looking man on earth and just feel nothing.
Me too. It's really hard for me to understand.

IMO, it all boils down to the lack of values and morals in society. There is a huge segment of society that simply have no values. And I think they are so shallow that they don't even know that values exist in other people. It has no meaning to them. They could care less.


[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 10:51 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

m334455 posted 7/10/2013 10:53 AM

All of the women my husband has been involved with or tried to get involved with are people he either dated/had a Friends with Benefits thing with or was friends with and wanted to date in HS and college. Two of the three I know about are confirmed ex girlfriends.

I kind of "get" the "I was there first" mentality of these women as warped as it is. I skipped my 20 year HS reunion two weeks ago because I still feel that way a bit about my XH, who was my HS and college sweetheart before we got married for two years after college. And that's no good for anyone.

People are players and go out looking, people meet folks at work, and remember that many people approach sex more casually than you do.

Hope some of that helps.

eTA by FB in my original post I meant friends with benefits, not facebook!

[This message edited by m334455 at 10:54 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Notmetoo2011 posted 7/10/2013 11:48 AM

What I don't understand is HOW these people find people to actually cheat with, especially the ones who have multiple people they are cheating with or repeat these behaviours over and over again.

This is what I have wondered too though my WH had no trouble finding person after person willing to cheat with him, including employees, friends wives, and acquaintances, all of whom knew he was married.

When I am in a committed relationship, I don't even look at anyone, I could spot the best looking man on earth and just feel nothing.

During the same time period, I don't remember being "hit on" once, though of course, I was not looking and I have always been careful about my boundaries. WH has always been an extrovert while I am much more introverted. At the time, I didn't even register that boundaries were being crossed with the friends he ended up having As with. I just thought it was part of his personality to be super friendly and helpful to everybody. I guess because the thought or desire to cheat never entered my head I just assumed he wouldn't either

It seems there are no end of people out there who, for what ever reason, feel its okay to cheat. Hence the popularity of websites such as Ashley Madison (which naive little old me had never heard of before DDay).

solus sto posted 7/10/2013 12:09 PM

Mr. Trac-Fone can't form any meaningful relationships---really, he doesn't have a genuine friend on this planet, and never really has. (He put on a damn good act for a very long time, though.)

Anyway, he found affair partners by trolling for them. In strip clubs. On Adult Friend Finders. In bars. His Big Affair--the one that blew up our marriage--was with an old "friend" from high school he "reconnected" with via FB before a high school reunion. She's as fucked up as he is, and as entitled. Basically, she is the female version of my husband. They were quite a good match, and may still be.

Yet, he's still trolling Adult Friend Finders and other online sex sites. He uses a Trac-Fone (hence his moniker) so that he can avoid contact when he doesn't want it. Basically, he finds people willing to exploit and be exploited.

Apparently, there is no shortage. He's been active in this lifestyle for a good 20 years.

hopefullromantic posted 7/10/2013 13:16 PM

Obviously some people have no boundaries and are always on the prowl, knowingly or not, but sometimes even relatively healthy people can find themselves in an A, without really knowing how they got there. Sometimes boundaries can slip during difficult times (often there is a life event they are not dealing well with), and it helps to create the perfect storm of circumstances that can lead to an A. Shaky boundaries can easily put two people on the slippery slope.

stillhere09 posted 7/10/2013 17:13 PM


What I don't understand is HOW these people find people to actually cheat with, especially the ones who have multiple people they are cheating with or repeat these behaviours over and over again.

Unfortunately, you need to look no further than Facebook or the workplace.

I know. I have spent some time thinking the same thing. It's a sad state when society has no morals or values.

Tripletrouble posted 7/10/2013 17:51 PM

At my last workplace, which was a small company I left more than a year ago, I could have had 10 affairs. I had 3 different men actually physically make a move. I even heard there was a wager. People, I was dressing and acting professionally and did nothing to advertise myself as available. And... For crying out loud I'm in my 40's. It was the corporate culture there - lots of fooling around, and the HR manager was one of the ones fooling around!
This is why it has hit me so f*ing hard that my WH joined AFF. Does it get any skankier to find an AP than that?

Tripletrouble posted 7/10/2013 17:53 PM

I will also add that I think infidelity has mainstreamed. I have heard ads for Ashley Madison on a popular radio station in my major metro area.

MylarPineapples posted 7/10/2013 18:12 PM

I have heard ads for Ashley Madison on a popular radio station in my major metro area.

Seriously?!?! I had never heard of AM until I came to SI. There are actually major radio stations selling air time to something as sleazy as AM?!

I know that in my WH's workplace, cheating is very much a part of the culture. Many people have had affairs with one another. And when I've asked WH what it was that attracted him to the OWs he was sexting with, his answer was basically just that they were willing - that's it.

I have been reading "Not Just Friends", and I found the author's explanation of this point very interesting. I think she basically said that for someone who is totally committed to their spouse, they simply don't recognize their opportunities for affairs. I know that I certainly would not welcome or encourage flirting from another man; my WH, on the other hand, actively initiates and pursues flirtatious interactions with other women. I suppose that's how he figures out who is receptive and who is not. Depressing that it never seems to be difficult for him to find someone willing to whore around with a married man.

Tripletrouble posted 7/10/2013 18:17 PM

Seriously. And I thought to myself "what kind of f*ed up people do that????". Oh, Mr. Triple, that's who.

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