Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: How?
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ 35178
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking about this for a while now so I thought I would make a post about it to see if others have thought the same.

What I don't understand is HOW these people find people to actually cheat with, especially the ones who have multiple people they are cheating with or repeat these behaviours over and over again.

For me, it takes me long enough to find someone I actually want to be with so I really don't understand how these cheaters can just find people so easily. Most of the time, I have read that the OP isn't even that attractive. I know looks aren't everything but come on! When I am in a committed relationship, I don't even look at anyone, I could spot the best looking man on earth and just feel nothing. I really don't get this at all. Is it because they're just really not that picky?


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
shatteredheart7
♀ 39734
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our case, the OW bowled with my H. The first time I met her she tried to be all buddy buddy with me. I was nice to her, that is just my nature, however as soon as we left I told him "that woman is just waiting for the chance for something to go wrong for us so she can go after you". His response was "like I would ever be interested in her". Fast forward about 7 yrs, we were having problems and he was clinically depressed. They were still bowling together. Started sharing problems and it went from there. I honestly think he is still in shock over what he did and especially because it was with her. She isn't someone that he would normally have anything to do with, even if he was single. In our case, she was a predator who knew just what to say to stroke his ego and he was weak and selfish.

I think that in a lot of cases they just flirt until they find someone that is willing/weak/selfish enough. Unfortunately, there are just too many willing/weak/selfish people in the world today.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ 35178
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That does make sense shattered. I still really don't get it though. Maybe their ego really means that much to them

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
LiedtoLucy
♀ 39246
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and his OW were in nursing school together and their affair started when she asked him if he would "like to go somewhere and fuck her" after class one day. Yes, the whore knew he was married. I had JUST given birth to our second child one month before and was not even cleared for sex again yet. This went on for 4 years while they got a job at the same hospital working the same hours. It is disgusting. There are a lot of desperate trashy women out there. Predators. Makes me sick!


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 179 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Garnet
♀ 39070
Member # 39070
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Desperate and trashy is exactly what they are!!! Pathetic people who do pathetic things only thinking of themselves!!!!


Garnet☀

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MA
BW2639
♂ 34875
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that in a lot of cases they just flirt until they find someone that is willing/weak/selfish enough. Unfortunately, there are just too many willing/weak/selfish people in the world today.

I think shattered heart "hit it " right on the head. ( I tried to copy that ....didn't show as a copy)

[This message edited by BW2639 at 10:00 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 175 | Registered: Feb 2012
stunnedin12
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For wh it was a combination of proximity, ego stroking, time together and chickie was obviously everything I am not.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2013
Spideysense
♀ 39591
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately I think that affairs have become more common, and its easier to find someone. the first time i wasnt looking, wasnt planning, etc, it started as someone that i thought was a friend...took a lot of friend interaction before i made the awful decision to make it more. i do know of so many people that have ahd affairs though that honestly until it affected my H and I, i didnt even get shocked by it anymore because it seemed so common...a sad state i know....i no longer feel that way.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I am in a committed relationship, I don't even look at anyone, I could spot the best looking man on earth and just feel nothing.
Me too. It's really hard for me to understand.

IMO, it all boils down to the lack of values and morals in society. There is a huge segment of society that simply have no values. And I think they are so shallow that they don't even know that values exist in other people. It has no meaning to them. They could care less.


[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 10:51 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
m334455
♀ 26893
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of the women my husband has been involved with or tried to get involved with are people he either dated/had a Friends with Benefits thing with or was friends with and wanted to date in HS and college. Two of the three I know about are confirmed ex girlfriends.

I kind of "get" the "I was there first" mentality of these women as warped as it is. I skipped my 20 year HS reunion two weeks ago because I still feel that way a bit about my XH, who was my HS and college sweetheart before we got married for two years after college. And that's no good for anyone.

People are players and go out looking, people meet folks at work, and remember that many people approach sex more casually than you do.

Hope some of that helps.

eTA by FB in my original post I meant friends with benefits, not facebook!

[This message edited by m334455 at 10:54 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Notmetoo2011
♀ 32912
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I don't understand is HOW these people find people to actually cheat with, especially the ones who have multiple people they are cheating with or repeat these behaviours over and over again.

This is what I have wondered too though my WH had no trouble finding person after person willing to cheat with him, including employees, friends wives, and acquaintances, all of whom knew he was married.

When I am in a committed relationship, I don't even look at anyone, I could spot the best looking man on earth and just feel nothing.

During the same time period, I don't remember being "hit on" once, though of course, I was not looking and I have always been careful about my boundaries. WH has always been an extrovert while I am much more introverted. At the time, I didn't even register that boundaries were being crossed with the friends he ended up having As with. I just thought it was part of his personality to be super friendly and helpful to everybody. I guess because the thought or desire to cheat never entered my head I just assumed he wouldn't either

It seems there are no end of people out there who, for what ever reason, feel its okay to cheat. Hence the popularity of websites such as Ashley Madison (which naive little old me had never heard of before DDay).


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jul 2011
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. Trac-Fone can't form any meaningful relationships---really, he doesn't have a genuine friend on this planet, and never really has. (He put on a damn good act for a very long time, though.)

Anyway, he found affair partners by trolling for them. In strip clubs. On Adult Friend Finders. In bars. His Big Affair--the one that blew up our marriage--was with an old "friend" from high school he "reconnected" with via FB before a high school reunion. She's as fucked up as he is, and as entitled. Basically, she is the female version of my husband. They were quite a good match, and may still be.

Yet, he's still trolling Adult Friend Finders and other online sex sites. He uses a Trac-Fone (hence his moniker) so that he can avoid contact when he doesn't want it. Basically, he finds people willing to exploit and be exploited.

Apparently, there is no shortage. He's been active in this lifestyle for a good 20 years.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9044 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
hopefullromantic
♀ 16652
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously some people have no boundaries and are always on the prowl, knowingly or not, but sometimes even relatively healthy people can find themselves in an A, without really knowing how they got there. Sometimes boundaries can slip during difficult times (often there is a life event they are not dealing well with), and it helps to create the perfect storm of circumstances that can lead to an A. Shaky boundaries can easily put two people on the slippery slope.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Oct 2007
stillhere09
♀ 24924
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What I don't understand is HOW these people find people to actually cheat with, especially the ones who have multiple people they are cheating with or repeat these behaviours over and over again.

Unfortunately, you need to look no further than Facebook or the workplace.

I know. I have spent some time thinking the same thing. It's a sad state when society has no morals or values.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Tripletrouble
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At my last workplace, which was a small company I left more than a year ago, I could have had 10 affairs. I had 3 different men actually physically make a move. I even heard there was a wager. People, I was dressing and acting professionally and did nothing to advertise myself as available. And... For crying out loud I'm in my 40's. It was the corporate culture there - lots of fooling around, and the HR manager was one of the ones fooling around!
This is why it has hit me so f*ing hard that my WH joined AFF. Does it get any skankier to find an AP than that?


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Tripletrouble
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will also add that I think infidelity has mainstreamed. I have heard ads for Ashley Madison on a popular radio station in my major metro area.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
MylarPineapples
♀ 39570
Member # 39570
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have heard ads for Ashley Madison on a popular radio station in my major metro area.

Seriously?!?! I had never heard of AM until I came to SI. There are actually major radio stations selling air time to something as sleazy as AM?!

I know that in my WH's workplace, cheating is very much a part of the culture. Many people have had affairs with one another. And when I've asked WH what it was that attracted him to the OWs he was sexting with, his answer was basically just that they were willing - that's it.

I have been reading "Not Just Friends", and I found the author's explanation of this point very interesting. I think she basically said that for someone who is totally committed to their spouse, they simply don't recognize their opportunities for affairs. I know that I certainly would not welcome or encourage flirting from another man; my WH, on the other hand, actively initiates and pursues flirtatious interactions with other women. I suppose that's how he figures out who is receptive and who is not. Depressing that it never seems to be difficult for him to find someone willing to whore around with a married man.


Me: BS, Him: WH, 3 kids
8/08: EA with former neighbor
1/13: EA/Sexting with Coworker #1
6/13: Sexting with Coworker #2

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tripletrouble
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously. And I thought to myself "what kind of f*ed up people do that????". Oh, Mr. Triple, that's who.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 18

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.