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What to do about the BS?

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getting_stronger posted 7/10/2013 07:51 AM

Yesterday, a month past DDay, the BS contacted me. Telling me that my WH and his wife had sex. Nothing new. But my issue? He sent a Facebook message to my mother, and who knows who else letting them know as well.

I spent last night blocking them and making sure that our profiles were private and they couldn't see anything, including friends lists.

He's always been nice to me prior to this. I tried warning him before the affair turned physical, and he blew me off. But yesterday, it's like he went off the deep end. He seemed to think my husband got to live his life like nothing happened while their lives are in ruins. He and the OW are working things out. But yesterday he was spouting off, saying my husband took advantage of his wife in her vulnerable state, and that a real man wouldn't do that. I told him that he wasn't doing his wife any favors by placing blame on my husband. It was both of their faults, and no one took advantage of anyone. We ended the texting on good terms, or so I thought.

Only a handful of people around us know what really happened- and definitely NOT my mother. So I am pissed that he contacted her, and whoever else. I'm not sure if he knew she was my mom or not. So that has me worried that he randomly just went through our friends lists messaging people.

Do I have any recourse? Should I text him and tell him to knock it off? I'm so pissed about the whole situation.

lieshurt posted 7/10/2013 07:57 AM

Are you absolutely sure it was the other BS and not the OW trying to cause trouble?

getting_stronger posted 7/10/2013 08:22 AM

Definitely positive it was the BS. We haven't heard a word from OW for over a month now. It seemed as if the BS really was pissed that my dh supposedly took advantage of his wife. It was pathetic, really. He was defending his wife, saying it was his fault for never showing her how much he loved her. And then it was my WH fault for taking advantage of her. None of it was her fault, at all.

callmecrazy posted 7/10/2013 08:30 AM

His WW is a master manipulator to have gotten him to really believe he is 100% the bad guy in thier marriage.

I get being mad at your H, but contacting YOUR family members and making trouble for you!?! Yeesh.

curiouswiz posted 7/10/2013 08:33 AM

How about giving him this address? It may help you both...

solus sto posted 7/10/2013 08:50 AM

Many times, you'll see the advice, here, to do just what the OBS did: blow the affair wide open and tell everyone.

While I completely understand your response, that your mother (and others, likely) learned of his affair is a natural consequence of choosing to have an affair. Why did you do all the mopping up and lockdown?? Why are you defensive in your husband's stead? Trust me, your husband is WHOLLY responsible for the affair. As is his OW.

If it was the OBS, and not OW on his account stirring up trouble, try to remember that it's not his fault he's currently becrazed. You say he was "always nice before," but really, this wasn't a not-nice action. It was protecting his marriage in a way, that in the moment at least, seemed reasonable. I do not mean to minimize your discomfort, but your husband chose it for you.

If you think you can preserve your own anonymity and feel safe, agree with the advice to point the OBS in the direction of SI?

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:58 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

confused615 posted 7/10/2013 08:59 AM

What was your WH's reaction to all of this? Did he speak with your mother?

I understand why the BH did what he did. He is reeling. Your husband had an affair with his wife,so he wants to hurt your husband in some way..Im sorry he has chosen to contact your mother though. It does make things harder for you...but his intent was to hurt your WH. Understandably so...when a man fucks another man's wife..there's bound to be ugly consequences.

getting_stronger posted 7/10/2013 11:58 AM

Solus Sto- I did it because my husband was asleep when I discovered it. Thankfully, my mom didn't see it either. I had access to her account and something nagged at me last night and told me to check. Thankfully, it went into her others folder and not her main inbox, so she never saw it. I was able to delete it right away. I did the lockdown because my husband is ignorant when it comes to Facebook/Internet security. He wouldn't know how to do it. And I wanted it done right, and right away.

I did send the BS a text a little while ago that told him we left them alone for the past month so we all could move forward and heal from their infidelity, and I hoped they would extend us the same courtesy. And that there was nothing to gain from bringing in outside people into the mess that our spouses created. Hopefully he will listen.

gonnabe2016 posted 7/10/2013 12:23 PM

Actions.....meet consequences.

And that there was nothing to gain from bringing in outside people into the mess that our spouses created

^^^That is your opinion.
OBS may not agree. Obviously, he doesn't.
You cannot control how a person acts, feels, or reacts to anything.
And it's kind of unfair of you to expect the man to do it *your* way. *You* want to keep this on the down-low and your message to him almost seems as if you're trying to 'guilt' him into doing the same.

If he starts harassing you personally, bombing your phone, email, messages; or showing up at your house repeatedly; or stalking you, etc.....THEN *you* can 'do' something about him.

But other than that, you're just gonna have to sit back and let him do what he feels that he needs to do.

You wanna be *mad* at someone about this? Be mad at your WH.

getting_stronger posted 7/10/2013 13:06 PM

Trust me, I am mad at my husband. Absolutely this is all his fault. He knows this.

But I don't think there is anything to be gained by telling outside people. If they were still in the fog and carrying on the affair? Absolutely. But when there has been absolutely no contact and the affair ended over a month ago? We told people in our lives that we wanted to know- all of our close friends know, as well as most of our church because he wanted prayer and accountability. Heck, my mom even knows somewhat- she doesn't have all of the details, and I wanted it left that way. If the BS wanted to contact my MIL, then that's fine, because that is my WH's mom. But leave MY mom out of it. I did nothing wrong here, and neither did my mom.

I'm not trying to guilt him or keep this on the downlow. But to contact us out of the blue after a month of nothing is pointless. It accomplishes nothing. He wasn't this reactive when I warned him of the EA. He told me they were just friends and his wife's only problem was over sharing. But now, he thinks his poor precious wife was taken advantage of, and he's pissed for her. That's why he contacted me yesterday as well as my mom.

broken81 posted 7/10/2013 13:07 PM

If you are feeling that OBS contacting your mom was a personal attack on you and not your WH..I get that.
I had a problem with the OBS trying to use me to hurt my WH. I felt that my WH had anything and everything coming to him for what he did to both BS but I DID NOT DESERVE to be the one hurt.
I had an aguement with OBS and ultimatly had to block him. I told him that he needed to take it up with my WH like a man and not take his anger out on me.
But if your just upset that anyone knows about the situation that is too bad because the OBS has the right to tell anyone he wants. Your WS made that choice for you when he decided to ruin his reputation all on his own. It just sucks that we have to be so close to the fall out.
I'm sure his wife made him believe her poor me story but it sounds like he is hitting the anger stage, so he is trying to serve up revenge any way he can.
I agree it should have been your MIL not your mom but he was probably thinking your MIL would cause him more trouble/embarrassment than his own mom.

[This message edited by broken81 at 1:10 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 7/10/2013 13:49 PM

has been absolutely no contact and the affair ended over a month ago

Let's be honest, a month is not a long time in regards to an A actually being over. I've seen people "break up" for 3 or 4 months and then hit it hot and heavy right after that. So 1 month is nothing.

While you may not see how it's helpful, would you agree that each person's healing from an A is different? Would you agree that what works for you doesn't work for others? Would you agree that a BS isn't thinking rationally during the discovery days of an A? Would you agree that many BS's want to, or at least fantasize about, causing the OP some drama to make sure that they "didn't get away" with anything?

While it sucks that the OBS told the mom, it's something that should be expected as fallout from an A. The WS doesn't think about any of this stuff, they don't think about their kids finding out, or their parents finding out, or their in-laws finding out, they just think about what they feel like at the moment and everyone else be damned. Well, that's not how life works, sorry to burst the WS bubble, but there ARE consequences, there ARE enraged and hurt people all over the place after the A bomb goes off. I would say, anytime the OP doesn't end up dead, then they got off lucky. There are so many crazy people in the world, they are seriously lucky that they didn't screw a homicidal maniacs WS.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/10/2013 14:14 PM

Personally, I feel it was fucked up for the OBS to try to tell your mother about the affair. Yes, he had to know that would hurt you and your mother needlessly. BS's don't get a freaking free pass to inconsiderate, insensitive behaviour just because they are in a pit of pain and agony. They don't get to lash out and hurt anyone in their path.

But if your just upset that anyone knows about the situation that is too bad because the OBS has the right to tell anyone he wants.
Oh, really? I feel that is fucked up, too. The OBS gets to tell your 10 year old child that his mommy is a slut? Or that daddy is a whore hound? Fuck that shit!

I feel that if we expect our WS's to learn to be empathetic and sensitive and to think of others above themselves than the BS better damn well be following the same rule book. imo

SisterMilkshake posted 7/10/2013 14:18 PM

The WS doesn't think about any of this stuff, they don't think about their kids finding out, or their parents finding out, or their in-laws finding out, they just think about what they feel like at the moment and everyone else be damned.
Exactly my point, doesitgetbetter. The OBS was wrong.

ifinallyfoundme posted 7/10/2013 14:32 PM

Many times, you'll see the advice, here, to do just what the OBS did: blow the affair wide open and tell everyone.
While I completely understand your response, that your mother (and others, likely) learned of his affair is a natural consequence of choosing to have an affair. Why did you do all the mopping up and lockdown?? Why are you defensive in your husband's stead? Trust me, your husband is WHOLLY responsible for the affair. As is his OW.

If it was the OBS, and not OW on his account stirring up trouble, try to remember that it's not his fault he's currently becrazed. You say he was "always nice before," but really, this wasn't a not-nice action. It was protecting his marriage in a way, that in the moment at least, seemed reasonable. I do not mean to minimize your discomfort, but your husband chose it for you.

If you think you can preserve your own anonymity and feel safe, agree with the advice to point the OBS in the direction of SI?

I agree and we all know of circumstances ended in death. These behaviors have consequences, you can't control how a person will respond. The BS of my MOW was mentally retarded. He was what some may refer to as slow, but very childlike in his outlook. His wife and my WH were despicable. In this case I didn't tell the BS but I would tell BS parents.

broken81 posted 7/10/2013 21:28 PM

Obviously it would be wrong for anyone to tell a 10 year old someone was a slut.

I was merely pointing out that when an A happens between two married people there are two BS, two families affected. Each can decide how open or private they want to be with it and we have no control over what is said or not said from the other party.
Everyone has their own story to tell (or not) and it sucks that now we share a story with them and the choices of privacy may not be the same one.

RockyMtn posted 7/10/2013 22:24 PM

This is a tough situation. Every BS deserves to heal and protect in the best way they know how. Obviously, OBS and getting_stronger have divergent opinions of that. Which is cool, they have different families. But when they clash this way, there isn't a good answer.

I just think the OBS could've handled this better. There are plenty of people he could have "blown this up" to - his family, OW family, their friends. Blowing up the A is a salve to wounds for some, for others it is meant to protect. Fine. You can get that salve and that protection without going to the family of the person who is hurting just as much as you are. OBS could have also discussed with getting_stronger his plans to go public - to give her time to tell the story to her family, friends, etc. My god, her poor mother if she had seen that and getting_stronger hadn't been able to tell her about the heartbreak. Basically, OBS wanted to fuck with getting_stronger's WH - and didn't give flying fuck if he hurt getting_stronger or her family in the process. Hmmmm...sounds familiar. Who else doesn't care about collateral damage? Waywards.

Do I expect all BS to be rational? Not necessarily. But I do expect respect for the other BS. Period.

I do not mean to minimize your discomfort, but your husband chose it for you
.

I agree that her WH is ultimately responsible for bringing this shitstorm into their life. But other responsible adults who add to the shitstorm? They are responsible, too. Even if you agree with what the other OBS did, or think its forgiveable, it was still his action. He owns it, for better or for worse. That's just being an adult. Sure, focus on your own self and your own WS. But to completely ignore anyone else conscious, adult behavior? Meh, I disagree.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 10:27 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

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