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Why does this still bother me?

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FightingBack posted 7/10/2013 08:43 AM

Reconciliation Road is long and bumpy but we are travelling it.

And there are things that I am still hung up on that cause me (or I allow them) to ride the brakes.

I never did get the timeline I requested (I'm patiently waiting)

WH never did send a letter of apology to OBS (I have accepted that this is not a good idea as at this point it will not help OBS)

WH has only had two IC sessions and will probably discontinue (therapist wasn't a good fit for him and funds are low)

We have difficulty finding alone time before the end of the day, so our talks are limited (we both find this frustrating and both wish we had more time together) but he still rarely volunteers discussion of his A.

A NC letter was never sent as it seemed like a moot point at the time. NC was demanded by me and they (WH and MOW) agreed that "it was over "

But what seems to really bug me is that I know that the OW hangs on to the belief that their LTA was one of a deep love for each other which ended because I found out and that WH stayed with me out of duty to his family. It burns me to think that she has warm fuzzy thoughts and memories about their affair while I live with the pain of those memories.

WH doesn't describe the A with any fondness at all. He would really rather forget it. He even says that thinking about it sickens him.

Why is it so important for me to want her to know that he feels this way?

Why do I want her to know that he thinks that it is the biggest mistake he has ever made and will regret it forever. Why is it not important enough that he tells me that he loves me, never stopped, even during the affair years, and never felt that he loved her (despite telling her so)?

Why do I want her to know these things he tells me?

I know that it is foolish, and childish. mIt should be enough that he is telling me, but I always wonder what he would say to me if she was here with us in the same room.

I almost want to ask him to write to her and tell her all these things so that she will not carry on believing that they were star-crossed lovers whose circumstances meant that they could not be together.

I want to stop feeling like option #2.

unfound posted 7/10/2013 09:09 AM

I almost want to ask him to write to her and tell her all these things so that she will not carry on believing that they were star-crossed lovers whose circumstances meant that they could not be together.

I asked mr unfound to do this. he did. after I read it, the "need" I thought I had to have her read the words was gone. she didn't get the privilege of sharing in any emotion he or I had, good (towards me/us) or bad (towards her). just the fact that he was willing to do it, and it be authentic and consistent with what he was telling me, not knowing if I would send it to her or not was enough at the time.

I understand the feeling of wanting to feel like you're not 2nd choice. I do.

solus sto posted 7/10/2013 09:15 AM

How do you know what OW thinks?

(You don't.)

But suppose she does think of your husband and herself as star-crossed soulmates.

So what? You can't change anyone's thoughts, feelings, or actions but your own.

I would venture to guess that this is sticking in your craw, though, because your husband is not making the actions required for R a priority.

He's the one whose thoughts and actions matter. Not OW.

shatteredheart7 posted 7/10/2013 09:20 AM

I totally get this! I also had H write her a letter like this. It helped me and I never sent it. I don't care anymore what she thinks. If she thinks he felt that way then let her go on the rest of her life thinking it. She will spend her life comparing every new guy to him and they will not measure up. Leaving her to spend the rest of her life alone and miserable!


FightingBack posted 7/10/2013 09:24 AM

I know what she told me. We had two conversations. My H had claimed that their A had been just sexual, using each other for purely selfish reasons. No intimate talk, non-emotional. When she told me that it was indeed emotional, and that they shared "I love yous" repeatedly and regularly, WH did not deny it.

I know that on many levels talking to her was a mistake and I will not do it again.

But the impression I have of how she feels and what she believes, is one that she gave me. And I don't think she deserves to live with that "fantasy".

unfound posted 7/10/2013 09:39 AM

but that's exactly what it is, a fantasy.

mr unfound made a nc call. ow continued contact, saying she knew he only did it cause I made him. he sent a nc letter. she continued contact because she, again, just knew that I made him and that what they had was true lurrrv. she continued contact for months and months... we ignored. and ignored and ignored, until finally over a year later, she stopped.

does she still believe the fantasy? maybe. it's none of my business. do I know the reality? does mr unfound know the reality? THAT is what matters.

did I hate knowing that somewhere someone was convinced that mr unfound loved them, cared for them and was not with them only because their wife was "making" him? yup. it ate at my craw. but 7+ years later, I figure if she does still have the "fantasy" now, it's just pathetic and not. my. problem. just like what mr unfound feels, thinks, or has perception of others is not hers.

can't control what other people think or perceive. I know it seems like giving her that "wake up" information might...but why give her insight into your lives and your feelings? THAT is what she doesn't deserve, whether she is still in that fantasy mode of thinking or not. say she is remorseful now...still, none of her business what goes on in your relationship.

hell, my neighbors might/probably think I'm one nut away from the big house. but it's not my job to convince anyone of my character, feelings or perception of who and what I am or feel. bad comparison I know.. sorry .

eta, because apparently, I'm kinda wordy this am ...

if you did let her know these things and burst her bubble... then what? would you ever be convinced that she didn't still hold onto those fantasy feelings?

[This message edited by unfound at 9:49 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

FightingBack posted 7/10/2013 10:09 AM

Unfound, I know deep down, that you are 100% right. Especially the part about not allowing her insight to our feelings/lives. I won't give her that ever again, because I know that that is what she thrives on, believing that she has great insight and can "read people". (her words). I will never again give her that satisfaction.

Perhaps it is me constantly trying to figure her out, as well as my WH.

I spend so much time and energy trying to figure it all out, to put myself in their shoes. After all, this relationship took place for the last 15 years of our 25 year marriage. More than half of it. I struggle every day.

Maybe what I want is for WH to be my "champion" somehow and proclaim his love for me where she can hear it. I know, I know she doesn't matter anymore. But she has become such a huge part of my life. I didn't want her in it but I can't get rid of her.

Thank you though for "getting it"!

unfound posted 7/10/2013 10:25 AM

of course you feel that way, who wouldn't?? it sucks.

you'll get there . it didn't come easy for me to get there either, but it did come in time...but not all at once .

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