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Newest Member: broken52507 (45707)

User Topic: Mid life crisis and ongoing wayward-ness
velveteer
♂ 30997
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am amazed, or maybe its embarrassed (if it wasn't so serious), at the extent of my WXW's MLC-related behaviour.

- the too young for her (and too small for her) clothes
- the partying and drunkeness (facebook pics of her off her face dancing on tables in her forties!)
- her dead end job that she cannot move on from cos its, y'know, easy and kinda cool
- hanging out with folk younger than her

.....and on it goes. But now the serious:

Some of you may recall an incident five months ago when my son (9 years) called me cos his mother was incapably drunk. I went round and took him and DD (six) away. Read her the riot act while she tried to blame her antihistamines (not the all day drinking...oh no).

Fast forward 5 months and she is on holiday abroad with our kids, OM and his kids - four kids under 10. Last night of their holiday and I get the call AGAIN from DS. Same deal - she's incapable again. Incidentally he's also badly sunburnt and there have been various other incidents suggesting if not outright negligence at least a lack of proper care and attention.

DS is upset by this. Again. WXW is blaming the tablets. AGAIN. OM apparently tried to deal with it, but obviously not well enough if DS needs me, even though I'm literally hundreds and hundreds of miles away in another country.

Angry doesn't nearly cover it. Thing is, what are the consequences? I know I don't have enough (yet?) to prove she is an unfit mother (you need a LOT to do that over here), and in any case I don't want to take the kids away from her - it would devastate them.

But she is looking more and more like a car crash. I can and will tell her what I think here, but feel that there is really little else I can do to give her some consequences for this bullshit. VERY frustrating. Like dealing with a sullen and wayward teenager.

TOTALLY SICK OF HER!!!



Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to take the kids away from her - it would devastate them.

It saddens me that their memories include having to deal with an incapably drunk mother. I'm sorry, but I would focus on their physical safety as well. It's a lot easier on them to take them now at this age, than for them to have them continue living with this stress and uncertainty and eventually end up with them anyway. Your WXW is a sinking ship and she's taking your kids down with her.

Is it possible to call the police, children's services, etc....the next time she does this? Let them show up and document what they find and then you can use that against her?


Sometimes the strongest people hide the deepest pain.

Posts: 13832 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((velveteer)) This is one of my greatest fears. I simply cannot imagine the agony.

Just 6 and 9? My god.

I would do everything in my power to limit unsupervised access. As traumatic as that will be for your kids it is far more traumatic for them to witness this shit.

Unbelievable.

My only concern about calling the cops is your son gets into trouble from his mum for 'dobbing' her in - and he stops calling you when he is scared.

We have a clause in our agreement that states we each have to observe the RTA (Australia's DMV) limits for drugs and alcohol when the girls are in our care. I had originally requested random hair/nail sample testing as he has been taking cocaine but he refused and I didn't have a chance of forcing him. So I agreed to the RTA limits instead.

Of course there is no real recourse should he breach that.

The thought of him being strung out or unconscious with my little girls in his care keeps me up late at night.

I don't know what advice to give. I'd talk to your L, CSP, your kids IC, school counsellors etc.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5652 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do some reading on what happens to children of alcoholic parents; you might change your mind about taking them away from her or at least limiting their time with her.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20432 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, wasn't it you whose XW kidnapped them during the divorce? I thought you got full custody and she was only allowed to see them when you chose and permitted!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13858 | Registered: Jul 2011
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At a bare minimum you should document each of these occasions. Keep track of the date and time you were called, what your son said, what your wife said, the condition of the room where you picked them up, the condition of the children when you picked them up.

Just having all this stuff in writing with a date and time can add credibility if you decide to bring it in front of a judge.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Document carefully. And talk to your lawyer.

This is not safe OR acceptable.

If the kids are to remain in her care, unsupervised, some sort of intervention must occur.

As the adult child of alcoholics, I can't overemphasize the damage it does to children. This is not the time to be Mr. Benefit-of-the-Doubt Good Guy. Your kids need protection.

Millions of hugs to you. This totally sucks.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9007 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
toby
♂ 10337
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, wasn't it you whose XW kidnapped them during the divorce? I thought you got full custody and she was only allowed to see them when you chose and permitted!
I think that was Surviving101... Haven't seen him post in awhile.

Vel, listen to the fine folks here in d/s...they won't steer you wrong!


Posts: 1558 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ooh right... sorry V, wrong person! My memory for names is bad... for screen names even worse.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13858 | Registered: Jul 2011
dmari
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Argh! This pisses me off! My first thought is your children's physical safety. What if something were to happen to your son and your WXW was to drunk to do anything? This is really scary. I am glad that your sons safety plan is to call you. At the very least, document and let their therapists know. The therapist can also work on a safety plan ~ never get into the car with someone who has been drinking; what to do if you feel unsafe; etc.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Oct 2012
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not a mid-life crisis or ongoing waywardness. This is alcoholism. Your kids need to be protected, even if it is from their own mother.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12169 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
wonderpets
♂ 35901
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call child protective services. Best bet I think.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Jun 2012
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever you decide to do... keep being the safe parent to your kids.

Although my XH is not an alcoholic, there were many times my kids were left unsupervised or ignored... and they called me. I could do very little but give them my support and love via the phone link. It helped them, but I felt powerless being so distant.

Turns out, years later, those phone calls are something my kids remember as me being confident they could handle what was happening. I wasn't.. but what choice did I have.

Your DS will also remember you being there for him... even though you feel powerless to help... you actually are helping him.

It sucks to go thru it...

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
velveteer
♂ 30997
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks everyone. Its such bullshit and I have been trying to calm my anger down so I can think clearly about this.

I don't think she is an alcoholic but here is a problem here and I feel I need to get to the bottom of it. So - detective mode for now and meanwhile the kids are with me which is good. I will indeed continue to be their safe place.

I need to speak to her but need time to calm down and get my head straight on it. Meanwhile, will seek some advice too.

Unbelievable though. Just unbelievable.

V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm Sorry. X-NPD has a drinking/subtance abuse problem. He is what as known as a binger. He appears high functioning, except for when he does things like almost killing himself in a near fatal car accident and loosing his left arm.

The docs came to me and said, " how bad of an alcoholic is he?" I was dumbfounded, and that was the beginning of my long road to getting healthy in my head.

In my world no one in their 40's repeatedly gets drunk in public or around kids except people with alcohol problems.

My therapist helped my kids (9 and 11 at the time) with a safety plan. And she talked with them about it not being their fault for telling someone about the drunkeness. It took me awhile but I would call the cops.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:41 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2770 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 15

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