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Mid life crisis and ongoing wayward-ness

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velveteer posted 7/10/2013 09:23 AM

I am amazed, or maybe its embarrassed (if it wasn't so serious), at the extent of my WXW's MLC-related behaviour.

- the too young for her (and too small for her) clothes
- the partying and drunkeness (facebook pics of her off her face dancing on tables in her forties!)
- her dead end job that she cannot move on from cos its, y'know, easy and kinda cool
- hanging out with folk younger than her

.....and on it goes. But now the serious:

Some of you may recall an incident five months ago when my son (9 years) called me cos his mother was incapably drunk. I went round and took him and DD (six) away. Read her the riot act while she tried to blame her antihistamines (not the all day drinking...oh no).

Fast forward 5 months and she is on holiday abroad with our kids, OM and his kids - four kids under 10. Last night of their holiday and I get the call AGAIN from DS. Same deal - she's incapable again. Incidentally he's also badly sunburnt and there have been various other incidents suggesting if not outright negligence at least a lack of proper care and attention.

DS is upset by this. Again. WXW is blaming the tablets. AGAIN. OM apparently tried to deal with it, but obviously not well enough if DS needs me, even though I'm literally hundreds and hundreds of miles away in another country.

Angry doesn't nearly cover it. Thing is, what are the consequences? I know I don't have enough (yet?) to prove she is an unfit mother (you need a LOT to do that over here), and in any case I don't want to take the kids away from her - it would devastate them.

But she is looking more and more like a car crash. I can and will tell her what I think here, but feel that there is really little else I can do to give her some consequences for this bullshit. VERY frustrating. Like dealing with a sullen and wayward teenager.


lieshurt posted 7/10/2013 10:24 AM

I don't want to take the kids away from her - it would devastate them.

It saddens me that their memories include having to deal with an incapably drunk mother. I'm sorry, but I would focus on their physical safety as well. It's a lot easier on them to take them now at this age, than for them to have them continue living with this stress and uncertainty and eventually end up with them anyway. Your WXW is a sinking ship and she's taking your kids down with her.

Is it possible to call the police, children's services, etc....the next time she does this? Let them show up and document what they find and then you can use that against her?

SBB posted 7/10/2013 11:37 AM

((velveteer)) This is one of my greatest fears. I simply cannot imagine the agony.

Just 6 and 9? My god.

I would do everything in my power to limit unsupervised access. As traumatic as that will be for your kids it is far more traumatic for them to witness this shit.


My only concern about calling the cops is your son gets into trouble from his mum for 'dobbing' her in - and he stops calling you when he is scared.

We have a clause in our agreement that states we each have to observe the RTA (Australia's DMV) limits for drugs and alcohol when the girls are in our care. I had originally requested random hair/nail sample testing as he has been taking cocaine but he refused and I didn't have a chance of forcing him. So I agreed to the RTA limits instead.

Of course there is no real recourse should he breach that.

The thought of him being strung out or unconscious with my little girls in his care keeps me up late at night.

I don't know what advice to give. I'd talk to your L, CSP, your kids IC, school counsellors etc.

Sad in AZ posted 7/10/2013 11:41 AM

Do some reading on what happens to children of alcoholic parents; you might change your mind about taking them away from her or at least limiting their time with her.

Amazonia posted 7/10/2013 11:50 AM

Wait, wasn't it you whose XW kidnapped them during the divorce? I thought you got full custody and she was only allowed to see them when you chose and permitted!

Pass posted 7/10/2013 12:04 PM

At a bare minimum you should document each of these occasions. Keep track of the date and time you were called, what your son said, what your wife said, the condition of the room where you picked them up, the condition of the children when you picked them up.

Just having all this stuff in writing with a date and time can add credibility if you decide to bring it in front of a judge.

solus sto posted 7/10/2013 12:26 PM

Document carefully. And talk to your lawyer.

This is not safe OR acceptable.

If the kids are to remain in her care, unsupervised, some sort of intervention must occur.

As the adult child of alcoholics, I can't overemphasize the damage it does to children. This is not the time to be Mr. Benefit-of-the-Doubt Good Guy. Your kids need protection.

Millions of hugs to you. This totally sucks.

toby posted 7/10/2013 12:59 PM

Wait, wasn't it you whose XW kidnapped them during the divorce? I thought you got full custody and she was only allowed to see them when you chose and permitted!
I think that was Surviving101... Haven't seen him post in awhile.

Vel, listen to the fine folks here in d/s...they won't steer you wrong!

Amazonia posted 7/10/2013 13:55 PM

ooh right... sorry V, wrong person! My memory for names is bad... for screen names even worse.

dmari posted 7/10/2013 14:22 PM

Argh! This pisses me off! My first thought is your children's physical safety. What if something were to happen to your son and your WXW was to drunk to do anything? This is really scary. I am glad that your sons safety plan is to call you. At the very least, document and let their therapists know. The therapist can also work on a safety plan ~ never get into the car with someone who has been drinking; what to do if you feel unsafe; etc.

inconnu posted 7/10/2013 16:29 PM

This is not a mid-life crisis or ongoing waywardness. This is alcoholism. Your kids need to be protected, even if it is from their own mother.

wonderpets posted 7/11/2013 05:08 AM

Call child protective services. Best bet I think.

Kajem posted 7/11/2013 13:00 PM

Whatever you decide to do... keep being the safe parent to your kids.

Although my XH is not an alcoholic, there were many times my kids were left unsupervised or ignored... and they called me. I could do very little but give them my support and love via the phone link. It helped them, but I felt powerless being so distant.

Turns out, years later, those phone calls are something my kids remember as me being confident they could handle what was happening. I wasn't.. but what choice did I have.

Your DS will also remember you being there for him... even though you feel powerless to help... you actually are helping him.

It sucks to go thru it...



velveteer posted 7/11/2013 17:27 PM

thanks everyone. Its such bullshit and I have been trying to calm my anger down so I can think clearly about this.

I don't think she is an alcoholic but here is a problem here and I feel I need to get to the bottom of it. So - detective mode for now and meanwhile the kids are with me which is good. I will indeed continue to be their safe place.

I need to speak to her but need time to calm down and get my head straight on it. Meanwhile, will seek some advice too.

Unbelievable though. Just unbelievable.


Chrysalis123 posted 7/11/2013 20:40 PM

I'm Sorry. X-NPD has a drinking/subtance abuse problem. He is what as known as a binger. He appears high functioning, except for when he does things like almost killing himself in a near fatal car accident and loosing his left arm.

The docs came to me and said, " how bad of an alcoholic is he?" I was dumbfounded, and that was the beginning of my long road to getting healthy in my head.

In my world no one in their 40's repeatedly gets drunk in public or around kids except people with alcohol problems.

My therapist helped my kids (9 and 11 at the time) with a safety plan. And she talked with them about it not being their fault for telling someone about the drunkeness. It took me awhile but I would call the cops.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:41 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

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