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can't take the crazy would rather have the dissapoinment

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whatamidoing posted 7/10/2013 10:15 AM

I really can't take this hope and then dissapointment cycle or the crazy explanations for the unexplainable any more
April 6th the roller coaster started again after almost two months of him being in persuit of the OW. He wanted to be with me my family and working with me was most important
I drew a line in the sand that I actually stuck with (first time ever!) that without proof of no OW that we would not be working together next year. Even though it is not best for finances or for work I had to do it and it is not what I wanted by nothing that has happened for two years has been what I want so this is par!
he goes through a spectrum of I love you and will spend the rest of my life making things right and fighting for my family to I just want the fights to stop with in hours and I am sick of it
how can he say he gets it and look remorseful and cry about how sorry he is and 24 hours later say he just needs space and is not persuing anyone he just wants to not fight?
I am trying to find a way to be happy and be a good mom and a good me while being so angry and bitter and dissapointed in my life and my STBXWH!
so how to you just be dissapointed and move on with a life you don't want when the hope starts to creep back
I can honestly say after trying to be ok with my circumstances for years I am still not and don't think I ever will be! my life has been torn apart and I am making the best it just isn't that good
not sure if you watch the bold and beautiful but I think I am Hope and I know how pathetic she seems and "Liam" is a wishy washy indecisive moron that's my husband
I wish I have a speech and the papers like Katie did to bill
and oh the crap Bill said to push Katie sounds like the crap my h says and I just want my life back and know it is never coming
I don't know what I am asking
I don't know what my problem is
I sat with him and read SI in the fall or winter as he said I get it and I am sorry then in the winter or spring he emailed me on behalf of the OW saying that he is glad SI helps me but he didn't want to be sent any more articles or hear about it anymore. now every week he says I am going to read it right now which never happens
I know it's over and I should just stop listening to his regret moments and pay attention to I became an asshole while you weren't looking actions
I know
why is it so hard after all this

hardtimesinlife posted 7/10/2013 13:30 PM

It's so hard because he keeps lighting the hope fire and wanting you to just jump on board with two feet and not ask for anything in return. When he realizes that you have boundaries he then backpedals because that would be too much like work for him. He's not willing to do the work - only willing to give lip service. Sorry you are struggling. 180

tushnurse posted 7/10/2013 15:05 PM

It is so hard because he keeps throwing you a lifeline that is just out of reach in a sea of shit.

His behavior is beyond cruel. It's messed up. He wants the best of both worlds. Time for him to find out you deserve more. You will no longer be an option, or second place. You will learn to be strong, and independent, and demnad the respect you so deserve.

You can know in your heart, and mind that you gave him ample opportunity to right this wrong, and he chose not to. Stand tall. Be Proud. YOU are amazing.

(((and strength))))

whatamidoing posted 7/10/2013 15:38 PM

thank you yes
I am 180 Ing starting again now
and I am just moving on
it is so hard cause moving on doesnt get me the family work or personal dynamics I want .
since February I have been through
1. I don't love you enough so I am going to persue the Ow
2. having the OW showing up like she belonged at my work several times
3 she threatened to call the police and get a restraining order cause I knocked on WH appartment door and she was there
4 she laughed at me
5 she took work emails and used them to bad mouth me to my clients
6 it was DD anniversary
7 it was first sons birthday not doing family birthday
8 he took OW to my sons ball game now I feel like a freak going
7 he promised the people at work he was done with OW and would prove it to save our work situation and then didn't
8 he told me he wants to keep OW on face book no matter how it makes me feel
9 he slept with her many times since he told me they broke up
10 he let her stay at his appartment
11 he invited her to a family wedding but didn't go after all
12 he messed up out summer weeks with the kids and told me it would all work out
13 he promised me the world almost every day from may till yesterday and didn't do anything
14 when I asked for why he walked away and didn't call me back cause I was yelling
I have so many signs every day that he is not a good man and somehow I can't figure out how to be happy without him
how messed up is that
ha ha
I obviously have some issues with rejection
I don't like it at all and I am reacting like a baby over a year later
thanks I know you are right

sisoon posted 7/10/2013 17:33 PM

Are you in IC? The reason I ask is that you seem to beat yourself up a lot for having feelings and doing things that aren't close to being outrageous in your sitch.

I think you'll be a lot more effective and feel better if you could see yourself, at the gut level, the way your real friends see you - loving, lovable, and capable. A good IC can lead you to seeing yourself as positively as you should....

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