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Newest Member: Maggie1000 (45722)

User Topic: Longterm Relapsers
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, i have noticed alot of long time relapses of WS's and I was wondering...are there years that are harder for a WS then others as far as relapses go?

I am over 5 years out now and I am more affirmed in my "never return to WSdom ever again" but then i read the "6 years out and now this"...another that was 5 years out i think.

I have never really thought if there was like a '7 year itch' type thing or not...is there?

I don't want there to be at all, but it would be nice to know if there are years to look out for so i can double or triple up my work to counter act stuff like that.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, i have noticed alot of long time relapses of WS's
Really? (Serious question)

I haven't noticed that here. I have noticed a lot of TT situations, though.

***Posted as a member***


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38661 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would imagine that "relapses" have much more to do with the personal susceptibility of a WS rather than time passing and circumstances.

Becoming a person of integrity, making good choices, developing good boundaries... these are all the things to "counteract stuff like that."

What it always seems to boil down to here is that there's no good excuse for why this happens, just lessons to be learned and hard work to avoid making the same bad choices ever again.

IMO


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18283 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And my better, less dense answer would be...I agree with Jrazz. I don't think there is a specific time that is more of a danger, it's what a person does with the time after d-day and whether or not they've developed better tools and continue to implement them.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38661 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ 13333
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read about a lot of relapses, but I have read' and experienced with my H, a relapse of sort to some wayward behaviors that the WS didn't readily recognize. My H was sending what I considered flirty emails to a coworker. He didn't see them that way, but after discussing he realized he must always be cognizant of his boundaries.

I believe there was a post here recently (AN?)with the same kind of boundary check after a convo on FB with someone she didn't know.

So I am not sure there are relapses, per se, but rather realizations that behavior changes are a lifelong work.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6632 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, i have noticed alot of long time relapses of WS's

Actually, there were quite a few for a while. I remember seeing the posts in JFO.

In my opinion, those were WS's who didn't truly do the work they should have. I think they did what they needed to in order to placate the BS. Basically, they faked it and it eventually caught up with them.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13833 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Lucky2, that was me with the FB boundary check .

In my opinion, those were WS's who didn't truly do the work they should have. I think they did what they needed to in order to placate the BS. Basically, they faked it and it eventually caught up with them.
Agree.

I do think that a WS and a BS, once reconciled, both need to be more present and mindful in the M for a healthy R. An A is so destructive that sometimes it sets up a dynamic for the BS to start thinking thoughts of RA.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38661 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, there were quite a few for a while. I remember seeing the posts in JFO.

So not so much the WS's here...but the WS's out there.

I had my own set back a couple weeks ago regarding a vendor invoice, but most everyone here and MH was like...whatever, that's nothing

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198809 | Registered: May 2002
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking that....maybe the WSs who aren't on SI. I didn't remember a huge trend of SI WSs relapsing.

DS, I think what you're talking about is far from a relapse, lol.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38661 | Registered: Sep 2007
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WXH relapsed years after the initial A.

He was an unremorseful asshole for the 2 years in between.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So not so much the WS's here...but the WS's out there.

I'm honestly not sure if the WS's had been on SI. However, the BS's had been. They were older members, some from before I joined and some had joined not long after.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13833 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotcha. I hate when that happens


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198809 | Registered: May 2002
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate when that happens

I do too DS.

DS, I think what you're talking about is far from a relapse, lol.

I absolutely agree.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13833 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lieshurt)))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:47 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198809 | Registered: May 2002
noescape
♂ 34888
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it has a LOT to do with authenticity and communicating transparently. In my sitch, from what I have been able to piece together through the TT, my W 'relapsed' 3-4 years after her initial As. Those years weren't spent in introspection or fixing the M or healing herself , those were dry adulterer years. Being guarded is just one piece of a much larger puzzle. Similarly, when I went down the slippery slope the second time (I had cheated on my XW 6 years prior to my betrayal of current W), I had the feeling of "I won't go there again", but hadn't done any work on myself. It always comes down to the whys and how one goes about fixing them and being mindful of justifications.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So not so much the WS's here...but the WS's out there.

Yes, more this then that that....BS SI members coming back after their WS cheated again.

So I suppose its not so much a relapse, its more like they were 'faking it until they made it' and just couldnt make it cause they were faking it....gotcha.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion, those were WS's who didn't truly do the work they should have. I think they did what they needed to in order to placate the BS. Basically, they faked it and it eventually caught up with them.

this ^^

As a WS that did 'relapse' (and I don't like the term because 14 years ago I didn't stop with my wayward ways) I just was just a 'dry drunk' for a little while.

I can say that without the hard work and introspection, digging, and fixing the core issues that lead to the A or As, the chances of it happening again are very high.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Mrs Panda
♀ 27303
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long-term relapser here. I think it took me 7 years to forget how I promised myself and God "never again." And it was years before the planets aligned and there was a willing AP who I got to be "good friends" with.

What's different? Well, first go around there was no introspection, rugsweeping, white-knuckling, shame buried, and no real change in behavior. Just a promise. Which went out the door with the first guy that took an interest in me.

It's ridiculous to me how different this is now.

Also, consequences. Never had that before.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
aesir
♂ 17210
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think for the most part what you originally posted is not something you should have to worry about.

Do WS's relapse at four or five years out, when things settle down and they are feeling comfortable and not monitored constantly? Sure, I bet it happens a lot.

Do FWS's relapse? I don't think so.

Probably helpful to compare actual healing to UO's thread about Dry Adultery.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, as others have said: for the folks who have done and *continue to* do the work, never letting down their guards... relapse probably won't happen. Like you, I read some really sad stories recently in JFO and Reconciliation of relapses... dry adultery during the years in between... and it sounds like they didn't do the work, or else started to but didn't continue to. "The Work" is a lifelong thing, a change that must be carefully maintained, boundaries that must never be taken for granted. The work doesn't have a stop date, a date where it's OK to stop. It's an ongoing part of you, like with any other life path that people take that leads to growth. It's never static.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3920 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 27
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