After a lot of lying and denial, my WH gave me the password to his secret "love" account with OW. This was six weeks after he told me that had an old friend he was "supporting because she was going through a hard time." Later I found out the "hard time" was that they were in an EA and she was struggling with wanting to take it further but didn't want to hurt her husband. (TOO LATE FOR THAT!)
It took me another month to read the emails. He had erased months worth but with a year and a half of emails there was a lot there. I saw by husbands justifications, his lack of love and respect for me, his selfishness, and his shallowness while reading them.
When I got the password to the account, I immediately changed it so he couldn't go in and delete the emails. He is very concerned about looking good and I didn't trust him. When I accidentally found out he was looking at porn 15 years ago, the first thing he wanted to do was erase the pages and pages of cookies off the computer. (I found out about the porn when I was cookie chair for the Girl Scouts and was looking for the previous years data.) Now he wants me to erase the "love" account. He has brought it up several times. He said his IC gave him the assignment of asking me to erase it. I don't want to erase it. He is already claiming that he didn't say that he wanted to leave me, that he wanted a divorce, that he didn't ever love me the way a person loves someone they are marrying, it shows how he lied to me, snuck behind my back, his sexual betrayals. He has a tendency to rewrite history and I want those emails so I don't feel like I am going crazy figuring out what is real or not.
I read everyone of them and felt beaten to a pulp. I told him that I had to find all the stuff out by reading because he wasn't honest enough to tell me. I also printed out and organized them for his IC. It took days of my life to do this. I did it in hopes that when he saw what he wrote, he would open his eyes to himself. It doesn't appear that is going to happen. He told me yesterday that he asked the counselor why he had the affair. The counselor told him that it was because he needed validation. I can see that that is what he was seeking, yet why does he need it so much that he will lie and cheat to get it. He threw away a year and a half of our time as parents to get our son out of drugs, to help our daughter heal from a brain injury and for our other daughter to spend her last days in a happy home before heading off to college. He wasn't there for me when I was grieving the loss of my brother and nephews death by drunk driver, or when my sister was dyeing and after she died. While trying to make it through overwhelming pain I also felt like he wanted me out of the house, that he rejected me, that I was alone in everything. I made up excuses for him, trying to be understanding of why he behaved the way he did, yet he was really just checked out, having an affair.
He claims that he wants me to erase it because its not good for me to read the emails. I think he is lying. I think he wants me to erase emails because then he can pretend that what happened didn't happen. I want to restore this marriage, mainly because I have invested 30 years of my life into it and feel too old to start from ground zero. I also want our kids to have a home to come back to though at this point they are young adults and hate the atmosphere of our home because of the emotional disconnect and distress.
Would you erase the emails?