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LearningToFly posted 7/10/2013 12:10 PM

After a lot of lying and denial, my WH gave me the password to his secret "love" account with OW. This was six weeks after he told me that had an old friend he was "supporting because she was going through a hard time." Later I found out the "hard time" was that they were in an EA and she was struggling with wanting to take it further but didn't want to hurt her husband. (TOO LATE FOR THAT!)

It took me another month to read the emails. He had erased months worth but with a year and a half of emails there was a lot there. I saw by husbands justifications, his lack of love and respect for me, his selfishness, and his shallowness while reading them.

When I got the password to the account, I immediately changed it so he couldn't go in and delete the emails. He is very concerned about looking good and I didn't trust him. When I accidentally found out he was looking at porn 15 years ago, the first thing he wanted to do was erase the pages and pages of cookies off the computer. (I found out about the porn when I was cookie chair for the Girl Scouts and was looking for the previous years data.) Now he wants me to erase the "love" account. He has brought it up several times. He said his IC gave him the assignment of asking me to erase it. I don't want to erase it. He is already claiming that he didn't say that he wanted to leave me, that he wanted a divorce, that he didn't ever love me the way a person loves someone they are marrying, it shows how he lied to me, snuck behind my back, his sexual betrayals. He has a tendency to rewrite history and I want those emails so I don't feel like I am going crazy figuring out what is real or not.

I read everyone of them and felt beaten to a pulp. I told him that I had to find all the stuff out by reading because he wasn't honest enough to tell me. I also printed out and organized them for his IC. It took days of my life to do this. I did it in hopes that when he saw what he wrote, he would open his eyes to himself. It doesn't appear that is going to happen. He told me yesterday that he asked the counselor why he had the affair. The counselor told him that it was because he needed validation. I can see that that is what he was seeking, yet why does he need it so much that he will lie and cheat to get it. He threw away a year and a half of our time as parents to get our son out of drugs, to help our daughter heal from a brain injury and for our other daughter to spend her last days in a happy home before heading off to college. He wasn't there for me when I was grieving the loss of my brother and nephews death by drunk driver, or when my sister was dyeing and after she died. While trying to make it through overwhelming pain I also felt like he wanted me out of the house, that he rejected me, that I was alone in everything. I made up excuses for him, trying to be understanding of why he behaved the way he did, yet he was really just checked out, having an affair.

He claims that he wants me to erase it because its not good for me to read the emails. I think he is lying. I think he wants me to erase emails because then he can pretend that what happened didn't happen. I want to restore this marriage, mainly because I have invested 30 years of my life into it and feel too old to start from ground zero. I also want our kids to have a home to come back to though at this point they are young adults and hate the atmosphere of our home because of the emotional disconnect and distress.

Would you erase the emails?

lieshurt posted 7/10/2013 12:13 PM

Would you erase the emails?

Hell no I wouldn't. I'd be sure and make a copy of all of them and store them in a safe deposit box too.

soverybetrayed posted 7/10/2013 12:40 PM

I am divorced almost a year and I still have the emails and pictures stored on a flash drive and electronically.

You keep them as long as you need to and if that means you keep them till your last breath then so be it. This is your decision and not his, do not let him convince you to erase them. It sounds like you need them to know that the crap he is slinging is all lies. Do what is best for you.

LivingALie posted 7/10/2013 12:47 PM

Keep them until YOU want to get rid of them - not when HE wants them gone. He's so used to always thinking about what HE wants - its time for that to change.

I get exactly what you're saying. Shortly after DD my H very lovingly said to me one day "From here on in, I don't want you to think about any of this"

REALLY? Now you get to tell me what I can think about? It took that sentence for me to see just how self-centered he really was - I have emails that I've kept and when he starts re-writing history - I ask him if he needs me to bring them out for a reminder. That shuts him up.

Your H (like mine) thinks out of sight - out of mind, thats why he wants them gone.

Keep them.

wanttogoforward posted 7/10/2013 13:09 PM

I would keep the emails until I felt it was time for them to go... he gets no say in that!

However, if they trigger you or send you into a tailspin, or if you are obsessed with reading them and bringing the pain continuously back. then maybe you should put them into an area that is more difficult for you to access easily.... but don't get rid of them until you feel ready! There is another thread on here about that right now... check it out.

tushnurse posted 7/10/2013 13:16 PM

You keep them. You keep copies of them. You keep them as long as you want, or feel the need to. Tell him that you get to make that decision.
You also need to get tough with him. He is not owning his crap. You have been through a tremendous amount in the past few years. I'm sure that it was difficult to do it with him not really being there to support you.

Remember He did this, all on his own. You are not to blame for it in any way. He needs to know and accept that. Read in the healing library, up to the left.
Keep posting, keep asking questions. Know that we are all here to support you and each other.

((((and strength))))

Tesa posted 7/10/2013 13:24 PM

No, you don't have to erase them. When you are ready & if you want to, delete them at your leisure.

However, I think something sounds off about your WS's statements about IC. I'm not an expert but an IC doesn't give you answers. An IC should help you answer those questions for yourself. Also, IC would never tell you to delete WS's email. He's not your IC! He has no idea why you need/want to keep that.

[This message edited by Tesa at 1:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

1Faith posted 7/10/2013 17:44 PM

Nope. Don't do it until ( if ever ) you are ready.

Yes, they hurt but they also validate your feelings of hurt and betrayal and sometimes we need that in order to reassure ourselves we aren't crazy for being the emotional basket case we can become.

If he didn't want the emails to exist he shouldn't have written them in the first place. Consequences - they suck.

Stay strong

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