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Butterfly1487 posted 7/10/2013 12:14 PM

Im 34 & my husband 41.. Found out my husband of 9 1/2 yrs had cheated on me twice. All thanks to Facebook. Husband left his open 1 day & I saw messages between him and ex talking about how it's been few yrs since seeing each other. Course I went bonkers but he said he saw her at a police conference & nothing happened. I knew in my heart he was lying so few days later I lied and said I messaged girl and she told me everything. At that time he admitted he had a 1 night stand with her while I was pregnant... Heartbroken I walked away.. Few days later he told me he slept with a girl he knew after a night of drinking in his truck while I was home with our baby. Gross!!! I can't even look at his truck now makes me want to puke!! I messaged girl and she was very nice and said it was a 1 time atupid mistake & she would delete him from FB. Even more heart broken felt my life was shattered. Then he told mw he kissed a girl on dance floor 3 yrs ago on his guys only wekend away. & at a couples party i couldnt go to all wives were putting flavored lip gloss on & kissing all men (really they all 40's and acting in there 20's), he didnt come home til 2:30am, than another time he let a girl at another party fake tatoo his ass cheek! I was there and dragged him out after i saw that.Ugh...I left my oldest daughter's father 14 yrs ago cause he was a dirt bag & met my husband who seemed like a angel sent from above. We have 2 kids now 8 & 7. Will be married 10 yrs oct 4.. Been 3 weeks. Yes these first 2 women were 7 yrs ago but just finding out feels like it was yesterday :( he keeps saying he sorry and wants to work things out. He gave me all his passwords to fb, email ect.. But my heart still aches and I can't stop thinking about these other women. He taking me away this weekend & I'm excited but at same time sad cause I feel part of us died & I really don't think I can trust him. Seems it all happens when he drinking. He doesn't drink often cause he works 80hrs week and he a great father. My kids would be so upset if we were to divorce. I keep bringing up topics about other girls and he hates talking about it, said it was long time ago and he will never do it again.. We went to his work cause they have a company that deals with stressful jobs for "personal issues" & guy been great with us. Guess its 1 day at a time

lieshurt posted 7/10/2013 12:54 PM

Welcome Butterfly1487!

Your husband definitely has a problem with alcohol if he does all of this when he's drinking. The simple answer is to stop drinking, but there is more behind it than that. Rarely do people do things while drinking that they didn't really want to do. Drinking just lowers the inhibitions a bit.

He doesn't get to decide what you talk about. This didn't happen a long time ago to you. He's had plenty of time to sweep things under the rug. You need just as much or more time to heal and that's only if he does the hard work necessary help you heal.

I would recommend counseling for him, you and then together. In the meantime, he doesn't need to be going out and he definitely doesn't need to be drinking.

Hugs hun, we're here for you!

[This message edited by lieshurt at 12:54 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Butterfly1487 posted 7/10/2013 13:28 PM

Thanks lieshurt

I'm meeting with a therapist next week to help with this. He going to see someone too. I mentioned to my husband how all these things happen when drinking & he Responded by how past years since he drinks still and has been faithful.. That he was immature back then... But even now when we go out I see him change when booze kicks in. He comes very friendly, happy and flirty. Others notice it too. He works a lot like I mentioned and as cop I know his job not easy but that's no excuse to act way hr does but at same time I don't want to be that wife telling him what to do or what he can or can't drink. Apparently now with all this news being said he knows I'm weary... And he been ass kissing past 3 weeks but I know it will fade and I know a time will come soon he will want to go out with all the guys ad that time will be a hard one for me.. I want to try to work it out but at moment not sure I can forget and move on.... I hope so cause I do love him as silly as it sounds. But the trust issue out window and I can't even look at my wedding ring.. All a lie to me. Those vows out window. My friends say I deserve better and a man who will love me and only me... But not that easy to pack up and leave when we build a family, house ect... Do things get better, does that awful pit in my heart and stomach go away? Hate this whole thing. I feel like I want to talk about it everyday, all to him.seeing his stupid truck here gets me everytime. I wonder details and how nasty and desperate they both must of been to run from bar to his truck in a parking lot. Makes me sick...

lieshurt posted 7/10/2013 13:37 PM

I don't want to be that wife telling him what to do or what he can or can't drink.

There is nothing wrong with telling him what your boundaries are. And the thing is, a truly remorseful person wouldn't have to be told not to drink. They'd take that initiative on their own because they knew it was the right thing to do.

he Responded by how past years since he drinks still and has been faithful

This doesn't matter. He has shown you that the chances are high that he will do something inappropriate when he is drinking. For you to have peace of mind and to feel secure, he can't drink or do the inappropriate things he did.

Butterfly1487 posted 7/10/2013 16:00 PM

It what makes things harder is I was just starting process to be a surrogate for a close friend who can't have kids :( now hearing this how my husband cheated on me first time pregnant really scares me he would do it again. ESP if I gain weight and this baby isn't even his... Thankfully my friend totally understands and told me to work on me and they can always find another surrogate... But they cost so much that's why I was helping them out... So not only is my family affected but theirs too. I can't even think about getting pregnant right.. Can't even think straight at moment

Duffy1958 posted 7/10/2013 23:15 PM

Surrogacy would kick in hormones you don't need right now. And yes, their dumbass decision to cheat affects countless people. You & your children are the most important & you recognize that. Good girl! This is hard. It is hell & war. Strategize. Gather yourself a physical support & take good care of yourself.

Grrrrr I have a thing about cops who cheat so I will leave it. I do want you to know I support you. I am #TeamButterfly ! Prayers for you.

Butterfly1487 posted 7/11/2013 07:38 AM

Friends/family always told me "cops r known to cheat" and I laughed saying not mine.... That I could read him well enough, HA!

Who the fool now :/ Me

And all these yrs I knew deep down something was wrong but I had no proof. I would ask and he would always say I'm crazy and read into things to much. When friends would cheat he would say they stupid and crazy and all along he had these secrets!!
I google girls on fb all time. I need to stop I know. They so different looking than me. Very plain jane, bla looking to me, 1 super gross thin other very heavy.. I'm size 8-10 5'4 blonde hair and I love make up :) not a ton but always have lil on. I take care of myself even though could shed about 15lbs lol
He always calls me the prettiest wife of all cops and loves taking me to all public events but yet goes and does this??? I don't get it! Almost wish they were prettier cause I would understand more I think.. I asked him if it's something I was doing wrong and he said no. He said it was all him. He said he was just lost with being newly married with me being pregnant than having a newborn. Guess we had a fight 1 of the nights which I do remember but that doesn't mean go bang others!! When we have fights last thing I think about is finding a guy to sleep with!!
And he gets so jealous when I go out asking me 100 questions

I just don't know how people trust again... I get pit in my stomach when he leaves for his 16. Hr shifts now or I call and he doesn't answer :(

We going away alone tomorrow for weekend, do I bring all this up or just try to enjoy the alone time? He already said he wants to stay married and swears he will never do it again ( typical cheater talk)

Funny I always said to Everyone " if my hubby ever cheats I'm out of there so fast ". But now it hsppened and im still here

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