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I can only control me, but..

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ButterflyGirl posted 7/10/2013 12:29 PM

Went to the doctor again this morning for a med change. I've been feeling extra stressed, losing too much weight, my hair has been falling out, not sleeping good at all.. The anxiety and depression and stress and sadness of it all is overwhelming sometimes..

I guess I'm annoyed since I can only control me, but he keeps affecting my life and the children. I know I've complained quite a few times here, but to reiterate, he forces them to keep secrets from me, he lets them curse at his house, he makes flashing their privates a game, he abuses them under the guise of "horseplay," he curses me out and involves the kids and tells them about the divorce and custody arguments ALL THE DAMN TIME. He is complaining to them that I take all his money, but the bastard is actually thousands behind on child support and didn't even pay me this month.

I think I've been pretty good at ignoring him when it comes to verbally abusing me. I'm tired of being called every name in the book, but I've gotten pretty good at the eyeroll. But when it comes to involving the kids, the mama bear in me comes out, and I can't just let it go.. I've already called DCF on him and his MOW, but they didn't see enough for abuse or neglect, just "inappropriateness."

I guess I'm frustrated because I can only control me, but I'm tired of constantly having to worry about my reactions to the way he is treating me. No one should have to go through this much crap! He gets to do all this fucked up shit, and I have to worry about how I react to his fucked up shit?? Why can't someone just stop him from doing fucked up shit?!?!?

Nature_Girl posted 7/10/2013 12:36 PM

#1 - Do you have the kids in counseling?

#2 - Have you read/are you reading "Divorce Poison"?

I don't believe you should sit back & let him get away with this without some challenges directly from you.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/10/2013 12:54 PM

Yes, the kids and I are in counseling. And I'm about half way through Divorce Poison. Very good book, helping me with my reactions tremendously..

There's also the financial ruin coming that's stressing me out. He stayed at the marital home, but it's in foreclosure now since he never made a mortgage payment or tried to work with them. And all the utilities were in my name and never got switched since he would promise to give the house back (then not give it back), and he pays those late EVERY month.. I never thought I would have to file bankruptcy, but I don't see a way out if he never helps like he is supposed to..

I have challenged him with regards to kids and finances, but he just does not care at all what I think. I really feel like it has to come from someone else, anyone but me.. But even the DCF investigation didn't help shock him to straighten up.. And even his mom admitted he doesn't respect her or anyone else..

I just don't know how to get my brain to accept that this is who he is.. And I don't want to accept it. I want to fight. He needs to change or I want kids the hell away from him..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 1:03 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 7/10/2013 13:07 PM

We have also put a contempt motion for "disparagement" in our court documents. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing everything I should, but since it's all still happening, I feel I'm missing something, like there's more I should be doing.. I just don't know what. That's where I get pissed about the whole situation. It feels so unfair what he's putting the kids and I through..

Nature_Girl posted 7/10/2013 13:08 PM

Girl, I wish you lived here. I'd have you over so we could share strategies & plan for the bleak future.

For the financial ruin part, let me tell you, I'm going through this as I type and it happens fairly slowly. I don't know what's going to happen to me & the kids. The saving grace is that it happens slowly. That's why I tell myself, "We're okay now. We have a roof over our heads at this moment. We have something to eat in the house today." That's all I can guarantee, what's happening at this moment.

The utilities (except one) are in my name, and I'm late paying them again because of money shortfalls. The mortgage STBX was deliberately paying late for the past six months. I've taken over that payment and am making it on time, even though it means we eat mac 'n cheese or cereal for dinner. Again.

You can and should counter the lies your children are fed with truth coming from your mouth. I have learned it is possible to speak the truth to my children in an age-appropriate way that does not get me in legal trouble and does not further damage the children psychologically. I am mad as hell that I have to do this, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let STBX ruin the children and break my relationship with them. He didn't want them in the first place, he's only using them to further hurt me. This is a hill I'll die on.


Amazonia posted 7/10/2013 13:56 PM

If the utilities are in your name, you should be able to shut them off. Just sayin'.

dmari posted 7/10/2013 14:12 PM

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing everything I should, but since it's all still happening, I feel I'm missing something, like there's more I should be doing..

I totally get this. My advice is to listen to NG ~ both of you are going through a shit storm like no other. From what you have shared with us, you have done everything within your power to protect your children. I can't believe DCF didn't see neglect/abuse!! This enrages me! BUT at the very least, there is a paper trail.

Its good to hear that you went back to your doctor. You need to be as physically healthy as possible to deal with this shit.

He gets to do all this fucked up shit, and I have to worry about how I react to his fucked up shit?? Why can't someone just stop him from doing fucked up shit?!?!?
I totally get this too! I would also like someone, OTHER THAN ME, to make my stbx stop his shit. ButterflyGirl ~ you are one strong woman to deal with this bullshit. You are doing all that you can do! Hugs and support!! and more hugs and support!!

jackie89 posted 7/10/2013 22:43 PM

You are such a strong woman! I hate your STBXH for you, for what he is doing to you and your kids!

You are right, you can only control you, but let the mamna bear come out, when it has to!

It sucks right now, but you and all of us, have to continue to believe that things will get better!

You have helped so many people here with your wise advise, you are a great mom, and good woman, the UNIVERSE/God, or whatever will reward you, maybe not in material or financial things( would be nice though) maybe in just the love and respect your children will give you as adults?? Your POS will be seen for what he is!

I Just want to hug you and cry with you! tons of support!

[This message edited by jackie89 at 10:44 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

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