Recently I've finally allowed a potential suitor the opportunity to come into my life. As of now, we are friends, but he has made it very clear that he's interested. We live on opposite sides of the country, and he has taken the time to see me and spend time with me. No physical boundaries have been crossed, and I guess he sort of understands why I am so guarded with my emotions. He doesn't understand why, after almost a year, I'm still not completely over everything that has happened with my ex and why I am still so scarred with the previous circumstances. However, he has been patient and understanding; he has been a complete gentleman.
Now he wants me to go see him. I have put off on giving him an answer and confirming dates. I like the guy, but bottom line is, I'm scared. Terrified, actually.
I know that most any girl would swoon at meeting someone like this. He's good-looking, smart, funny, educated, career-oriented, and we have many common interests. Had I met him 5 years ago, I would have been done for. Now, I'm just guarded.
It makes me mad. It infuriates me that my ex has done this to me. Turned me into such a distrusting person, when even he claims one of my most endearing qualities was that I trusted everyone and gave everyone too many chances to prove his or her worth and integrity.
I now question why anyone would talk to me; question why anyone would be interested in me; question why I am worth being treated well. I question EVERYTHING! I doubt everything -- I suppose I doubt myself and my self-worth.
I know I am good to everyone around me. I know I'm smart and have a lot going for me. I know I'm attractive enough to snag someone, and I try to say that with as much humility as possible because I really am not stuck up at all. Or perhaps I am trying to tell myself that I am worth it and deserve to be treated with at least the most basic common decency and respect. Who knows...
I want to believe people are good. I want to believe people are not total shitbags. I want to trust again. Will this ever happen? Or am i just doomed to be a distrusting, pessimistic, bitter lady? I truly hope not, but...
Any advice? Thank you for your time.
bottom line is, I'm scared. Terrified, actually.
When you're no longer afraid, you'll be ready. Don't rush it.
ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
I question EVERYTHING! I doubt everything -- I suppose I doubt myself and my self-worth.
First you must trust *yourself*, and your judgment, and your ability to walk away from a bad thing and your ability to embrace a good thing (and a good man) ... Then you will trust others.
[This message edited by ladies_first at 2:33 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]
It just seems unfair to those who deserve to be trusted. People shouldn't have to be questioned or be suspected of having a hidden agenda, whether it be amongst friends or a SO.
When do these feelings of doubt and mistrust go away, if at all?
I was a hot mess for the first three years, and now it's been five years and I'm not interested in delving into anything or complicating my life.
I think what we've been through changes our DNA somehow. I know I'll probably be pretty wary for the rest of my life. There are just so many ways people can sneak around these days, I never want to be blindsided like that EVER again.
If New Guy thinks you should be 'over it' by now, he's obviously never walked in the infidelity shoes.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 5:30 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]
It just sucks because I'd hate to miss out on something that could potentially be great.
I suppose there are plenty of other fish in the sea (that I may never trust).
You are feeling pain because your are still hunting inside, but it is normal for the kind of trauma you went through.
Give yourself time to heal and regroup. With time, you will trust and love again too.
Until that happens, be patient and loving with yourself.
If you really like this guy, talk to him and express your pain and feelings. He will understand that you are a raw gem and you need time to became a diamond.
If he does not wait and be patient after you have explain your feelings then he does not deserve you and your wonderful qualities.
Look who you are and realize the wonderful attributes you have within you by your own words.
"I know I am good to everyone around me. I know I'm smart and have a lot going for me. I know I'm attractive enough to snag someone, and I try to say that with as much humility as possible because I really am not stuck up at all. Or perhaps I am trying to tell myself that I am worth it and deserve to be treated with at least the most basic common decency and respect."
Your Self worth and self esteem will need just a bit of work and you should be like new.
in the meantime: live the moment. The past is gone, and the future no one know about it. So,
the time is NOW.
My two cents
I really don't know where else I can get some answers, and SI has been my faithful companion for almost a year now. I apologize for sounding dense and asking stupid questions.
There is no pressure whatsoever, but he just doesn't understand. I guess he is one of those fortunate enough to never have experienced the infidelity ride.
As of right now, I think I am perfectly fine riding this bus that has been brought up in .
oops. Guess I forgot to finish the rest of my sentence.