"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

edgewater13 posted 7/10/2013 14:51 PM

Hello I am new here. I do not know all the abbreviated jargon used here. Please bare with me.

My story is I am a male 40, and was the wayward partner. I cheated off and on with the same person in a long term affair. My significant other had inappropriate behaviors but never caught cheating. When we first started out she had come out of a relationship and at one time seeing her ex, another person, and me. I was about to end the relationship but she decided to continue with me ending it with the others.

I had many trust issues and my previous relationship before her was a 10 year marriage that my wife cheated multiple times.

I had never behaved this way and there is absolutely no excuse for my behavior. We are not married and we have her 12 yr old stepson and our twin daughters (2yrs old).

I have ended the relationship with other person for good. I have tried to reconcile in the past 6 months since this all came out. I am remorseful and doing all that I can to work out things because we have a family. Initially she was very open and we started to work things out. Then the person I had an affair with showed up at our home left a note on my car in the driveway and she assumed I was still fooling around. I was able to prove I was not. Since then she has been angry. I have done all I can to answer questions, etc.

Currently I moved out but I agreed to pay the bills and utilities and whatever I can to help her out. Today for the first time I approach the subject about our future. I asked if there is a chance we can reconcile. She responded she dont think so but perhaps in the later future. Her exact words, "I do love you but you have to know what you have put me thru"

I fear it may be over. I wished it was not but I take full responsibility. I needed to address my insecurities and trust issues I had about her. I assumed for a long time she was not faithful because of her treatment to me. Still not her fault I cheated. THAT WAS ALL ON ME!!

I am reading books recommended here. She is the one who told me about this website initially about 6 months ago. She was coming on here. Yet now its a 180 and she has gone the other way. Should I just throw the cards in and chalk up this as a life learning experience. Trust me I have not slept and lost weight and truly remorseful. We both agree that we failed to communicate and assumed way too much. She has been inviting me to do things with her and the kids. I gladly go. I want to respect her space. But I want her to know I love her and want to make it right if at all possible. I am hopeful but doubtful.

Thanks in advance

[This message edited by edgewater13 at 2:51 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

hardlessons posted 7/10/2013 15:13 PM

Should I just throw the cards in and chalk up this as a life learning experience.

What have you learned?

Aubrie posted 7/10/2013 15:20 PM

I guess it depends on you edgewater.

What kind of work have you done on yourself? Helping your BS is great and all, but what have you done to make yourself a safe person?

edgewater13 posted 7/10/2013 15:42 PM

I have learned that taking another for granted is not OK and the importance in having trust and open communication. I learned thru counseling and therapy. Dishonesty and past behaviors must go and not be something I could easily consider. I need to carry the weight to help her get back to normal whatever a new normal means, I feel like she still loves me and I love her. I'm ashamed and went to her and my family and apologized for my behavior. When she asks why I did what I did I don't even know what to say but look dumb. I try not to hold her responsible or blame it was on me. I screwed up. I have learned that I had a choice and my behavior was deplorable. I learned that the grass isn't greener or ever worthiy. If it is bad depart but don't go that route.

Aubrie posted 7/10/2013 15:48 PM

When she asks why I did what I did I don't even know what to say but look dumb.

This right here is what you need to look at. Why you cheated. Do relationships have ups and downs? Sure. By why choose to cheat? That is the question that you need to answer. It's buried inside. Ask yourself questions. When you find an answer, ask "why" again. Peel back all the layers till you get to the root of it.

You knowing that cheating was your choice is good. Now figure out why you picked that choice.

edgewater13 posted 7/10/2013 15:57 PM

Thanks Aubrie that is great advice. Thank u thank u