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WF is a murderer...

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BeyondBreaking posted 7/10/2013 14:52 PM

I think WF is finally figuring out how deeply he hurt me, and how much our relationship and I have changed as a result.

He has always enjoyed "party" vacations (vegas, cabo, cancun, etc...). After what he has done, I don't trust him, nor do I want to be surrounded by a beach full of women flashing. We were discussing honeymoon options yesterday, and I kept vetoing all of his suggestions because they just aren't my scene. I like going places where everyone will be fully dressed, where it won't be a noisy, drunk, obnoxious time, and where I can actually learn something. I used to be more open minded to going to the places he likes to go. Not anymore, and probably not for a very long time if ever.

Neither of us really addressed why I'm uncomfortable with some trips... until the end of the conversation. He looked at me and got tears in his eyes and said, "it feels like the old beyondbreaking that I first met is dead and gone. I love you and the person you are now, but sometimes I miss the person you used to be. I'm sorry I murdered that person." I said, "I'm sorry. I miss the person I was before all of this too."

I love the way he put that. He murdered the old me. Kind of. Almost.

But the person I am now can be awesome too.

hardtimesinlife posted 7/10/2013 15:14 PM

Yes, different but awesome

TrustGone posted 7/10/2013 15:24 PM

I hope that you are not planning a wedding with this man anytime soon. You say you do not trust him, so why would you even consider marrying him at this point in time? I would recommend you hold off until you feel you can trust him again. Relationships are built on trust and when that's gone what do you have. I am sure you love him, but marriage is hard constant work. lease make sure he is up to the challange.

Yes they do change the person we were before the A. I am also OK with who I am now, but I miss who I was before and miss the man I thought he was. I also miss the marriage that we had before the A. It takes away all the specialness that was between us and makes me constantly question if he really loves me or if it is just another act he is playing again. (((HUGS)))

Butterfly24 posted 7/10/2013 15:29 PM

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I also understand. I'm not the person I was before either.

WH has told me many times he misses the person I used to be. Although in my case it has been years of him putting me down and saying hurtful things to me.

I told the MC at the last session that I used to be dingy, that's what people called me and that's one of the reasons WH liked me. I also told her that I used to have a sparkle in my eyes when I looked in the mirror, but now they are dull and dead. He did this to me so who cares really that HE misses the real me?

I only care that I miss the person I used to be. How can we ever become that person again?

BeyondBreaking posted 7/10/2013 15:59 PM

I should rephrase. I do trust that if we go somewhere, he isn't going to run off with someone else. I do trust that he isn't doing what he was.

Do I trust him when he says he isn't picturing the OW's while with me? No.

We're getting married August 10th. He cheated over a year ago (it was cyber infidelity, he never met anybody in person) and he has been honest ever since, with the exception of porn. He stopped watching porn about 4 months ago, and we're good.

Pringle posted 7/10/2013 16:08 PM

I think those words hit the nail on the head. The ws/wf murdered the old us. I also wish I could get the old me back.The fun carefree happy me. Not this ball of emotions and anger with no zest for anything but my bottle of wine. My fiance physically met and had a emotional and physical affair while we were planning our wedding. I found out a few months before and cancelled all the wedding plans. Count yourself lucky his was cybercheating. Glad you managed to work through it.

guarded posted 7/12/2013 05:33 AM

Missing old me and old him too.

Just have to add that moralless COW is the accomplice/accessory to murderer. Just can't let go of that too.

Mousse242 posted 7/12/2013 21:01 PM

If he's still the party boy and wants to honeymoon where women are naked, I would seriously still think long and hard before marrying this man.

Are you in couples/marriage counseling? Is he in intense IC?

wtf2 posted 7/12/2013 23:50 PM

Why can't you postpone the wedding until you are healed better. This time will come. You will get better. Planning your honeymoon but not going to a beach because there are a lot of women is just wrong. Wait. There will come a time when you feel age again to go to a beach with him band if the time never comes and you're unable to trust again, then it's good you didn't get married.

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