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A general reminder for all of our members

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SI Staff posted 7/10/2013 14:57 PM

The staff would like to remind members in all forums that everybody is not as far along in their journey as others who have been here and are eager to give advice and feedback. As much as we need to be truthful in our support, let's remember that coming at a newbie (or not so newbie) like gangbusters is not always effective and may scare some people off. Let's respect the journeys of others. Let's remember to be kind in our delivery. Sometimes it's enough to make your point once, without hammering it in repeatedly. Let's give people time to process. Please think back to when you first got here and were struggling and overwhelmed.

Also, although some posts might have a more interesting dynamic, let's remember to post to those who aren't getting a lot of responses, if we can, so nobody feels ignored.

Thank you.

Jrazz posted 7/10/2013 16:34 PM

A fitting 10,000th post for "SI Staff"

I've heard a couple members thank people for their kindness and compassion in the early days, as they might otherwise have been frightened off.

I need to remind myself sometimes that new members are looking at this whole mess through eyes and hearts that do not have the benefit of experience that we all have gained after months/years here.

Thanks for saying something.

Jen posted 7/10/2013 18:30 PM

isadora posted 7/10/2013 19:13 PM

mel88 posted 7/10/2013 21:23 PM

Let's respect the journeys of others.

Beautifully stated.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/10/2013 21:38 PM

To share with you all from the WH perspective...I got my ass kicked by the very first response to my very first post. DS even flagged it. But that post and the supportive follow up posts were helpful and what finally got through to me. The truth from others who had gone through it. The understanding and empathy from others who had gone through it. That's what made a difference. US, DS, AN, Clarrissa and others got through to me along with many others (thank you UKgirl).

We each have our own voice, our own truth and our own experience. Sharing that with others is what it's all about. Almost always, someone will get through. The person on the receiving end will figure it out for themselves eventually.

Thanks for the reminder.

MovingUpward posted 7/11/2013 09:42 AM

Excellent reminder

Schilling posted 7/11/2013 09:50 AM

Thank you for this. As someone who is new to the form, I was very put off by some of the responses and I've taken to lurking in hopes of finding someone who might understand and not give me the "RUN" speech, which is what happened upon my very first post here.

confused615 posted 7/11/2013 10:14 AM

I was put off by someone who posted on my very first thread here. They told me to leave him,that he would cause me more pain in the future...they were right.

But I do understand what you're saying,"SI Staff." I think sometimes we get frustrated because we can very clearly see things new members can't. That frustration comes from wanting to save them from more pain,pain we have had to endure,because we made the same mistakes we see them making.

But their pain is so raw.

Thanks for the reminder...I needed it.

JanaGreen posted 7/11/2013 10:24 AM

That's always a good reminder. Thanks.

metamorphisis posted 7/11/2013 10:50 AM

confused I was really put off by some of the bluntness too when I joined and almost left. Every single bit of it ended up being true and what I needed to hear. It's not so much the bluntness that is the issue but coming at someone too hard too fast with sarcasm or belittling (like.. "Great, let me know how that works for you " ) that will run someone off. It may be obvious to us but it's really not when you arrive here shellshocked.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:50 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

DixieD posted 7/11/2013 11:43 AM

I know I can be blunt, so I rarely, if ever, post in JFO. When I first got here, and a long time afterwards, I was easily frustrated, bitter, angry - you name it. I was at my worst, and I would charge through forums with an aggressive tone and pissed off attitude. What I've learned about myself was that when I did that, it wasn't about helping the OP. I wasn't able to be helpful or objective or supportive, at that point it was all about me.

As far as that belittling eyeroll emoticon - I hate that dude - and I'm not a newbie. Unless I use it towards myself and my own stupidity or to support someone in a vent. When I resort to sarcasm to get my point across (and I have), I know it's a sign I need to focus on my own shit more.

There are some members who respond that I really respect and I think I want to be like them when I grow up. SI has taught me more about myself than just about infidelity. I'm grateful for that. I'm still working on it.

selkiescot posted 7/11/2013 16:38 PM

asl always You guys ROOOOOOCK!

ElectricBlue posted 7/11/2013 20:19 PM

Thanks for the reminder. Like DixieDevastated, I have moments where I'm so angry I know that nothing I post will be productive for anyone so I quietly go away until I get myself back to a place where I think there is a chance I could actually be helpful to someone, then I log back in.

Thanks for the reminder. I've seen people post once then disappear....I always wonder if it's cuz they were scared off by us or just so scared they couldn't face it at all. We've all been there, too.

metamorphisis posted 7/12/2013 08:42 AM

DWBH posted 7/12/2013 08:50 AM

Awesome reminder, and I sincerely appreciate all the effort the staff here does to keep this site constructive and useful for members at all stages.

broken <3 posted 7/12/2013 09:35 AM

Thank for this post. I feel like my posts are ignored so much and I am getting to the point where I wonder why I bother :( but seeing this give me hope. Any suggestions for me? Is it my wording? I'm not sure and Im super sensitive :(

authenticnow posted 7/12/2013 11:59 AM


It sucks to feel ignored. I don't think it's your wording. Some topics just elicit more responses than others.

Please keep posting. If you feel like you are being ignored, bump your own thread! We've all done the shameless bump at one time or another .


Jrazz posted 7/12/2013 12:03 PM

Hey broken<3!

I'm sorry you feel like your posts go to the sidelines. I have several members who ping me if they need help with a post or just a bump or hug to get things going. Feel free to PM me any time you need a boost.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:03 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

Chandler posted 7/12/2013 23:38 PM

thank you for this...I have felt "ganged up" on in a thread. I have also gotten great advice and support but the sting is hard for all of us and we all have different circumstances while a little dose of reality may be needed lets remember to do it tactfully

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