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No way forward

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rbf1234 posted 7/10/2013 15:26 PM

What do you do when there is no viable way ahead.

Divorce? Not an option. Not only are there specific reasons why my children wouldn't make it, but they would choose my husband over me, regardless of what he has done. And I couldn't live with that.

Stay together? After 8 months, I am feeling more and more like I can't do it.

Background: 19 monogamous? years followed by 4 years of womanizing (virtual, emotional and physical). Multiple infidelities - one year long affair.

He saying and doing most of the right things but often seems rather relaxed - as if he is sure I won't leave and will eventually get over it.

I feel that I am done with my life. Not helped by the fact that this morning my child was diagnosed with a potentially serious - but treatable - illness and then I was rear ended while stopped at a traffic light.

brokenandconfuse posted 7/10/2013 15:50 PM

Are you in IC?

Jennifer99 posted 7/10/2013 15:51 PM

I felt just like this for almost a year. Eventually it ate at me so bad I was physically sick.

I talked to my doctor - the first person I unloaded on in a year.

I got help for my physical health, began IC and slowly but surely started learning how to take care of myself.

By the time I got healthy again things started to unknot. It never seemed to unknot totally until my son gave me a wonderful gift of noting my struggle which I thought I hid and telling me "no matter what happens with dad and you, I know you both love me and I'm lucky, I WILL be ok". Before that, I thought a D would kill him, his dad would do psycho stuff, and imagined all kinds of horrible messes.

I saw something somewhere that said no way past it but through it. I think my imaginings, thoughts, and "plans" made going THROUGH that much harder.

If I could go back and talk to myself a year ago I would tell that me to go slowly, impatience only increases the insanity, there is no hurry, let things unfold, feel and understand myself, be true and honest with myself and take good care of myself, no matter what I and my SON will be ok.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way rbf. But please find some small hope to hold onto. It will be ok, it just might take time.

I hope you can find some support, here, IC, ...somewhere.


Tripletrouble posted 7/10/2013 15:56 PM

Hugs RB. Sometimes life just piles it on. My name triple comes from the fact that within a 10 day period 3 devastating things happened to me, one of which was d day. Since then bad luck has followed me like a thundercloud, making me wonder what I did to deserve all this. Please know there are people who care about you and you are a person of value. I wish you peace and luck in finding your way forward.

hardtimesinlife posted 7/10/2013 17:04 PM

rbf, please come back and post.
We are all here for you and I promise that you will get through this so much easier with others who have been there.

It sounds like you are just so down that you don't know what to do. A few ideas come to mind but I don't know your story so they may not apply. First, you can start to prepare yourself financially for any eventuality. Action often will help pull us out of the dumps. Second, you can read up on the 180. That is a way to distance yourself from the madness while remaining in the marriage.

Big hugs to you and welcome to SI.

sisoon posted 7/10/2013 17:25 PM

I'd be a wreck if I thought there was no way to healing from this trauma.

IC could help. If IC isn't an option, I suggest digging deep inside to find the part of rbf that wants to survive and thrive and give your energy to that part of you.

Reading in the Healing Library could help - look especially at the 180 stuff. The link to the Library is

Just some random observations...

And I couldn't live with that.

First, you don't know what they would do. Even if they have signed written contracts to go with your H, you don't know what they would do if they have to choose. Period.

Even so, you're already living with that belief.

Divorce? Not an option.... (he acts as if) he is sure I won't leave and will eventually get over it.

Well, yeah, but if you strengthen the part of rbf that wants to survive and thrive, you'll find your way forward.

Hang in with yourself - you're worth it.

(((rbf1234))) [that's the SI way of offering you some hugs, if you want them]

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:26 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

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