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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: Your Daily 180...How did your 180 go today?
NewMom0220
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I would start a new thread for those of us who need help, support, encouragement, and cheerleading for a successful 180. I see posts all of time asking, "what is the 180?" "will it make my WS come back?" "will it make me more desirable to my WS?" "will it make my hair shinier and healthier?" (just kidding on that last one).

Let's assume that everyone who posts here already knows what the 180 is and how to work it. I know what is, have read it a million times, have tried to implement it at least 4 or 5 times, and have heard the "rules" of the 180 in my head at the immediate moment I was breaking one or more than one rule.

So...I guess I just wanted a living, breathing thread that I can come and check into and post about my 180 and read about others who are doing the same thing. I really love reading about users like Abbondad and seeing how far someone has come once they take the reigns back and get control over themselves and their lives.

So...here is my first post about 180. I'm back on the 180 horse. I'm going to Yoga tonight and the WS is bringing the baby home to me at 8 (I drop the baby off at MIL before work, WS brings the baby home).

Day 1 of getting back on the 180 begins now.

So TAG...you are it. How did you 180 today?


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2013
Abbondad
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really love reading about users like Abbondad and seeing how far someone has come once they take the reigns back and get control over themselves and their lives.

Well, I am flattered to be referenced. I guess I am becoming a bit of a legend around these parts (blush-.

My 180 was pretty good today. Just a necessary text regarding the kids' therapy appointment. No talk of the divorce, and certainly no chit chat about "us."

Just information, followed by "OKs" and "Thanks."

I give myself an "A."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1695 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jewlz
♀ 39431
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I like this because I am struggling. I want to constantly reach out even though we are separated and I am filing for D.

How I did today is I lived through another excruciating painful day at work, holding back tears at my desk and ended up texting him for the first time since Saturday night (when I messed up and sent a text that we all miss him, ugh!) about my DD going to the movies instead of visiting him tonight. No reply, as usual, but ok.

As for getting on with my life, I am planning a night out on Friday with some girls from work. If I make it, it will be a miracle but I'm going to try. As for acting happy and carefree, I have definitely not been able to do this. I cannot even hear his voice or see his face without my heart pounding or ending up crying for a week after so I'm avoiding seeing him (hard with 4 children).


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maintained 180 and NC today, going on a full two months. Still keeping an eye on his FB page, though, more than I would like.

For most of the day I kept busy and was feeling less sad and more "empty"...

Then I found out from a girlfriend that he was texting her and saying that our relationship had been "bad for a long time" before he had the A. He NEVER said anything.

So I'm not feeling so 180 Strong at the moment. I want to scream at him and ask him what the hell and tell him that it is so unnecessary for him to be saying ANYTHING to anyone beyond what a jerk he is for cheating on me. Why on earth is he doing that...!

But I have a report due tomorrow, so I'm trying to focus on that instead. Maybe call a different friend or my Mom!

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 4:05 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Ann124
♀ 29289
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to speak to STXWH and check in regarding our hearing this coming Tuesday. I did okay with that and kept it all very business like

Then the conversation led to our DS22 who stayed in the marital home with STXWH (back story DS22, has a lot of anger about me moving, he is OCD, ADD and has been off his meds for quite a while ... I didn't allow DS to drink at the house and had rules) ...

STXWH tells me he and DS are getting along great since there are no more restrictions or expectations of him ... I stopped him in his tracks and said, "I have to go, I will just talk to you on Tuesday!" click

In other words STBXWH was making it clear to me how wonderful DS is since I am not there to lay down the law ... STXWH is just letting him drink and be lazy which makes the world a special place for both of them ... It breaks my heart but there is nothing more I can do for DS and his issues and STXWH is letting all the progress he was making disappear so they can be content "roommates!

Okay enough of my vent ... But I surly applied the 180

[This message edited by Ann124 at 4:14 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might all enjoy a little light-hearted thread about code for NC comms.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=484659

NC works. It gives you time and space to detach. It untangles you from the crazy and it also means you don't give yourself further regret. I don't regret anything I've ever said to him - I regret saying it to him. Giving him any more of my emotion.

Stay strong everyone. NC is key to your healing.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wish I didn't have to communicate with POS about ANYTHING. But because of the kids, there will always be a connection. He has tried to be "chit-chatty" recently, using issues about the kids as the reason (e.g., DS just got back to the states this morning from deployment to Afghanistan). My response continues to be "yes," "thanks for the update," etc. All very civil and cordial with as few words as possible, but I really hate it and would prefer severing the communication line entirely. Unfortunately, that is just not going to happen so I have to deal with it. It is just that every time I get a text msg from him, it makes me start to think about "things" all over again, and I don't want him in my brain! That is prime real estate where I don't want him to trespass at all...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 6:29 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1313 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
whatdoto
♀ 28555
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've started a hard NC since Monday evening when WH told me HE didn't tell his parents we were divorcing, but let his brother tell them. Really? Typical of WH to let other people do the heavy work. Actually, he told his nephew, who told his mother (WH's sister), who told their brother (WH's brother), who then told their parents. Passive much?

I told WH I couldn't believe that just once he could have done the hard work of telling his parents. Just prior to this WH asked me what he should tell his dad. I said "the truth". Well, we can't do that now can we? That would be like.... talking. WH is extremely passive and a conflict avoider.

Last night, I got home, fixed me a drink, watched some TV, got a small bite to eat, took a shower, then went to DS room (DS15 is at camp this week) and watched a little more TV then turned out the light and went to sleep with my dogs.

WH was busy outside then came in expecting to see food. I didn't make him anything to eat. WH was sad.

I love the 180, it's so refreshing.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
NewMom0220
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I went to Yoga, stopped by a friends house who pumped me up and told me how good I looked for just having a baby, and we talked about the kind of guys I want to date when this whole thing is said and done.

I got home and took care of the dogs. Then came here on SI and was reading your posts when WS came home with the baby. It's so funny but I felt like he was interrupting me and I couldn't wait for him to leave so I could go back to my reading and relaxing. I was happy as a clam when I answered the door. He talked to me about the baby and I said, ok, thank you, bye.

That's it...then I went to bed and read some more posts on SI. Today is going to be a good day.


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, everyone is doing a really good job. I think it's important to remember that the 180 is for YOU and the point is that we have to get to a place where we don't care what the WS is doing, thinking, feeling, having for dinner, what song he or she is listening to, what bad choices he or she is making, or what stupid thoughts he or she thinks about us, our marriage, or this situation.

The 180 is about our new life and how fabulous it is going to be no matter who is sharing it with us.


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NewMom... You might be my hero :)


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PhantomLimb,

The feeling is mutual. Do you know how hard it is for me to keep my thoughts in my head? I don't know how you found the strength to go NC and stay NC after a decade long marriage. I feel like we were both blindsided by the out of the blue viciousness, blame shifting, justifications...etc.

You stood up and said NO! I stood up, sat down, said everything in my head, ripped him a new asshole, begged him to stay, kicked him out, made him dinners, went for walks, yelled some more, went to counseling, had sex with him, asked him to take me out like the old days (needed this being a new mom and all), told him I was leaving a million times, never left, and still sent text messages as of two days ago. The best thing I ever did was kick him out and never let him move back home. I think there is something bittersweet about sleeping in the bed alone all this time. In one way it makes me sad, on the other hand, I don't have a 180lb unremorseful jerk sleeping next to me every night. If I cry, I cry alone.

So lady, you are my hero! BTW, what kind of a loser lets girls like us go?

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:47 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2013
freshstart78
♀ 39556
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this thread!! I was on a role with the 180...feeling good. Then all of a sudden this week I feel sad, like I'm taking steps back emotionally. I hate this. I try to keep reminding myself that I deserve better and what a douche bag he really is......I will be so happy for the day when its no longer a constant struggle. It helps to hear about others successes and sometimes slip ups with this.


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

freshstart78,

One day at a time my friend...one day at a time. Some days I feel like a huge failure and some days I feel like I'm doing good.

What did you do for yourself this week when you were feeling down? Are you doing anything this weekend? Do you have plans with friends or family? What are you going to do for you?


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2013
whatdoto
♀ 28555
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

freshstart,

I had been doing exactly what you are doing. I would constantly rethink my decision everyday. But, I have to keep telling myself that I deserve better. It's one day at a time. I get thoughts of backing out, changing my mind, then have to tell myself, NO WAY! I'm strong and me and DS deserve better.

180...180....180
It's the only way to go until the judge signs.

Happy 180 everyone!


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
NewMom0220
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday was good. NC and there was no interaction with WS because we had no reason to communicate.

I realized yesterday that NC=No New Hurts is true, but that doesn't mean the same old hurts aren't still there and swirling through my head.

I also called and refilled my AD meds. I've been off of them for at least a month and I can tell there is a difference.

Anyway...this 180 is hard but it's for me. I am still on the roller coaster...but I don't have a WS watching me go up and down and up and down.

Hopefully it gets better and gets easier.

I still feel like if he started to show the slightest bit of kindness or interest that I'd be off the 180 and jump at the chance for any kind of Reconciliation.

I have my weekend planned and I hope all of this 180ing pays off in the long run and I can remain strong.


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2013
freshstart78
♀ 39556
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newmom.....u are so right....keeping busy is key when those moments of doubt, saddness, or even anger hit me. I have a great friend who is so supportive.....when I'm doubting or feeling week I text/call her....she talks me down..lol....this week when I knew STBXWH was coming by to get 15 yr old daughter I made sure I was gone....escaped to friends house.lol. I have been doing this for weeks. It helps tremendously not having to see him. Its his daily texts that I hate. I only contact him about kid stuff that he needs to know about. I do not reply to his texts that he sends trying to engage me...." so this is how its gonna be....just business? Why cant we be friends?" REALLY??!! Last time I checked friends don't treat one another like he has treated me. I have no interest in being his friend so he feels better about what he has done. I am all about being civil when we have to be around one another for kid functions. But I do not care how he is doing nor do I want him asking me how I am doing.....so now he flips it on me that I am being difficult because I don't return his chit chat texts. Then I get pissed at myself for doubting what I am doing. That's when I come on SI and read......and then I realize whet I am doing is the right thing for me. I thank you all for ur heartfelt posts because I draw strength from everyone here.


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
freshstart78
♀ 39556
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatdoto......yes 180 is the only way to heal. Until I started it I was a complete mess. I didn't think 180 would help....but there is no way to explain how once u decide to try it and keep trying even when u slip up, it really does make u feel better. When I'm feeling weak I try to remember the feelings of empowerment gave me when I successfully stuck to the 180. That helps.....along with keeping busy. When those moments come and the above things don't work, I try to let myself feel those feelings and then remind myself that the person I miss and loved is no longer there....just the shell of the good man he once was. I know he is so unhappy.....but I gave him a chance and the gift of recovery.....he chose for 2 yrs to not take that.....its not so much the affair anymore that bothers me( don't get me wrong......it still hurts like hell sometimes) its how he handled himself afterwards. That's what has shown me his true colors and how he is really not the person I thought he was. We deserve better!!!!!! I love u guys and draw strength everyday from the wisedom of everyone here!! Thank u so much for ur words of support!!!!


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
freshstart78
♀ 39556
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newmom.....I'm so glad u got back on ur AD. I did the same about 2 months ago and its what really helped me do better with 180. They helped me with my racing thoughts. My mind was all over the place. I would get overwhelmed so easily and my emotions would take over. the AD helped tremendously with that. And I'm so happy and proud of u for having a successful day yesterday with ur 180!!!!! U go girl!!!!!!!! Here's to another successful 180 day!!!


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
Abbondad
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh! Having a rough day maintaining my generally successful 180. Anxious, feeling abandoned, and fighting a terrible irrational urge to call my STBXWW with all the pathetic crap, all manifestations of reasoning with her and essentially begging her to come back.

Don't worry--I absolutely won't give in to the impulse and really have left these pointless behaviors behind--but would like some advice on how to work through these internal moments.

I hate this rapid cycling; only twenty four hours ago I felt good, then this comes on with seemingly no conscious trigger.

Sorry, I hadn't read some of the more recent posts to this thread. These are helpful.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 12:35 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1695 | Registered: Dec 2012
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