SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Hasslesmom posted 7/10/2013 15:45 PM

so i found out that my 38 year old husband of ten years had been having an affair witha 21 year old that works with him for about a month and a half.. have to say i was to say the least floored as we have been best friends as well as husband and wife..any way didnt react with violence and leave as i thought i would if ever faced with this. he said he was torn might have feelings for her was confused...i guess he expected me to leave too as he was surprised that i was willing to try and work this out. said he has made his decision to stay with me and try and rebuild our marriage. is it wrong of me to want to know EVERYTHING about his affair with this girl? is it wrong that getting details about the sex, conversations they had, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, that i can find out from him is like pulling teeth and makes me feel like he is protecting her? im so lost right now...we did go to counceling yesterday and made progress but then i found out that she was not 24 as i assumed, but 21. thats the same age as my little brother.. this is soooo extremely f...ed up. please help!!! so i have had a terrible day as i want to know all of it and not keep finding out things as i try and make progress....

Markone posted 7/10/2013 15:58 PM

Hasselsmom,

Soory you're here bu you have been heard.

It's the worst and your need to know the details is very common and understandable. Just one word of warning - once you know something, you can't "un-know" it. But, if all the details are what you need to heal, then he should provide them.

Explain to him that knowing the truth in its entirety will be less hurtful than have to discover it yourself or find out through his trickle truth (TT). My guess is that he's not protecting her but protecting himself from having to face the anger and disappointment from you.

It WILL get better

[This message edited by Markone at 4:00 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

solus sto posted 7/10/2013 17:18 PM

I'm so very sorry for your pain. No one should ever have to experience it. I'm sorry you are.

No, it's not wrong to want details. I did, too. I did not want my husband to have ANY secrets with OW. I did not want him protecting ANY aspect of their relationship, or protecting himself or her in any way.

The thing you have to keep in mind, though, is that you cannot control anyone else's thoughts, feelings or actions. So, what you want may not be delivered.

This means that---at some point (and you have time to do this---it's NOT something you have to settle on now, when you are in the most turmoil of all)--you will have to determine your bottom line: what information and actions MUST you have in order to commit to reconciliation?

Chances are, you will change your mind about this with a bit of time. In the meantime, be kind and gentle with yourself. You've suffered a huge trauma, and need TLC. And no one is better-equipped to provide that to you than yourself. In this immediate aftermath of discovery, be sure to stay hydrated. Eat well, if you can. If nausea/vomiting are a problem (as they are for many of us), think about investing in good-quality protein supplement shakes. Try to get regular exercise--it helps both with stress and with the sleeplessness that often accompanies discovery of infidelity. And don't hesitate to see your doctor if you feel that grief segues into depression, or anxiety becomes intrusive.

Millions of hugs to you.

canteat posted 7/10/2013 17:19 PM

i wanted to know everything too. check out this article from the healing library if you haven't already.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

it sums it up well-and maybe WS will get something out of reading it too.
so glad you found SI-i am new to this as well and have found a lot of comfort here.
*hugs*

[This message edited by canteat at 5:20 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

1Faith posted 7/10/2013 17:22 PM

Sorry you found your way to our club no one ever wanted to be a member of.

It is a safe place for you; one that will provide much love, caring and support.

Breathe. It's all so very new. Your mind and emotions are reeling and understandably so.

Your need to know is perfectly normal because your world has just been turned upside down. Nothing makes sense and your trust radar is non existent. Again, all very normal.

Your WH needs IC to figure out why he allowed himself to cheat.

That was his choice and he must own it 100%. There is simply no excuse to cheat regardless of any issues in the marriage.

Please see the Healing Library in the upper right hand corner and read, read, read.

Knowledge is power.

It's a long journey but you can and will make it.

We are all here for you.

Keep moving and know you are worth more than lies.

Good luck

Shockedman posted 7/10/2013 17:32 PM

Hi Hasselmom,

I am 6 weeks in. My wayward wife had a 7 month affair with a married man with 2 kids! WTF? We have been together 17 years and married 10.

So the question you pose is a good one. Your husbands affair was only a month and a half. Are you sure? As many people say, tickle truth is common. I would press on this first. My wife say 4 months. Then I figured it out myself and got the truth. It was 7. Don't be surprised if his affair was longer. Was he just having sex for 1.5 months and an emotional affair for longer? Hard to believe he has "feelings" if it was so short.

Here's my best advice. Get the major details. That seems to help. You want a full timeline. When they first met and where they met. How many times did they sleep together? Gifts? Did they say "I love you" to each other.

This kind of info is healthy and it gives you better insight into how "serious" it is/was. This gives you a chance to decide for yourself what action to take.

But I advise against explicit details. It will scar you and you will have mental images....Asking about blow jobs etc, might be OK, so you know the scope of the affair, but don't get to crazy. It hurts like hell. Trust me. Get enough so you feel you know the story. Bottom line is you likely will never know the WHOLE story and you probably don't want to.

Good Luck and stay well. Sorry you are part of our shitty club.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 5:34 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Lionne posted 7/10/2013 17:39 PM

Hi sweetie, I think Shocked has good advice. Major information now. You can get details later if you really need them.

I think it's important that he NOT continue to work with her. I don't know the situation, but I would NOT be able to live with that, and I don't think you should have to.

Hugs. Take care of yourself. Exercise, drink water, eat healthy, do some self care. YOU and your needs should be the #1 priority right now.

Hasslesmom posted 7/11/2013 12:27 PM

thank you all who have responded it means more than i can describe in words. it made my heart smile to know that total strangers are willing to help so many..

Hasslesmom posted 7/11/2013 12:31 PM

so having said that..i need more advice. the trickle truth thing is hurtful. but hell all of this is. so as we talked (my husband and i) i asked him the other day if he thinks about her still. he told our therapist that he did not. today he admitted that he does think about her and wonders what she is doing. is this normal? he said it bothers him that he still wonders about her. what do i take from this? i told him maybe we should consider seperating until he knows that he can give his whole heart to us. and not just half ass as we will never work out this way. what are your feelings on this as my new family??

1Faith posted 7/11/2013 13:02 PM

Hasslesmom

I think it was good that he was honest about still thinking about her but I do think he needs to make a commitment to you if he truly wants to R.

What are his thoughts of her? And what are they based on? Many A's are based on lies and fantasy.

If he breaks NC what do you intend to do? Make your expectations VERY clear.

Hopefully he is in IC to understand WHY he chose to cheat.

He needs to begin to see the OW as the other party that hurt you and your marriage. She is not a good person. He has to begin to see her part in the affair that caused such hurt and despair.

Be firm. Be strong. You deserve the best and being second fiddle to a fantasy isn't acceptable.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:03 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Hasslesmom posted 7/11/2013 13:37 PM

i will ask him more specifically what his thoughts are..he said he has caught himself wondering what she is doing. i have tried to put this in perspective that the thoughts of her are normal as the coming clean has been fairly recent. i also tried to have him see the relationship from an outsiders view as to what he would say or think if one of our close friends came to him with the same story. i said ok, she is 21 you are 39 what did you talk about that made you think you had soo much in common with her. his reply was they never really talked about anything important, that she was easy to talk to and funny. i said do you really honestly think that anything could of come out of a relationship with a 21 year old girl?? he said no, honestly i didnt. i said then why besides sex did you or do you think you have/had feelings for her.. he ssid i guess it was just lust...we are both in counseling we go back in two weeks what do u think my peeps>

1Faith posted 7/11/2013 14:21 PM

Stay the course and just let him know that it hurts you that he is thinking of her.

If he is truly remorseful and wants to R then he needs to be thinking of how to earn your trust, respect and love back. That isn't going to happen with him wondering about his 21 year old tart.

They had nothing in common. It was physical and it stroked his ego that a young thing was interested in him. It was fantasy based. No responsibility, just fun.

Well wouldn't we all like to visit such a place.

I think your husband is still in denial and he is licking his wounds and bruised ego when he should be focusing on you.

I would speak with your counselor but I would also start to 180 him.

Don't give him all your time and energy because he isn't giving you his.

Check out the 180 in the Healing Library.

Hang in there. You will make it.

(((hugs)))

Hasslesmom posted 7/11/2013 14:54 PM

1Faith you are awesome, i will check on that180 asap. how long have you been going through your personal hell...??

canteat posted 7/11/2013 18:25 PM

I know my WH thinks about OW sometimes. I think this is normal after all she was his "escape" from reality and not a lot of time has elapsed. This is an emotional and stressful time for him-just the time when he would want to escape into his fantasy world.

We are only a month out so we are still both processing a lot of things.

There is NC between WH and OW.

He tells me he feels bad for lying to her because she actually thought she had a chance with him. (I, of course, have no sympathy for her because she is a guilty party too. married man telling single woman how awful his M is and how OW is the true love of his life type bullshit-ever heard that story before?? and she was stupid and whoreish enough to participate and encourage it-so she can wallow and choke on it. dumbass stupid bitch. sorry, can't help myself. ok, I'm not sorry either-lol)

I don't like hearing from him how he feels bad for her-i want him to hate her-but thats my anger and pain talking. my brain understands that he has to think about her and process it in order to understand it.

So I think the important thing is HOW he is thinking of her. Longing for her, missing her, fantasizing about being with her-NOT OK. Trying to understand it and work through it-SUCKS AND HURTS BUT NECESSARY.

[This message edited by canteat at 6:26 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Hasslesmom posted 7/12/2013 07:19 AM

so does it seem too hasty of me to be looking into buying another home and moving on? i know that tomorrow will be the 3rd anniversary of d-day. i have read the 180 and i personally think parts of it are confusing as hell.. anyway before reading 180 last night i texted my WH while he was at work and said " that i was no longer going to participate in his fucked up lack of thinking or consideration of more than him self. i said for him to think of it as me giving him his way out. i also told him about me filling out the mortgage loan application. i told him that i thought a new start for me and my children (we have none together)would be the best thing, i asked him to stay out of the bedroom that we slept in together until i can make another home for me and my children".... to which he responded..."if this is what things are ocming down to and you think it is the best for you and the kids i want us to be fair and civil to one another

1Faith posted 7/12/2013 09:57 AM

Dear Hasslesmom

(((hugs dear)))

..."if this is what things are ocming down to and you think it is the best for you and the kids i want us to be fair and civil to one another

(((gently))) His comment makes me think he has checked out. He is allowing you to make the decision so he doesn't look even worse for ending things.

First, is the tart still working for him? If so, she needs to go immediately.

Also, are you sure they aren't still seeing each other?

I am so sorry you are in this position. It is very hurtful and unfair on every level.

The 180 is for you. For you to start to disconnect from the limbo of where your husband has put you.

This is all still very new and raw for you. So much is happening and so many emotions. All completely normal. Take one day at a time.

Hopefully your WH comes out of the fog and you can have a honest and productive conversation on his true intentions and the state of your marriage going forward.

Per your previous question, I have been living my personal hell for the last 19 months.

It is not easy but I do know regardless if you decided to stay or go, it is a rough road but you can and will make it.

Know that we are all here rooting for you.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Hasslesmom posted 7/12/2013 10:11 AM

1Faith thanks so much for the kind and caring responses and info. they work in a large organization and she was moved to a different shift. Whenever i spoke to him this morning by phone (as i am at work), i told him that i feel like he has left me no other choice but to move on as he is still lying about things like him thinking of her..also i feel like i am the only one trying to fix things and he is not fighting for us. i know im really emotional im trying to take that into consideration also. i feel like he is so wrapped up in self pity that he isnt trying to do the proper things to try to make this work. like doing his own research on infidelity, looking for a different job etc.etc....i just hate feeling that i am backed into a corner and want a husband to be looking for ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING that he can do to fix this and he acts like he just wants to run away from the whole situation.

1Faith posted 7/12/2013 10:28 AM

Check out the following link for a great article that I suggest you send to your husband. I sent it to mine the day after DDay.

http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse's-Trust-After-an-Affair

I also recommend you buy
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald

It has taken my husband a year to read it but I read everything I could. It helps you validate your feelings as well.

I understand your resenting taking all the action in trying to address the affair. I was in the exact same place.

I am a type A driver so when something needs done or is broken, I jump right in and try and fix it.

Well, it takes you both and it takes time.

Of course you are emotional. And you will be for sometime. I am still emotional. Don't beat yourself up over that. Your whole world was just turned upside down, you are bound to be emotional.

Take it one day at a time and know that you are not alone.

Stay strong and fight for your truth and honesty. You deserve both.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:07 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

Getting to Happy posted 7/13/2013 10:51 AM

Hey Hasslesmom,

What a drag to have to join this club but the memebers are sterling.

About your WH~
He is suffering from REGRET not REMORSE. He is regretful that you figured out her was fu*king a guttertwat. "I'm sorry you know, now I can't dream of 'gt' in front of you." He needs to see the destruction he has caused by selfishly serving his libido at you and family's expense. Douche'!

Add to that his very immature coping skills...

"if this is what things are ocming down to and you think it is the best for you and the kids i want us to be fair and civil to one another

He blows up the marriage and thats the best he's got?? 'Sorry babe, be nice to me while I protect my secrets with my slut'...

When he give you self serving answers give him *crickets*.

His wish for civility should be thrown out the door! The Nerve.

Don't let him know your next moves, get your ducks in a row. Put a VAR in his car in case the A has gone underground.

180 Baby! Let him wash his own skid marked underwear, make his own meals, no conversation...NC except for kids and finances. Let the 'gt' serve him since he fired you from that gig.

GAH!!

You seem to have a handle on this nasty business. But when you come out of the initial shock, the blues will start creeping on you. We know, BTDT.

Take care of you! And please protect your heart.

Reach out to us. We are here and we care.

heartache101 posted 7/13/2013 11:17 AM

(((Hasselsmom)))

My spouse did the same thing.
His 21 year old was trash still is. Sorry but mygod she looks older then me now and she is 6 years younger.

Look you have every right to know everything you want to know. Remember you can not unhear what he tells you.

Therapy is a must and 1Faith hit it on the head. Do not give him all your attention.
Look the 180 is for you.
To make you realize you are important.
Go out and join a club of interest to you if you don't already have one. Meet with the girls and laugh and have a good time. Be of interest to you!
One thing that will help is if you limit the talk of the affair when he is home also.
Is he still working with her? If so that needs to be nipped real quick too. I did that WS working with xOW. Not easy to do. Mine found another job but it took 1 1/2 years. I just kept telling myself if he wanted trash I would rather be rid of him now then later!

Good luck and remember we are here if you need us!