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A rare opportunity. What do I do??

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gypsybird87 posted 7/10/2013 16:47 PM

Hi all,

I have an opportunity to make my XWH squirm, which he has not had to do so far at any point in our breakup/divorce process.

Without going into a ton of boring detail, this would involve simply letting him know that someone he knows a- knows all about his affair, and b- doesn't appreciate being used repeatedly as an alibi.

He is coward at heart and it's very unlikely he would have the courage to say anything to this person, especially since he has already lied to them about having an affair in the first place. This person is someone XWH has a great deal of respect for, and appearances mean everything to him, NPD that he is. I know it would eat him alive to have this info and still have to face this person.

Is there any reason I shouldn't pass this info along to him? My thought is to send a text and then crickets, no matter how or if he responds. I will absolutely not be drawn into an exchange with him; this would be a single text from me, followed by silence.

I've been keeping to the high road so far, but damn, its boring. What should I do?

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 4:53 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Ann124 posted 7/10/2013 16:51 PM

I would go for it ... Too bad you couldn't do it in person to see him squirm

devistatedmom posted 7/10/2013 16:55 PM

Sit on it. Use the info at an opportune time, when he's being an ass about something else, to throw him off.

Nature_Girl posted 7/10/2013 16:57 PM

I agree with Devastated. Keep this card until you need to play it.

gypsybird87 posted 7/10/2013 17:02 PM

Hmm... I hadn't thought about just keeping the card. The thing is that since our divorce is final and we have no kids, no joint or shared anything anymore, we aren't in any contact or battling about anything. He texted me last week about my alarm system and I was floored to get that from him. It was the first contact in a month. And btw I didn't respond to him at all on that.

If I'm going to play this card at all, I think it has to be now.

h0peless posted 7/10/2013 17:08 PM

So what do you stand to gain from playing it? I'm in a similar situation to you (divorced, no kids, no real reason for contact with a completely unremorseful asshole of a cheater) and I can't see the benefit to you here. All this does is to let him know that he's still taking up your headspace (which is perfectly natural, I still think about my ex almost constantly but she doesn't get to have that insight into my life) and feeds his precious ego.

I understand wanting revenge. I understand wanting to see them squirm. Honestly, I think the best revenge you could possibly get would to leave him alone and let him live out the rest of his life as a lonely, fucked up asshole. Sounds pretty miserable to me.

Sad in AZ posted 7/10/2013 17:10 PM

I don't know...if he's really NPD, he'll figure out a way to spin it, and you won't get any satisfaction out of it. He absolutely can't look bad with info coming from you. Can you figure out a way to have someone else spring the news? I have a feeling it would confuse him more, and you can watch the meltdown from a distance while laughing your ass off.

gypsybird87 posted 7/10/2013 17:23 PM


You are right, the only benefit here would be "revenge" as you said. The hardest part is that he isn't living a lonely sad life. He moved out of our home 1 week after d-day and straight in with the OW. They are happy as clams playing house together. The only one who's lonely here is me.

I guess what I'm struggling with is that he made all the bad/wrong/selfish/immoral choices, and so far he's had to pay no consequences. None. I lost everything, and he lost absolutely nothing. He just threw me away like garbage walked away and started a new life with someone new. He has no heart, no soul, and apparently no brains.... The only vulnerable spot he has is his pride and what people think of him.

I want him to hurt, just a little, just a TINY speck of hurt in comparison to the hurt he's caused me. It's selfish and low and mean and not like me... and that's why I'm posting for help on whether or not to do it.

h0peless posted 7/10/2013 17:41 PM

The hardest part is that he isn't living a lonely sad life.

Are you sure about that? Because

He has no heart, no soul, and apparently no brains.... The only vulnerable spot he has is his pride and what people think of him.

sounds pretty fucking miserable to me. Could you imagine going through life like that? How disconnected you would be? Can you imagine living your whole life as a shell? Being that concerned about appearances?

I can relate to absolutely everything you wrote in your post. Things are a lot more fresh for you but it's been almost a year from my Dday and I still feel like I was thrown away sometimes. It's tough dealing with the fact that someone you loved and trusted implicitly used you, dehumanized you and walked off. That's a tough thing to get over and it's a process that apparently takes a lot longer than the one year I've been struggling with it.

Just know that the loneliness fades into solitude, which can actually be pretty enjoyable if you let it. It takes time but you will get there. No matter what you do, chances are he is incapable of hurting like you do because he is incapable of caring like you do. That's one of the downsides of being a disordered asshole, your shallow affect prevents you from experiencing life's highs AND lows like a normal person.

It's selfish and low and mean and not like me... and that's why I'm posting for help on whether or not to do it.

The thing that has driven me to this point is the idea that I can still look in the mirror and like what I see. I'm not perfect but I haven't betrayed myself through this whole process and I'm grateful for that. The quote above tells me that as small as passing along that information would be compared to what he did to you, doing so would still be a betrayal of yourself.

What2do posted 7/10/2013 17:52 PM

I say go for it.

Crescita posted 7/10/2013 18:02 PM

I'd smile quietly and let him keep up his charade. Take your satisfaction from knowing this person thinks less of him and he is completely unaware. If he knows he can spin it, avoid him, or make amends, as is, he will just keep burying himself in lies and have no awareness how he ended up covered in shit and lost everyone's respect.

gypsybird87 posted 7/10/2013 18:18 PM

I'm not going to say anything to him.

I realized it doesn't matter how he would feel about it after I did it. What matters is how *I* would feel about it, and about myself. And I think I would feel worse. No, I KNOW I would. I am a better person than this.

I had already reached this decision, but Hopeless... thank you so much for your responses and insight. Your second post made me cry. I'm trying so hard to be strong, to be the better person, to hold my head up high and know that at end of the day, I did right by myself and by my own heart. But its just so hard. It hurts so much!!

But I refuse to let this turn me into someone I'm not. How XWH can look himself in the mirror each day is beyond me. I could never, NEVER live with what he's done.

Thanks for your understanding and for (hopefully) not thinking less of me during this weak moment.

h0peless posted 7/10/2013 19:16 PM

Thanks for your understanding and for (hopefully) not thinking less of me during this weak moment.

Not all revenge fantasies are created equal and in the grand scheme of things, yours was pretty tame. My head was a pretty disturbing place to be in the months directly after Dday.

TrustedHer posted 7/10/2013 21:19 PM

NC = No New Hurts

You've figured this out, but I thought it was worth saying for others who might read this thread.

dindy posted 7/11/2013 04:33 AM

I think you have made a good choice GypsyBird87 in not doing anything. At least you can hold you're head high with your self-respect and dignity intact.

I felt like you did too, used and thrown to the rubbish without even a care for me or our two young children. I now know that I did nothing to push him into having an affair like he would like me believe. I may not have been the perfect partner but it takes two to make a relationship work and one two have an affair and ruin the life you had.

Good on you for taking the moral high ground , it's not easy! :)

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