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Will this be my reality forever now?

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MylarPineapples posted 7/10/2013 18:34 PM

WH has been going to IC for several weeks now. He continues to be very remorseful, and is saying and doing all the right things. I started reading "Not Just Friends," and he started reading it too. He tells me he wants me to share my thoughts and feelings with him, even if I'm just letting him have it - he says he knows he was in the wrong and I am justified in being angry.

But it feels different this time. When I caught him sexting in January, I told him that up until that point I had viewed him as a decent man who had made some errors in judgment, but that if he continued this type of behavior then it would become something much more than that. I would have no choice but to question his character. At that time he apologized profusely, begged forgiveness, promised it would never happen again. But here we are - barely 5 months later I catch him doing the same thing (but worse) with another woman.

I feel differently toward him than I have the other times we've gone down this road. Rather than seeing him as a good man who made a horrible mistake, I am now questioning who this man even is. Have I been married to a lying sleazebag all along and just didn't realize it? When he talks, I feel like what he says carries no weight whatsoever - he is not a valid source of information about ANYTHING to me because he has lied to me so easily and so imperceptibly in the past.

I have always been so in love with him, and felt like he was my very best friend. Now I feel like he is someone I need to keep at arms length and keep one eye on at all times.

I have thought about leaving, but I really don't want a divorce. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else, and I don't want to put my kids through that. Plus, our oldest will graduate high school in a year, and I'd hate to throw his life into such turmoil.

But then I think, maybe WH is thinking the same thing. Even though he says how much he loves me, and how he'd do anything to save our marriage, maybe what he's really thinking is that he will stay for at least another year so he will have one less child to pay child support for. Maybe he is only staying because he has pissed off his OW and he doesn't have another woman in the wings at this moment.

After our most recent Dday, I opened a bank account in my own name and told WH that I was doing so. I told him that I planned to save enough money in there to retain an attorney immediately if I caught him so much as winking at another woman again. At the time I just put a few hundred dollars in there and figured I would wait and see what happened. This week, I decided to change my direct deposits at work so that a few hundred dollars a month will go directly into that savings account, so I should have a few thousand saved before our oldest graduates. That action is so, so depressing to me, that this is where I have come to in my marriage. That I feel like I can't even trust that my husband will be there tomorrow, so I have to be ready at all times to make it without him.

Is this how it will always be from now on? I just can't imagine how I will ever trust him again, after going through this in the past and hearing all the same apologies and declarations of love and eternal devotion. I just don't know if I can live the rest of my life feeling every day like my husband is probably screwing around on his lunch breaks at work.

crazyblindsided posted 7/10/2013 18:40 PM


I'm sorry you are here and feeling this way.

The new reality is yes we are with someone who we thought wasn't capable of stabbing us in the back. The WS has to work hard at R to regain your trust and if the WS is not doing that then it is best to 180.

I am 16 months out from DDay1 and I can say that just recently my WH is resembling the man I used to know, the only bad part is I know his evil brother too. Only time will tell.

My reality has forever changed though

blakesteele posted 7/10/2013 19:58 PM


Is it possible to visit with your husbands IC? Maybe get their take on where the husband is at? See if they picked up on him re-entering sexting territory?

My wife was in a fog for months....trickle truthed, lied, kept the affair going a bit longer (a few weeks) past what she originally told me...then emailed the OM...he did not respond...the affair died then....but she was like an addict...almost like she had withdrawals. It is possible your husband is going through a fog and withdrawals.

Did he invite you to be a part of his NC establishment? I found this site way after I even thought that was a possibility...wish I had seen the email she sent OM.

Sounds like you discovered it....or did he admit it?

Oh this is tough stuff. I am 10 months out from knowing about the affair, 8 months out from my wifes affair ending, 5 months out from a real confession...and I am squarely in the General section...not in R take what I post with a grain of salt.

I regret not standing firm on some of my lines in the sand...probably added considerable time to my wife coming out of her fog and to our possible path to R.

Such a shock to the BS...hard to make sensible decisions....which is why 180 should almost be the very first step...but I am telling you I was in such shock that I just could not fathom what was really happening....

NJF is the best book out there...a great step in the right direction. I am pleased he is reading it.

The problem with what you are experiencing, and what I experienced after each new lie was that it basically restarts the clock on any progress the BS makes....appears a majority of WS miss this easy to see fact....sigh.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:58 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

MylarPineapples posted 7/10/2013 20:54 PM

Thank you both for your replies. I really don't have anyone I can talk to about this IRL, so it helps so much to be able to get my thoughts out to people who might understand.

The WS has to work hard at R to regain your trust and if the WS is not doing that then it is best to 180.

He seems to be working hard at regaining my trust. The problem is that he seemed to be working hard to regain my trust the last time too, and when I gave it to him, he betrayed me again. And again...

Is it possible to visit with your husbands IC? Maybe get their take on where the husband is at? See if they picked up on him re-entering sexting territory?

He just started IC after the most recent DDay. His therapist mentioned at the beginning that it would be good for me to sit in to work on issues r/t our marriage. I talked to WH about that yesterday, and he is going to ask the therapist next week about when I should come to an appointment.

It's interesting that you mention your WW being like an addict. My WH's therapist thinks that WH's behavior is related to addictive tendencies. (He is also a recovering addict/alcoholic who has been sober for 19 years.) In his case though, it wasn't one individual he was in contact with, each time it has been a different woman. The situation is complicated by the fact that the two most recent OW are his coworkers, so complete NC is not feasible.

He insists there was never any PA. But really... I know for a fact that he has made plans to secretly meet with 3 different women, but he insists that nothing physical ever happened. He, however, has NEVER readily confessed to anything - I have always discovered everything by looking at his cell phone (actually completely by accident in all but one case). He says he has told me everything there is to know, and that there is no more TT to come - but deep down I don't think he would EVER admit to a PA unless I actually caught him red-handed.

I just feel like if I am going to stay married to this man, I would have to accept that I can never 100% trust what he's doing when he's out of my sight. When he decides he wants something, he will FIND a way to get it and also to justify it in his own mind.

So many things take on new meanings in hindsight now. The first few years of our marriage I used to visit him at work often on his lunch breaks with our oldest child. Later, he suddenly told me that he preferred I not come to his work anymore because he didn't have enough time to eat and relax when he was focused on visiting with me and watching the kids. At the time I suspected that the real reason was because he was embarrassed of me because I had gained weight after having our other children. But now, I think maybe it was more that he didn't want my presence to impede his flirtations. It's just so, so hard to know now what is real and what is BS.

doggiemom12 posted 7/10/2013 21:28 PM

Why not send your entire check into your new bank account? I would not let him have any access to any money at all now. He is telling you who he is. Listen to him.

MylarPineapples posted 7/11/2013 00:49 AM

Why not send your entire check into your new bank account? I would not let him have any access to any money at all now.

A big part of us working on our marriage in the past was combining finances and working on financial goals together as one unit. I don't think I would totally separate our money unless I was committed to S or D.

He is telling you who he is. Listen to him.

Very sadly, I think I agree with this. Just not sure where to go with it.

blakesteele posted 7/11/2013 06:56 AM

You talk about how taking all of your paycheck and putting it in your own account will hurt your overall goal of unity within the marriage...I can relate.

My wife and I struggle to figure out what part of this is an individual journey and what type is a group effort.

My weakness is that I really desire unity...but my wifes actions indicate she does not want that. We both come from divorced homes...both see how vulnerable a spouse can be in a relationship...both of us don't want to be like our parents. We had separate checking accounts for the first 9 years of our marriage...we both wanted this.

Then we had children and my wife and I decided she would stay at home with them. I found a job that could let us do that, and we moved to one joint account....both of us keeping our own checking accounts, but my income went into the joint account only.

I really liked this once I got use to felt more right. My wife had a bit more trouble with it...she still felt a bit vulnerable due to the fact that she was not contributing to our account. I did not feel I did things that made her feel that way...and she enthusiastically agrees with that...says I have never once made it sound like that was MY money (except after I discovered her A).

Fast forward to the affair. One of the first things I did was move most of our cash out of our joint account into my personal account, which she does not have access to. I felt threatened, my wifes actions were neurotic in nature...this is the addict state I spoke of upset her but I told her that is what is going on. She lost my trust, our family was threatened, I did not know what her plans were and so the money is staying put. That money is there today. My subsequent paychecks go into our join account now...but our nest egg is still protected.

My wife was really upset...but she has gotten over it.

Keep in mind our actions can be reversed. So if your paycheck going into your personal account right now makes you feel more secure, gives you even just a little it! Your husband has no reason to not trust you...he may not be happy but he has nothing to base his objection to this except his selfish desires. If you find that in X amount of time you don't need to protect yourself from him then go back to putting your paycheck in your joint account again...this act may help your husband see that you are once again open to trusting him. The sad fact is we don't trust our spouses right now...we really really really want to...but this is where we have to be strong and honest. It is not a weakness in us that puts us is a weakness that has just been revealed within our spouses. (I wrestle with this too....this is what I mean by finding small, easy ways to stabilize ourselves...because we have bigger fish to fry! smile)

I know this goes against what you and I both are seeking...a unified marriage...but right now we need to do damage control...stabilize that in our life that is easily stabilized...God knows there are much more complicated issues requiring our attention right now.

Also, keep an open mind about what can and can not be done. You mention NC is not possible since your husband works with these women. It is an option for him to quit his job and find another.

This, too, is where I think we are similar...wrestling with what is ACTUALLY possible compared to what we PERCIEVE to be actually possible. My neighborhood is a trigger...wife and her OM would drop their respective kids off at school and then get together...wife can and does walk our kids to school. There meeting spots are all park, running trail, his cabin in the woods, etc.. I am still contemplating selling our house and moving.

We chose a great neighborhood, a great town, good schools, etc.. From a FAMILY standpoint this is a great location for us. From a healthy marriage standpoint...triggers abound...and the fact that this is a small town and I run into the OM occasionally...and so does my I, too, wrestle with tough decisions.

I still get angry that I am forced to make such conscious decisions because my wife and another married man failed to take anything else into consideration but their own selfish desires.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:06 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

sisoon posted 7/11/2013 09:12 AM

I'm sorry you're here. The bad news is that the infidelity will be with you forever. The good news is that you can recover and thrive.

I strongly recommend talking to your H's IC, but not about M issues. Your H's IC ethically has to be loyal to your H. Besides, he met your H first. It's just too likely that he may not be able to be objective working on M issues.

DO talk to him to confirm that he thinks your H's goals for IC are the same as you think they are and to confirm that your H has told his IC the same things he's told you.

Being confused is normal, but it's probably because you have feelings of terrible grief, anger, and fear. Have you considered IC for you - to get support working through your thoughts and feelings? SI is a source of GREAT peer counseling, but usually it's helpful to talk to someone IRL. After all, IRL, the person you're talking to gets your affect, body language, etc. - not just a few of your words. also, an IC can help you decide what feelings you want to share with your H.

For M issues, you need an MC if you want pro help - an MC owes loyalty to the relationship, not just you or him. MC sessions are good opportunities to share feelings you don't feel safe sharing when it's just the 2 of you.

Our MC is my W's IC. She's very experienced with couples recovering from infidelity, and she's been great at serving my W in IC sessions and our relationship in MC sessions. Not every C can play both roles for the same people, so use your head, your heart, and your gut in choosing Cs. BTW, I asked our MC to be my IC - after much thought, she refused, because she feared a conflict of interest.

For me, too, splitting the finances has been awful. We had run with completely joint finances since 1967. I can't describe how bad I feel that W is no longer the beneficiary of my 401K and IRA.

Here's the thing, though - if he fixes himself and you decide to R, does it make a big difference?

Hang in. Life gets better. Remember - you can recover and thrive.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:17 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

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