You talk about how taking all of your paycheck and putting it in your own account will hurt your overall goal of unity within the marriage...I can relate.
My wife and I struggle to figure out what part of this is an individual journey and what type is a group effort.
My weakness is that I really desire unity...but my wifes actions indicate she does not want that. We both come from divorced homes...both see how vulnerable a spouse can be in a relationship...both of us don't want to be like our parents. We had separate checking accounts for the first 9 years of our marriage...we both wanted this.
Then we had children and my wife and I decided she would stay at home with them. I found a job that could let us do that, and we moved to one joint account....both of us keeping our own checking accounts, but my income went into the joint account only.
I really liked this once I got use to it...it felt more right. My wife had a bit more trouble with it...she still felt a bit vulnerable due to the fact that she was not contributing to our account. I did not feel I did things that made her feel that way...and she enthusiastically agrees with that...says I have never once made it sound like that was MY money (except after I discovered her A).
Fast forward to the affair. One of the first things I did was move most of our cash out of our joint account into my personal account, which she does not have access to. I felt threatened, my wifes actions were neurotic in nature...this is the addict state I spoke of earlier...it upset her but I told her that is what is going on. She lost my trust, our family was threatened, I did not know what her plans were and so the money is staying put. That money is there today. My subsequent paychecks go into our join account now...but our nest egg is still protected.
My wife was really upset...but she has gotten over it.
Keep in mind our actions can be reversed. So if your paycheck going into your personal account right now makes you feel more secure, gives you even just a little stability....do it! Your husband has no reason to not trust you...he may not be happy but he has nothing to base his objection to this except his selfish desires. If you find that in X amount of time you don't need to protect yourself from him then go back to putting your paycheck in your joint account again...this act may help your husband see that you are once again open to trusting him. The sad fact is we don't trust our spouses right now...we really really really want to...but this is where we have to be strong and honest. It is not a weakness in us that puts us there...it is a weakness that has just been revealed within our spouses. (I wrestle with this too....this is what I mean by finding small, easy ways to stabilize ourselves...because we have bigger fish to fry! smile)
I know this goes against what you and I both are seeking...a unified marriage...but right now we need to do damage control...stabilize that in our life that is easily stabilized...God knows there are much more complicated issues requiring our attention right now.
Also, keep an open mind about what can and can not be done. You mention NC is not possible since your husband works with these women. It is an option for him to quit his job and find another.
This, too, is where I think we are similar...wrestling with what is ACTUALLY possible compared to what we PERCIEVE to be actually possible. My neighborhood is a trigger...wife and her OM would drop their respective kids off at school and then get together...wife can and does walk our kids to school. There meeting spots are all around...city park, running trail, his cabin in the woods, etc.. I am still contemplating selling our house and moving.
We chose a great neighborhood, a great town, good schools, etc.. From a FAMILY standpoint this is a great location for us. From a healthy marriage standpoint...triggers abound...and the fact that this is a small town and I run into the OM occasionally...and so does my wife....so I, too, wrestle with tough decisions.
I still get angry that I am forced to make such conscious decisions because my wife and another married man failed to take anything else into consideration but their own selfish desires.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:06 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]