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undonelife posted 7/10/2013 20:53 PM

Anyone else just feel sucked dry by their wayward? We have been in R for about 5 months now w/counseling. He doesn't act like he's bothered anymore. He acts like he's happy. All I feel is hurt. He's ready to 'begin again' and more forward. Its just another form of him avoiding what he's done. He tells me he doesn't want us to keep wallowing in it. Not in a mean way or like I don't have the right to wallow, but in a way that its not good for us. MC says I may never know why he chose to cheat. I think he just doesn't want to dig deep enough to find out why. Its shame Im sure. He tells me he gets sick to his stomach everytime I ask questions, or everytime he thinks about what he's done, or anytime he see's her at work. Says he prays that he will be nauseated if he sees her at work. (he cant find another job yet - he's been trying). Im doing a lot of fake it until I make it and not real sure I want a life with him. Im afraid if I do leave it will hurt my kids. I came from a divorced home and I never want my kids to experience that. It still affects my personal life 30+ years after the fact. How do I get past this feeling of disgust, anger, and feeling like I was tossed to the side. How could he toss me aside and now 6 months later be all in love with me again? Don't know the point of this post, just had to write it out and hear from y'all.

MartlArts posted 7/10/2013 21:17 PM

They do want to avoid it - wouldn't you, if you were them? If you knew you'd torn the guts out of someone you love, wouldn't you rather rugsweep and think about something else?

I hope your MC is experienced in infidelity and will discourage rugsweeping.

silverhopes posted 7/10/2013 23:52 PM

I find it concerning that at five months out, 1) he doesn't want you guys to "wallow", 2) MC says you may never know his whys, and 3) you get the sense he's not going to do the work to find out why. That tells me that he might not truly change, and that your M isn't safe.

Considering especially that it took him 3 months after D-Day to finally commit to R (is that right?) he very much needs to "wallow" in it - in the sense that he needs to really spend time examining and OWNING it and then figuring out how he needs to become a healthier person and spouse.

Him needing to be healthier is reason enough... but equally importantly, how is he going to help you heal if he just wants to move on? What, he's going to leave you behind with all the hurtful memories and questions? He's gotta stay with you and help you heal from the nuclear bomb he dropped on your M. The bomb doesn't just hit and life goes back to normal... there's mourning the dead and burying and honoring them (in this case, the precious things in your M that were tainted or destroyed by his A), there's radiation poisoning to heal from (if yours is the feeling of total devastation and his is the feeling of shame, then the worst thing he can do is ignore both your feelings!), there's rebuilding the home (many times this involves relocating), and if you're rebuilding at ground zero... the ground has to be stable before you can even think of rebuilding! Does he mean to say he already has the tools to rebuild and to help you heal? Really? What if his tools consist of a monkey wrench and an oxygen tank, where what you really need are hammers, nails, and a table saw? I hope he and the MC don't "give up" too soon, it sounds like they could easily miss out on a very important transition and growth period, and you need support!!!

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:56 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

undonelife posted 7/12/2013 20:28 PM

Silver hope yes it was 3 months before he decided to R. He hated me. I thought he was a walk away spouse but he says he wasn't. Even after he went NC with her he said he didn't want me. He wavered back & forth almost weekly. He'd tell me he was sorry then take it back. It was a hellish nightmare for those 3 months. He'd tell me he was moving out to be to be alone then he wouldn't move. We had in house separation because of that. He even file for divorce the. Backed out of it before I was served. I just stood on he side and watched him meltdown while I was coming apart at the seams. What a nightmare!