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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Helping along the karma bus
roughroadahead
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I posted a couple of weeks ago about finding a corporate account number already filled in on a hotel (waffle's favorite) web page when I was looking at weekend getaways for myself and the kids. It was a laptop waffle and MOW both had access to, as he took it to work sometimes.

I have determined that it is not a remnant from the computer's previous owner (the school at which my mom is principal). I also have a friend from law school who works for the general counsel at waffle and MOW's employer.

Do I pass this info along and encourage the karma bus? Strategically, it makes no difference to my divorce case.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 9:53 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he likely to loose his job? Will that impact any monies you would receive from him?

That would guide my decision in this.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would stay out of it - more for your own sake than his.

He may have had a legitimate business reason for the hotel room and just brought her along.

He may have booked it using the corporate account number but paying it himself.

He may have his own account number.

Or a myriad of other reasons.

Sharing this info with your friend only puts her in an awkward position - not him.

If I had actual solid proof of inappropriate conduct I still don't know that I would report unless it was major fraud or impacted me directly.

These things have a way of being found out eventually and I would personally feel a whole lot better not driving the karma bus myself.

Trust me - it feels waaaaay better when they drive their own bus.

Karma comes in ways and times you least expect it. I honestly believe most of us don't actually know when it hits because we've distanced ourselves appropriately.

In any event - he lost me. I have gone on to have a happy and fulfilling life - long may it continue!

He has to live with himself and what he has done every single day of his life. That there is enough karma for me - even if he is too broken to ever realise it.

Any other ways he wrecks his life doesn't make me happy (except for the fact that it reinforces I dodged so many bullets) - it will just be an amusing anecdote to share here.

Don't make karma your goal - let it be indifference.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 10:44 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5658 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
roughroadahead
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB: he was a nurse manager. He did not ever have a legitimate business need to arrange for travel on his own or his employees' behalf. MOW works on the business side of the hospital. I don't know much about her situation, but I do know waffle never traveled on business.

Basically, it is MOW I would like to see suffer.

I know indifference is my goal. I would really like to get there. I think I may be struggling with the looming wedding anniversary.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may have been her.

It doesn't change my advice here.

Basically, it is MOW I would like to see suffer.

She is in a relationship with a lying, cheating POS. That there is enough Karma for me.

I think you're looking for something unattainable. You are a good hearted person who has been hurt terribly. You would like for this black hearted OW to be hurt too. She will be hurt - she has been hurt, but not in ways discernible to you because you are not in her life.

Vengeful thoughts make you feel good for a nano-second and can distract you from the pain momentarily. But it doesn't last and in fact allowing her so much free real estate in your head keeps your wounds open and festering for far longer than they need to be.

SHE is not your problem. HE is. If it wasn't her it would have been some other OW. There is nothing special about her - she was just the next and nearest willing.

In time he won't be your problem anymore - detachment will give you this gift. But it doesn't happen without effort.

What you're feeling is completely normal but don't get stuck here too long. You're focussing on the wrong people. They don't deserve any of your focus. Put your energy into you - you will reap great rewards for your effort.

((RRA)) None of this is easy. Easier said than done is an understatement. It isn't easy but it works.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5658 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't allow the need for revenge to consume your NB. Too many of us waste time and energy focusing on getting even. And the natural byproduct of this behavior is that we simply don't live our lives. Leave revenge for the man upstairs or simply let it go. People like that shoot themselves in the foot eventually. I like you wanted my pound of flesh. So I figured out I would help Karma along and fuck with OM's life. It actually worked and he was fired for using company resources to enable his A with my XWW. I was giddy with happiness. Until my sister reminded me that all I did was give that asshole new opportunities to cheat on his BS. She explained that he would find another job and have a clean slate to pull his bullshit all over again. Therefore by doing what I did I put another poor slob like myself in a position to go through what I had. That kind of put a damper on my joy. People like them are manipulators and slicksters. They can simply talk their way into other positions just to start their crap all over again. I feel that exposure works best. Once the cats out of the bag the cheaters are the ones who have to live with those consequences. My XWW was shunned at her place of employment after I exposed her A with one of her bosses. He was fired and they allowed her to stay. But her career basically died right then. And she became the target of office gossip and was labeled a whore by her coworkers. Just my .02 cents


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5829 | Registered: Nov 2007
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What SBB said. Let it go.

Remember, they like the 'us vs. the world' thing. It will only feed their fantasy, their drama, and not give them a "wow, I really fucked up," moment.

And that's even *if* anything comes of it.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4743 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
newnormal
♀ 21925
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What stopped me from any revenge is the thought that "vengeance is mine says the Lord" and He has a whole lot more resources than I have.

Let time pass and karma will hit her harder than anything you can do. It will be worth the wait.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
Dawn58
♀ 37656
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this one myself. I was slammed to the floor when I found out about the A. I was devastated and spent so much time in gut wrenching pain. Confused and lost. I spend countless hours thinking of ways to nudge that damn bus along. Some of my ideas were pretty clever. I wanted him to feel the pain that he caused me.

But, since he is incapable of feeling love, I doubt he can feel pain. He has no conscious, has rewritten the history of the marriage and has turned me into a cold hearted bitch.

I don't protect him and have told my close friends and family what he did.

I know what will happen with the OW. If he's true to his pattern (I am wife #3, same outcome with wife #2 - only he had two affairs that she knew of in that marriage. I bet the same thing happened to wife #1). He'll marry her in a year or so, marriage will last a few years and then, he'll kick her to the curb.

He will never know true love in his life. He'll always be chasing that brass ring. He'll always be trying to fill that empty spot with cars, clothes, trying to impress others with his accomplishments, work himself to death to get, get, get.

Sounds like he will be a passenger on that bus for a very long time.....


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
roughroadahead
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has already been fired from the job he had at the time of the A. Although the A wasn't mentioned in writing, during the various documented conversations leading up to it, they mentioned his "integrity" and questioned his "decision making". Work performance had not previously been an issue. He got the maximum raise in the review pre-MOW.

He has now shoved that incident firmly into the vault and continues in denial. I can't risk his job due to the insurance benefits for my children, but I really, really want that bitch to suffer. Maybe nothing would come of this incident, but her name would be "out there" in case anything further came up.

I know it's unproductive to have so much anger against MOW. It comes and goes in waves. Like I said, I am gearing up for the first post-S wedding anniversary, so that may have me cycling back to anger.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was the 9th wedding anniversary 2 days ago here too. Exactly 1 year since final S.

I've now been through all of my firsts - this first year has been rough and I suspect year 2 will have some unexpected rough patches on this damned rollercoaster.

But. I am growing and healing a little more every single day. I am active in it, rather than passive.

When I had these kinds of thoughts I found the pain unbearable. Once I started pushing the thoughts away for a little while I found the angry phases didn't last quite so long and I didn't end up on the floor after them for quite so long.

Stay true to you, friend. Nothing you do to her will take this pain away. Nothing you do to her will bypass what you need to go through. As they say here the only way through it is through it.

Please don't stay here too long - it is toxic. The root of anger is hurt, let the hurt out and cry as much as you need to.

I remember the crying bouts used to be crippling but now they are cleansing. Give yourself time and space to grieve.

You are going to be OK. I promise you you won't always feel this way.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5658 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Vulcanized
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RRA,

As others have said, let it go. Karma has a way of doing things way better than we do. If interfered with, there is too much possibility of it not going how it was supposed to.

I understand the burning desire to make OW suffer. I've had many delightful () scenarios in my head for the last 4 years. I even had a very specific one planned for the day my D was final. That was 4 months ago & now ... ptth, don't care enough.

The magic realization: OW wanted my M, my XH, my life. Now she's got it (almost): my
XH cheats on her, plus, I'm guessing he blames her, out loud, for trashing his M. That is the best kind of karmic retribution.

Entertain yourself w/preposterous scenarios that you'd never do. Have a laugh, then let it go.

(((RRA)))


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Topic Posts: 12

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