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Positive, positive, but still so lonely

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Afraidtolove posted 7/10/2013 22:49 PM

It's been since September since I asked my ex to leave and divorced. I thought it would solve the pain but it didn't. Months of pain, anxiety, and depression. I was on a downward spiral. Drinking, partying, and dating. I tried another route positive. Picked up a guitar learned to play, piano, bass, exercising, positive friends and dating smarter, but still so alone. Why????? Is it time????? How long????

OnceInALifetime posted 7/10/2013 23:14 PM

I hear you. When the roots are yanked, it's hard to adapt. Been 3 years for me and I still get lonely at times.

What I can tell you is that I've no longer got my XW occupying much space in my mind. No longer asking "Why?" or any of that. Realized I would never know the answer, and more important, I lost interest.

That will come your way, too. The nice thing is that you're still young. Even a long time from now you'll still be young. So take your time and let the healing go at its pace.

FaithFool posted 7/10/2013 23:54 PM

You are less than a year out from the event, so you are still raw.

I'm five years out now and began to feel somewhat normal again this past winter.

Spend time with your feelings and just sit with it for awhile without self-medicating with distractions.

Eventually you will have it figured out. Nobody wants to hear it but it takes t.i.m.e.


stronger08 posted 7/11/2013 04:46 AM

Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. Infidelity IMHO is the deepest emotional wound to heal from. I know Its a cliché, but time does heal all wounds. I can admit to doing what you did as well. Too much boozing and meaningless encounters with women I would normally walk right past. I needed to feel wanted, accepted and desirable to the opposite sex. But in the end all it did was make my life an empty space. For me I took a year off from everything. Just worked on myself and really thought about what I wanted for my life. Get yourself to a good point in life and the rest falls into place.

Afraidtolove posted 7/11/2013 05:54 AM

Thanks for your post:) I just felt like I've been through so much and still have a lot to go. I just wish I can go back to my old self.

phmh posted 7/11/2013 07:28 AM

It does take time, but it's also what you do with the time. Did you do any IC? I really recommend the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" which has exercises to do to help you through it.

It does get better, so much better, but it takes time and work. You'll get there, though!

better4me posted 7/12/2013 14:26 PM

and there are so many of us here in the same boat that we really aren't "alone". I often come here to SI when that feeling is hitting me hard. So good to know that others understand.

3 years for me in a couple of months...Learning from it, leaning into it...but it still sucks sometimes.

kernel posted 7/12/2013 21:30 PM

I hear you. When the roots are yanked, it's hard to adapt. Been 3 years for me and I still get lonely at times.

Ditto for me. Divorced 3 years in September. It takes time but it will get here. I just realized today that my 28th wedding anniversary would have been this year - in June! The only reason I even remembered it is because oxsgirl posted something that reminded me. This is a HUGE positive for me. Never thought I would get here.

You will too, in time.

Ariel posted 7/14/2013 15:28 PM

My SAWH finally left about 2 months ago after 11 years of my, one-sided trying. The first month I felt like I was just going to die inside. The pain was the worst I've ever experienced in my life - including losing my precious mother. I was constantly asking myself if the knot in my stomach was ever going to go away. I couldn't eat - couldn't sleep - cried almost all the time. The first night I was alone I was so broken that I just curled up in my bed, hugging my Bible, and praying that God would either just take me home or would somehow allow me to feel his arms around me. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Since then, it's been a huge rollercoaster ride. One day I feel great and then the next, I feel like I can barely get out of bed.

I bought a ton of books and have been reading through them over and over, trying to realize that I must find my worth within myself and not via someone else loving me. We must learn to love ourselves enough to not fear being alone. We are not alone. Through this website, family, friends, and support groups, we must always remember we are not alone.

Another thing I've learned is that during those times of feeling lonely, they are actually times that I am healing and growing stronger. I'm learning to detach from my toxic marriage and am realizing my value and worth as a loving, caring, & compassionate human being.

We all deserve so much more than these spouses will ever be capable of giving to us.

So, stay positive!!!! Realize that you are healing even though you are feeling lonely. Try to remember that "alone" does not mean "lonely." Try to explore and appreciate solitude because it can be restful. Try to view it as spending time with the most important person - YOU!! Also, if you can learn to enjoy yourself then you will be able to genuinely enjoy others. (I'm preaching all these things to myself right now too! :)

Try to hang in there. Everyone tells us that it will get better with time - that time heals all wounds. I know that I'm better than I was 2 months ago, so I can see I am healing - little-by-little.

Found a poem in a book called "How To Survive the Loss of a Love" that reads:

To lose you as a love was painful.
To lose you as a friend is equally painful.
But lost you are.
The walls are sooo high, and that finely honed saber I had when I began storming your citadel isn't even sharp enough to slash my wrists.
It's not that I don't care.
It's just that I can't let myself care any more.

(((hugs to you)))

Afraidtolove posted 7/14/2013 22:42 PM

Thanks for the support! You have no idea how this is helping me. I am finally slowly feeling better. I am concentrating on just making new friends and not love interests. "in time" I will get there but for now, it's me time and that's okay I am happy right now and concreting on the future. I still miss my past life but I am trying to get my new one started. One day my heart will smile again but until then I will be the best person I can allow myself to be. thanks again for the support and best of luck to everyone on your new life journey!

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