My SAWH finally left about 2 months ago after 11 years of my, one-sided trying. The first month I felt like I was just going to die inside. The pain was the worst I've ever experienced in my life - including losing my precious mother. I was constantly asking myself if the knot in my stomach was ever going to go away. I couldn't eat - couldn't sleep - cried almost all the time. The first night I was alone I was so broken that I just curled up in my bed, hugging my Bible, and praying that God would either just take me home or would somehow allow me to feel his arms around me. I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Since then, it's been a huge rollercoaster ride. One day I feel great and then the next, I feel like I can barely get out of bed.
I bought a ton of books and have been reading through them over and over, trying to realize that I must find my worth within myself and not via someone else loving me. We must learn to love ourselves enough to not fear being alone. We are not alone. Through this website, family, friends, and support groups, we must always remember we are not alone.
Another thing I've learned is that during those times of feeling lonely, they are actually times that I am healing and growing stronger. I'm learning to detach from my toxic marriage and am realizing my value and worth as a loving, caring, & compassionate human being.
We all deserve so much more than these spouses will ever be capable of giving to us.
So, stay positive!!!! Realize that you are healing even though you are feeling lonely. Try to remember that "alone" does not mean "lonely." Try to explore and appreciate solitude because it can be restful. Try to view it as spending time with the most important person - YOU!! Also, if you can learn to enjoy yourself then you will be able to genuinely enjoy others. (I'm preaching all these things to myself right now too! :)
Try to hang in there. Everyone tells us that it will get better with time - that time heals all wounds. I know that I'm better than I was 2 months ago, so I can see I am healing - little-by-little.
Found a poem in a book called "How To Survive the Loss of a Love" that reads:
To lose you as a love was painful.
To lose you as a friend is equally painful.
But lost you are.
The walls are sooo high, and that finely honed saber I had when I began storming your citadel isn't even sharp enough to slash my wrists.
It's not that I don't care.
It's just that I can't let myself care any more.
(((hugs to you)))