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I am having the worst trigger tonight.

We just went to bed and h wanted me to just rub his shoulders, touch him.

Flashes of her touching him. How can I see this??? I wasn't there.

I just started crying, want to push him away. He just said it's ok, it will go away.

I wanted to scream, no it's not going to go away, this is my life now. This I carry forever.

I hate this, it hurts too much. How could he hurt me like this?

I always told him, if I had to go through all of the pain of my life to get to you then it was worth it.

Now I have nothing left, he has caused the worst pain I have ever felt.

Now I am wide awake with another day of work ahead tomorrow. This is just so exhausting. I am tired of it all, I want it to just go away.

I'm really sorry you're having a rough night :( I'm not sure I have much advice but wanted you to know you've been heard.

Can you tell him what you need from him? That you don't need him to say "it's ok" but "I know I caused you this pain, and I'm committed to you now" or something like that?

Those triggers are the worst, aren't they? It can feel like H himself is the trigger.

When he said, "It's OK, it will go away," did he sound like he was trying to be comforting, or dismissive? Maybe in a quiet moment (or in the moment if it happens again), you can tell him how you feel - that it doesn't feel like it will go away, that this is your reality.

Do you trigger when he rubs your shoulders or touches you? Would it feel comforting if, when you trigger, he did that for you instead? Or found some other way to be present with you?

You're not alone.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:30 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

I have those nights too, so hard! I hope you can find something to help, a bath, glass of chocolate milk, watch a movie, something to take your mind off of it for just a minute.
When I have to go to work after a night like that, I try and treat myself the next morning. If you are able to take a short break from work, try something different. Can you promise yourself you will get your favorite drink or pastry? I like to walk around the block at work, look at the flower, take some deep breaths. I try and stay awake at work by giving myself things to look forward to, maybe sitting on a bench and doing some people watching? Going to an antique store at lunchtime?
One more thought for tonight. When have those "I hate you so much" nights, I start writing it all out in the notebook by my bed. I just keep going until it's out. I had no idea I could write jack ass so many times in one day! Write about all your hurt and pain. Just get it out, you can go back and read it later or not. You can decide later.
Good luck! After I write it out, I watch crazy, ridiculous reality shows, somehow gives me a break from my own craziness....