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does anyone ever truly forgive?

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whatnow8 posted 7/11/2013 00:04 AM

I saw part of this quote in someone's siggy. “Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past.”
I started wondering if real forgiveness is ever possible. Has anyone here ever been able to completely trust their ws without any doubt like nothing ever happened? I don't honestly see me ever recovering that level of trust.

MylarPineapples posted 7/11/2013 00:10 AM

I did after my WH's EA (?) in 2008. I actually remember consciously thinking last year, "I am so glad that our marriage is soooo much better now, and that I feel like I can trust WH completely. I am so happy that I can be confident he would never do that to me again."

Unfortunately, my WH chose to betray my trust again. But hopefully your situation will be different.

karmahappens posted 7/11/2013 00:14 AM

I don't honestly see me ever recovering that level of trust.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you will take leave of your senses...

I was able to forgive. I have complete trust in my H. The difference now, I wouldn't ignore the headlights of an oncoming car, KWIM?

The blind trust I gave before was really more like an ostrich...I stuck my head in the sand and ignored the obvious.

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 7/11/2013 00:16 AM

There's a difference in forgiving and being unwise. Forgiveness says I choose to love you and continue our relationship/work on us, despite the past. You can forgive and trust again; the trust will be different, but you can trust again. Being unwise stays with an unremorseful WP, despite their unremorse and continued improper actions/poor boundaries.

whatnow8 posted 7/11/2013 00:26 AM

Unfortunately, my WH chose to betray my trust again. But hopefully your situation will be different
.

Sorry, MP. I'm happy for all of you who have been able to. I found out about my wh back in 2008. And unfortunately my wh has also betrayed my trust again more than once. Not physically, as far as I know, because I'm constantly watching for signs. I mean CONSTANTLY. I'm always on high alert. I don't trust him out alone. But I don't really trust him with me either. I'm constantly scanning for someone or something, watching him closely everywhere we go. I can never just relax and enjoy myself.

[This message edited by whatnow8 at 12:27 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

MylarPineapples posted 7/11/2013 00:53 AM

Sorry, MP. I'm happy for all of you who have been able to. I found out about my wh back in 2008. And unfortunately my wh has also betrayed my trust again more than once. Not physically, as far as I know, because I'm constantly watching for signs. I mean CONSTANTLY. I'm always on high alert. I don't trust him out alone. But I don't really trust him with me either. I'm constantly scanning for someone or something, watching him closely everywhere we go. I can never just relax and enjoy myself.

I'm sorry your WH betrayed your trust again. I am at a point right now where I, too, don't know how I will ever trust my WH again. I am trying to just release the things I cannot control (his actions) and remember that whatever happens, I will ultimately be okay. (((hugs)))

Losttransport posted 7/11/2013 04:28 AM

Do I love my FWH? Yes. Do I forgive him for what he did? No. Not by a long shot. I've read that forgiveness is more for me than him. Maybe so. I just remember how happy I was on March 14, 2012, and then the agony I was in for months after March 15, 2012. I'm sorry, I just can't find it in myself.

aesir posted 7/11/2013 04:52 AM

I started wondering if real forgiveness is ever possible. Has anyone here ever been able to completely trust their ws without any doubt like nothing ever happened?

Real forgiveness is possible. Don't know how to address the complete trust part, but I will try.

I have forgiven my STBXWW. I actually felt bad for her when I heard that the latest POSER had lied to and cheated on her. I even said that if she wanted to come back on SI, I had no intention of outing her or any other malicious crap. Hell, if she wanted to pass herself off in JFO, that was not my concern, as at this point I am not involved in that little triangle.

As far as trust, I trust her to be herself, with all her good qualities, and all her faults, the unaddressed faults in this case mean that she is not a safe partner.

Like most people, my new SO also has a life history. I am aware of more than a few events/incidents in her past that taken on their own would be cause for concern, but I trust her to be herself, and thus conclude that the past is not something I should be concerned about in the future, and that she is a safe partner. I believe the primary difference is one of basic character, and without trying to denigrate or elevate either, one likes to ignore personal issues, while the other feels a need to address them.

I spent enough time looking for, chasing after, hoping for, and being frustrated waiting for R, that I can confidently say that it is not a change in the object of my affections that allows me to feel this way. It is the observation of a substantive difference.

ifinallyfoundme posted 7/11/2013 05:01 AM

Like some have said here, yes u can forgive. I have forgiven but that does not mean I become as someone said unwise. Before, I was mired down in anger, unable to move on and see my future.
Forgiveness has released me from being defined as the woman whose husband slept around and/or the shame associated with it.
I was so filled with all of these negative vibes, it was hard for me to enjoy the good things that were happening to me. I had to let go....and I'm glad I did. It has been a journey and through this the realization God is still in control and understands my pain.
At 55 I look 15 years younger, I am still desirable, and with God's blessing can easily have another 30 healthy years of life.
Not looking back or standing in the corner for the "karma" bus ...everyone reaps what we sow...so I'm sowing the seeds for a good life, not a bitter one.

RedRaven6500 posted 7/11/2013 05:06 AM

I'm a few months shy of the 2 year mark from my DDay, and at this point in time, I still haven't forgiven him. I will never again be able to take what he says to me about anything as 100% truth. There is a shadow on everything he says. If I look at his phone or email account, and there is nothing there, I automatically think, it is because he has become better at hiding what he does. How do I know if he doesn't have secret email accounts? Because he tells me he doesn't ? Well, he also said that he loved me more than anyone, ever; and then turned around for 7 years telling the most despicable lies about me to his multiple OW. I was selfish, mean, a liar, cheater, bad mother, horrible wife, user, pill popper, tried to turn his children against him, used him for his money and status!

Have I always made the right choices in life, no. Have I always been kind, no. Have I blamed him for things gone wrong in our marriage, yes. Have I blamed myself for things gone wrong in our marriage, yes, I have. Have I always been there for him, yes. Have I supported him, yes. Loved him, yes. treated him with respect, yes. Been honest, except for little white lies now and again, Yes I Have. Kept true to my vows, YES I HAVE. I would say I have a pretty good track record. Yet, he began cheating because he "thought I was cheating too"....yeah right. Tell yourself more lies to justify your shit choices. Damn that kind of crap some WS pull pisses me off!

[This message edited by blking at 5:17 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Flatlined123 posted 7/11/2013 05:07 AM

I agree, I think it takes consistent actions on the WS part to earn the trust back.

Then it's not trust given blindly, it's a smarter trust.

It took me a very long time to get to where I could even think I had some trust. I'll always be more aware now. I won't just ignore the signs, if I ever see them again.

LivingALie posted 7/11/2013 05:13 AM

I'm really happy to see this topic because its been on my mind a lot lately.

I'm 3yrs from DD but only 8 months from last broken NC.

Do I forgive him? Honestly, I don't know and I dont think about it much anymore. I'm still angry, I know that- I've probably forgiven him somewhat but not completely.

As for trust - no way. And I don't think forgiveness would mean I automatically trust him. You can have one without the other.

tushnurse posted 7/11/2013 09:58 AM

I think real forgiveness is possible when you are able to truly heal. When does that happen? When you see the changes, feel the changes, and observe the hard work of your WS.

You still feel insecure in his actions, he has obviously given you reason to continue to doubt him. I don't know that I would have been able to forgive in that situation either.

I had a WS that wanted to R, and really got it after about 2months. It still took a solid 2 years to get to the point where I felt healed, and forgave what he did. Like Karma said, I trust too, but I'm not blindly trusting. I will see that trainwreck coming from far down the tracks IF it were to ever happen again.

((((and strength)))

Tred posted 7/11/2013 10:03 AM

I will see that trainwreck coming from far down the tracks IF it were to ever happen again.

I believed that once...I was always confident that I'd know if she was cheating on me. I was wrong. It's not that I don't trust her, I haven't began to trust myself again.

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