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savvy posted 7/11/2013 06:28 AM

How do I get over feeling sooooo alone. I have family. Few friends. My children. But I feel so alone, so much pain. So scared of my future
Please I don't know if I can make it

ninebark posted 7/11/2013 06:41 AM

((savvy))

I know how hard it is when you first have to face building your life on your own all over again. But please trust me when I say it gets better.

Take this time to get to know yourself again. Get into IC, start doing some new things. In my case I took up running, and sewing classes and joined a women's group and a book club. My sister became my biggest ally in healing, dont' be afraid to share your feelings with your family and those that love you.

It has been four years since my DDay and two years since we spearated (just signed our divorce papers this week). Once I got past the pain and the grieving for the death of my marriage, things got so much better for me. I am happier now than I ever have been. So please please please see someone to help you deal with your pain, because with a little help you can get through this and belive it or not there is something better waiting for you on the otherside of all this.

Lalagirl posted 7/11/2013 06:41 AM

((((savvy))))

You can, sweetie...and we're going to be here for you every step of the way. You are not alone - even though we are not with you IRL, you will get immeasurable hugs and support.

I am so sorry you are in such pain.

More in your sitch will be along soon to offer you advice and support.

Please don't give up - you're going to be okay.

Big hugs,

Lala

PhantomLimb posted 7/11/2013 06:50 AM

I can't tell you yet how to get past this-- but I can only tell you that I completely understand your pain. I think "I can't do this" at least 100 times a day. I hope it makes you feel a little better to know that there are others out there in the world who know what you are feeling.

SI and my family and friends are the only things getting me through this. Keep reaching out. Do a good deed for someone else. Get IC. Take it one moment at a time.

Take care of yourself !

savvy posted 7/11/2013 08:00 AM

Thanks everyone. I have been in IC since first d-day

Him making me think we were I heading toward R. I think is making this time worse. It has only been 3 months since first d-day

I miss having that special someone to go to. He was always there for me. Since we were 16 years old. I never known anything else

Celticlass posted 7/11/2013 08:25 AM

Hang in there Savvy. The others are right, the grieving process is very powerful and necessary, albeit painful. You will feel so much better when it is over, it WILL come to an end.

There are 5 stages in the grieving process:
Denial and isolation- this is a temporary stage that helps block the immediate pain of overwhelming emotion.

Anger- this is when the reality begins to re-emerge and it is very normal for these feelings to be very intense. RAGE is a good word to describe this. I could not believe the intensity of the pain and anguish during this stage.

Bargaining- these are the 'if onlys' and it is a very exhausting phase because you end up second guessing every.single.thing that occurred over the course of the relationship. What you need to keep telling yourself is that. The affair has nothing to do with you and nothing you did/didn't do caused this. If your wayward spouse robbed a bank, would you feel responsible for that? Of course not, it's the same principal.

Depression-there is such intense feelings of sadness during this stage. It is important to get some meds, I think many people here have used anti depressants, they are a godsend for the healing process. I found that they took the edge off the intensity of my emotions and. It was such a relief.

Acceptance-once you come out of depression, this is where you begin to feel at peace and even, dare I say it, HOPE! I must confess, it took me a long time to get to this stage. Even though I find myself ins terrible situation, I know that I will eventually get to this stage again.

I wrote these five steps in my journal and it became a beacon for me, a testament that these feelings would not last forever and I could get through this. You will too.

Take the advice of others here on this site, they are very wise. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself and post often when the emotion becomes too much to bear. We stand beside you and are here for you.

(((((Savvy)))))

mysticpenguin posted 7/11/2013 13:30 PM

I'm so sorry (((((Savvy)))))

I am so pissed that he is putting you through this hell.

Do one thing that makes you happy today. Start picking up hobbies & pastimes you put on hold or stepped away from after you met or became committed to Mr. Savvy. Be selfish. Be true and good and gentle to you.

1Faith posted 7/11/2013 14:33 PM

Dear Savvy

You are not alone. You have family, friends, your children and your SI family. We are here.

What you do need is to read our healing links and seek support.

For me writing here and seeing an IC and MC every week made all the difference,

Now you know the real truth and the real healing can begin. What you suspected was eating away at the healing that you worked so hard for, and it also destroyed any trust that might have been developing.

It was your worst fear BUT now that is in the past.

I recommend the healing links and dearpeggy.com

All this learning takes TIME. It is knowledge that you never can imagine needing till you do...

The important thing is now you know the truth.

"Hold your head up. Be Strong. You did Nothing Wrong."

You CAN and WILL make it. We are all here for you.

savvy posted 7/11/2013 15:22 PM

Thank you all

I just want someone to hold me and tell me ill be ok. He was always here for that

1Faith posted 7/11/2013 15:44 PM

Savvy

(((hugs)))

Pray and call your kids. Go for a walk. Move. Don't let his poor choices define you. You are more than his A. You are. You are going to be okay. I promise, you are.

Lalagirl posted 7/12/2013 07:05 AM

((((savvy))))

Just stopping by to give you another hug. How are you doing today,sweetie?

Abbondad posted 7/12/2013 07:34 AM

I just want someone to hold me and tell me ill be ok. He was always here for that.

Savvy,

I am so sorry. Awhile ago someone posted a thread entitled something like "When your tormenter is your comforter." This is a unique dimension of our pain, and one that I myself find especially difficult to deal with.

My STBXWW was my nurturer, my best friend, my comforter. It is disorienting and awful that the very person whom I and you want to seek reassurance from is the very person who has caused this pain.

I want to run to her and tell her of this terrible person who has wrought such damage upon me and find solace in her arms, as I always did. But it is her. She did this. It's like a nightmare scenario: you look up from the arms that enfold you, and find yourself looking into the eyes of the monster himself.

This is a classic component of an abusive relationship, I believe, physically or in our case, emotionally:

The abused desires comfort from the abuser. The abuser offers solace (hope and the possibility of reconciliation) and the abused, feeling momentary comfort, loses herself in the momentary pleasure of the comfort--though it is a cruel illusion. And then the comforter becomes the abuser again, and the cycle continues.

The cycle eventually stops not when the abuser changes but when the abused, unable to absorb any more blows, stands up and walks away. It is an excruciating "tearing away," but it is necessary for healing.

Again, I am going through the same thing, so you are not alone. Be strong and keep heading away from him. He is the bringer of pain. This is one of my mantras when I feel myself weaken: "She brings me pain, she brings me pain..."

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:38 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 7/12/2013 07:48 AM

Savvy,

It is hard when all you have know is being with someone. But it is such an opportunity. YOU can do what you want where you want,how you want with no worries about him. Reach out to old friends, go to lunch. Hit the local library, check the bulletin board, find a book club, or other interesting group to join.
Start a hobby you have always wanted to try (for me it was beekeeping, now it is a business cha-ching)(for MIL it was Stained Glass, and she has amazing pieces, and had a business teaching for about 15 years).
The point is you are still young, and you get to do whatever you want. Embrace this.
This is your time to flower, and become an amazing, person.

((((and strength)))

savvy posted 7/12/2013 09:41 AM

Thank you all. I always know I can count on you all.

I am struggling with not giving another chance. You know when you really believe you were meant to be together.

I know it will be a long struggle either way

I can't explain or understand my feelings. I'm so confused by this whole situation

unwound posted 7/12/2013 10:14 AM

I know the feeling. Alone even when in a group. ((((savvy))))

SeanFLA posted 7/12/2013 12:30 PM

I remember that raw feeling. It was two and a half years ago but feels like yesterday. I still get that feeling but it's not as harsh anymore. There is no easy way to accept it. There is no easy way through it BUT straight through it. Somehow most of us have found our way. Most of us are still finding it. You will find out strong things about yourself you never knew you possessed. You will also find out weak things about yourself you never knew could effect you. But the hardest part is getting comfortable with yourself. And becoming indifferent to them and their actions. That crummy word again...time.

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