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Faithful w/Love posted 7/11/2013 08:21 AM

We are seperated as many know. It will be a year in Aug.
My questions is "don't you think my H would know what he wants by now"?

I am about ready to pull the plug! Yes, we are together almost everyday, yes we get along great. But his words don't match those actions and that scares me. I know we are suppose to go by actions but him I have to go by words in some aspects. Yes, he loves me (in his own strange way)but when you tell me that you would like to have the option of dating someone else or saying this is not going to work but then says "stay positive FWL, I am trying to figure it out".

I am tired of being the adult here, I want stablity and maturness. I want love not a questionable love. I want a man not a manchild.
When I tell him that something bothers me I get "I don't know what to tell ya". Ummmm, How about some resurrance and empathy for how I might feel this way.

I have my answers I just don't get these type of people. What the hell are they looking for? Its a damn shame when someone good is right in front of them and they don't see it.

Just venting really. No 2x4's... I am writing here and getting out some fustration. And please don't feel I lay down and take this. I speak up (finally) and put my boundraies into place should he date someone again. That is a deal breaker this time.

Tred posted 7/11/2013 08:24 AM


Out of curiosity, do you have any milestones or requirements that he is aware of for you to make a decision one way or the other? What are you working towards that can be measured?

wanttogoforward posted 7/11/2013 08:26 AM

Why wait for him to make the decision? If you are ready to move on and get some stability in your life again then tell him it's time... (the phrase shit or get off the pot comes to mind here... LOL)...

Either he moves forward with you or you are filing and moving on without him for yourself.... Maybe you have outgrown him.... maybe his A was a dealbreaker and you needed this year to realize it fully and put your head into being able to go forward and find a man who will be a mature grown up and love you for who you are...

Threnody posted 7/11/2013 08:26 AM

Do you get the sense he doesn't care or is apathetic? Or do you think he's paralyzed by fear?

Since it's been a year, I think you're within your rights with him to demand couples counseling. If he balks, well, there's part of your answer. It means he doesn't want to do the hard work. And let's face it, right now he's not doing any work at all.

If he's on board with counseling, the answer is probably that he's fearful. Anything from "what if I screw up again?" to "I know I need to change but don't know how."

I'd start by giving him an ultimatum about counseling. At any rate, you're going to need it for yourself because what is happening now is going to suck the life right out of you.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/11/2013 08:36 AM

He's doing to you what I did to my BW in many ways. That finally changed for me when I found out about he exit plan. Until I saw the end of that rope, nothing was going to change and I would have kept stringing her along.

You have to finally decide to do it for you.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/11/2013 08:36 AM

Very true, I get the feeling that he is scared. He is scared of us fighting. But, my gut says he is scared that it may happen again, that maybe starting with someone new he would not have to face what he did. I also think deep down he is scared as hell of losing me, but wants to control everything that happens. When he gets close to me again, I notice he pulls back, he does not know how to express feelings.
He says " I know that I am blessed with what I have and God is waiting for me to take what he blessed me with" but then he goes on to say something else. And it is also like he wants my permission to date and that we remain friendly.

I don't get men of this thinking.

I don't cut and run from my problems, and until I know I am 100% ready to move on with no doubt in my mind, I will try everything.

And I will bring up the counseling. I have not done that for awhile.

Tred posted 7/11/2013 08:37 AM

It sounds like he isn't sure that he wants you, but is sure he doesn't want anyone else to have you.

MovingUpward posted 7/11/2013 08:39 AM

"stay positive FWL, I am trying to figure it out"

Ask yourself, what actions is he taking to help figure it out? See if this is true or if it is a way to placate you.

What the hell are they looking for?

I think that many who claim this are really trying to figure out how to continue to have it all. If he is conflict avoidant then he might be "running away" from addressing the issue for as long as he can get away with it.

What are you doing to help yourself sort through these conflicting messages? Have you been talking to an IC or family? Reach out her or IC or family or friends to keep yourself grounded. I feel that you have a pretty good view of the situation. I also know that when someone presses on an ultimatum that it can be tough to go through with it when one isn't completely ready.

Keep venting and reaching out. Hoping that your H will come around.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/11/2013 08:48 AM

Were you and your wife seperated? Did you try to make that an excuse to date or do what you may want to do knowing it would upset her?
What did she do for her exit plan?

I am trying to handle this without overreacting and sounding like a jealouse woman but it does hurt to hear him talk about dating, like I am not worth the work or any of that.

And so he is stringing me along... why?

I call him on that and he says he is not, and that he doesn't want me to feel that he is using me or anything like that... I just think to myself "who says this shit to their wife"? I am his wife and I feel like I am in the dark.

thenon-goddess posted 7/11/2013 08:48 AM

I have my answers I just don't get these type of people. What the hell are they looking for?

Why are you worried about what HE is looking for? How about what YOU are looking for? From what you are describing, I'm not sure what you're getting out of being with him. He is a manchild and what you would say is his live for you, I would say us him giving you just enough to keep you on the hook while he keeps his options open.

I think you're being ready to pull the plug is a good thing. You need a list of what you get out of the relationship vs what you put in. It sounds like the scales are tipped in his favor. Don't focus on what could be, focus in what is.

simplydevastated posted 7/11/2013 08:52 AM

when you tell me that you would like to have the option of dating someone else or saying this is not going to work but then says "stay positive FWL, I am trying to figure it out".

He can't have it both ways. This feels like he's stringing you along. Is he trying to figure all out while he's seeing someone else? Is your separation a legal separation or is it something the two of you just agreed upon? You could always file, have him served the paperwork and see where it goes from there. You can always stop the divorce if he wakes up and starts showing you he wants to be with only you.

Good luck on your decision


Faithful w/Love posted 7/11/2013 09:03 AM

Well, I texted him that I was uncomfortable about him going out lastnight.

I said "I still get knots in my stomach".

Him: Idk what to tell ya.

me: How about some resurrance that I don't have to worry and that you can see why I would after everything I have been thru and what you said about dating.

him: I can see that

me:So do I need to worry?

him: FWL, I don't feel we need to explain ourselves.

me:You just said it. Keep your secret and private life. Why explain to your wife and one you say you love...hell Idk..maybe because that is what ppl do?

me: I don't this type of relationship. To many secrets on your side and privacy kept from me for us to ever make it.

him: thats what I was just thinking. you will always have doubts

me: I have doubts cause of the things you say about dating and because I get conflicted messages from you. You don't know what hell you want and you sure don't want to do the work to have us back in a healty relationship. I don't feel you want me just scared to lose me all the way.

me: I feel we just need to stop here. Until you know what you want for sure we will never be able to move forward. Its been a year and you still don't know. that tells me alot.

He has not texted back.

help me Lord. I am so tired and feel so weak.

I am starting to feel that feeling I use to when I pushed to far. You know when they make it out to be you?

Faithful w/Love posted 7/11/2013 09:12 AM

Yes in my opinion he has been stringing me along. The push pull. He doesn't know what he wants otherwise a man would move mountians to keep the woman he loved.

He is trying to have his freedom and me. He likes sleeping alone now and having his space from me when he wants it. He like the balchor life I think.

If we spend to much time together I do notice he starts getting an additude and needs space. And I let him have the space... shit I don't want to be around him when he is moody. It is like walking on eggshells.

Look I know the only way we will make it is if he is willing to wake up. I just am venting and getting my feelings out that are bottled up in me. I want my H and my marriage but I also know that it will not work like this. I need my partner to do the work also. And he is not willing to do it.

I truly feel he feels that if he starts fresh with someone else he can take all that he has learned and treat that person better.. or at least that is what he told me. He doesn't want to put that into us because we have to much history.

tushnurse posted 7/11/2013 09:16 AM

It sounds like you have really tried your best to R. However it takes both of you to do this successfully. If him dating is not acceptable, then why is he even allowed to consider it?

YOU deserve so much more. Until you demand it, you won't get it.

YOU did NOT push too far...telling your spouse that you expect to have a transparent relationship, and that you are concerned about him dating, is not pushing. It IS what most of us expect in our relationships.

Life is short, is it worth your happiness to live in this limbo land? I'm not trying to be harsh here, just saying that you deserve oh so much more.

(((and strength)))

simplydevastated posted 7/11/2013 09:27 AM

From the sounds of your text conversation I'd say he made his decision. He wants to do whatever he wants and not "check-in" with you. He can't have it both ways, either he's married and faithful or he's not. It almost sounds like he wants you to file so he can play the victim role and say "I did everything I could and FWL still filed for divorce." He doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and file first. I'm not saying that is definitely the case here, but that's just what it sounds like to me.

No 2x4's here. I'm sorry you're going through all this. You deserve to be happy.

Dawn58 posted 7/11/2013 09:42 AM

Hi Faithful!

Oh, I feel your pain. It sure sounds like he is on the fence and you are in limbo. Not a good feeling.

All I know is that I had to look at his actions, not his words. He would tell me that he had not made a decision, but his actions told me his decision was made. None of his actions spoke of a reconciliation. When I offered to go to therapy, no answer. He continued to see the other woman and I got the phone calls blaming me for the end of the marriage, the crazy accusations, the anger and the rage.

I took control of my life, talked to an attorney and served him with papers. NOT what I wanted, not by a long shot. Very painful to let go of the dream, but I had to be honest with myself.

No two by fours here, just sharing my experience. You will know what to do and you will have the support of everyone here.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/11/2013 09:48 AM

It is like speaking to a wall. He just said " I step out to have a beer and you get butterfly's and we are not even living together.

I told him " Him going out to have a beer is not the issuse and it NEVER has been, the doubts come from what he says to me about other woman". How can he not see that??

No, he doesn't want to be 100% in. I know this! And it pisses me off! He is 50% in (his words) and trying to figure himself out!
Really what has he figured out? Shit I don't know. Just because he is not in an A doesn't mean he working it out. It means he is happy floating through life this way.

Maybe he does want me to file first so he doesn't look like the bad guy.. I don't know. But, I do know that he uses excuses like our fighting and my doubts to not want to be in the relationship.

I know it is not my fault. I know this but it is so fustrating to see this man compare to the one I knew before. It does not mean that I don't love him with all my being.
What it means is time to give up and let him be and do him.

I know I am worth so much more but it hurts when I am not worth it to him.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/11/2013 09:52 AM

Thank you all so much for your support and wisdom.

Its like if I keep my mouth shut we are fine just floating along but that is not a marriage.

He is on the fence. I know that. And if I file it will be my fault. He tired so hard blah blah blah....

Getting to Happy posted 7/11/2013 10:24 AM

I truly feel he feels that if he starts fresh with someone else he can take all that he has learned and treat that person better.. or at least that is what he told me.

The notion that he will take what he learns from this relationship and treat the next person better is his delusional unicorn fart-speak.

He talks in circles on purpose to keep you off balance. There is never a logical answer, just more excuses why he cannot be transparent and true.

And believe me, wherever he goes, there he will be...the same ol' sneaky, lying cheater. You wont be missing a thing!

Faithful, you deserve so much more in life.

He is making up new rules to an age old institution: Marriage. Loving fidelity is written into the vows. He cannot unilaterally change the structure of the partnership and no amount of blameshifting or gaslighting is going to make this crap sandwich taste any better.

Please protect you heart and sanity. You know what he is offering is out of bounds of the marriage covenant.

It sounds like your awakening has begun.

There is a big beautiful world out there Faithful. Your journey may begin in painful darkness but sooner than you think you will be basking in the healing rays of light and love.

Give yourself a chance.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/11/2013 10:44 AM

Thank you! I never thought of it that way. I mean "give yourself a chance".

Wow, I have been giving him the chance after chance and overlooking of giving myself the chance. Thank you

I keep asking myself why am I so scared to cut the cord? I don't have a answer yet that fully makes me feel like I can. And if I was on the outside looking in I would be like "FTG". I don't what the pull is but I feel I am getting closer to my answer.

Some of it is that I keep thinking how he will be everything he is not to me. I keep thinking of someone else having the only man I have truly loved, the man of my kids, and it comes to jelousy I think? I don't want someone else to have what was suppose to be mine. Taking what I worked for.

Then I think, he is ready (so it seems with words) to replace me because I must be the problem. The marriage must be the problem, and if he gets rid of those then he can shine his light on someone else. It makes me feel worthless to him. I know I am not but when the one you love and the one that you took vows to does that it does something to you. And you fight to find out why. URRGGGHHHH.

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