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Newest Member: Artarmon2064 (45754)

User Topic: Reflections
ShockedAndHurt
♀ 36657
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it has been 11 months since DDay1 and I'm feeling very down. I thought it might help me to post some of my thoughts here as I approach the 1 year mark.

We separated in March, though in my heart I was ready before Christmas, it just took DDay2 to give me the kick up the arse that I needed to break the inertia.

I find myself overwhelmed with the disbelief that I never really knew this man. His infidelity stretches back at least 5 years, that's what I have proof of, but I am certain it goes back almost to the start of our relationship. He was living a double life and I wonder now how on earth I was so blind to it for so long. He must be a really skilled manipulator for me to not even be able to look back and see it now that I know what to look for. I'm finding it very difficult to accept that I will never know the whole truth. He has proven himself incapable of telling me the truth even when I insist upon it, TT was like peeling layers off an onion, it just went on and on and now I know not to bother asking questions or confronting him with new evidence. But my search for the truth keeps resurfacing. Every couple of months I go digging again to see what else I can find. I'm rewriting history, I'm compelled even though it hurts like hell and at this point isn't going to change anything as I am committed to the separation and am ready to divorce.

I am so hurt and angry still. How could he do this and say he loved me? He has ruined my life and stolen so much of my time, energy and love. I never imagined I would be a single mum, struggling to get by. This isn't the life I chose for myself and my children and I strongly resent being forced down this path. How will I earn a living and care for my little boys?

How will I ever trust again? After being so thoroughly wrong about someone. How can I trust my own judgement now? How can I trust that future partners won't do the same?

In some ways I feel just as shocked and hurt as the day I joined this site. I know time will heal this eventually, and in some ways it is getting better. The TT has made it worse as each new revelation set me back to day one, or even further back. I see where I want to be in 5 years time, I just can't stand the pain in the mean time.

So, these are my reflections. Any words of support or encouragement will be gratefully received.

[This message edited by ShockedAndHurt at 8:46 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I trust that future partners won't do the same?

Right now, you can't. That's why it would be healthy to not go there in your thoughts right now. You have quite enough to process about the past without obsessing about the future.

A year out is *very* raw. In our cases, with the multiple offences and so many unknowns, it's only natural to feel like you've just been thrown off the crazy train and you're face down in the gravel by the side of the track.

After I decided to divorce, I continued to receive information from the keylogger, and what it fed me was absolutely astounding.

The body count and the ugliness of those involved simply blew me away, and I had absolutely no idea.

It's a special kind of hell they put us in when they do that to us.

Big hugs. I know you don't want to hear it but it's going to take awhile to process it all.

The trick is to plan nice things to do for yourself. Short getaways to beautiful places, yoga classes, meditation music, creating peaceful spots in your home to just sit with and process the emotions.

Get and read two books:

Journey from Abandonment to Healing and The Power of Now.

Big hugs. Keep posting.

ETA: If you are a SAHM you should be getting court orders for CS and some spousal support while you get some training for employment.

Get proactive and start researching/networking about career possibilities. It's never too late to go back to school.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:52 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17712 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
tryingagain74
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ShockedAndHurt)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3645 | Registered: Oct 2011
ShockedAndHurt
♀ 36657
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you faith fool. I don't need court orders, my ex is very willingly paying maintenance and most of my bills ATM while we sort out and untangle our finances. The CSA here in the UK is brutal, if we did come to a point where we didn't have an amicable financial arrangement the authorities would take over a third of his salary to give to me. He is currently giving me more than that but obviously I want to be independent from him, with just reasonable maintenance payments from him.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((shockedandhurt)))

Journey from Abandonment to Healing was a big help for me as well. It helped me understand why I was thinking the things I was and how to work on moving beyond them.

Everyone differs on their path of healing. But it seems like the more you can put the focus on you and your children, the bigger strides you make.

That said, you are only a year out...not even. And recovery takes time. Be kind to yourself and keep posting.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4745 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
NewMom0220
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so hurt and angry still. How could he do this and say he loved me? He has ruined my life and stolen so much of my time, energy and love. I never imagined I would be a single mum, struggling to get by. This isn't the life I chose for myself and my children and I strongly resent being forced down this path

I know exactly how you feel about this and also about never knowing the truth. I think you have to tell yourself that you know enough to know that this isn't the kind of relationship you want or need. My friend keeps reminding me, "he isn't going to give you what you and DS need." Unless what you need is a cheating, lying, manipulative POS. I don't think that's what you want for the long term.

You are young and you can't ever unknow what you know now. I'm guilty of the same things...trusting in someone, believing in someone, then finding out they aren't who they said they were. My only consolation is that no one else around me saw it either. I wasn't the only one he fooled.

I'm grossed out by the fact that my WS did this while I was pregnant and he hasn't lived with me or DS since the baby was born, but he wasn't really here anyway in those first few weeks. Mentally he was somewhere else.

So one of the things that gives me hope is that there are good people out there and my dreams of a family might be dead with him, but they aren't dead forever. I'm just a little wiser now.

I was so trusting....but whoever comes next will have to understand that lies are not tolerated.

Remember, he isn't the last coca cola in the desert. You will find love again. You will have a family. The universe is doing you a huge favor.

I HATE TT...I never got any of my questions answered. I never even got a sincere I Love You out of my WS. I guess it doesn't matter if they say they love you or if they don't. If they aren't capable of loving themselves, they aren't ever gonna love anyone else the right way.


(((ShockedAndHurt)))


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 378 | Registered: Apr 2013
ShockedAndHurt
♀ 36657
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you newmom. Hugs to you too. My WH cheated during both my pregnancies and the early months of DS2's life. That betrayal cuts so, so deep.

I tell myself I know enough to make an informed decision, but somehow it doesn't always stop me from looking. :/


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
ShockedAndHurt
♀ 36657
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and yes, I also have the benefit of not being the only one he fooled. Everyone has been utterly shocked by the truth, his family and friends included. He really had us all fooled :/


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 8

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