I know you think he should know what to do on his own. I feel my wife needs to know what to do on her own...what is the right thing to do.
In MC our C focuses on what we need from each other and expressing those needs in a kind way.
This is how I know what you are feeling. As a BS we feel our WS need to step up and figure things out. Read as many books as we are, double their IC sessions, share their journey to recovery...etc..
The thing is most of the time I don't think WS have that natural turn inside them. To start to change that inside them is painful...and WS have already displayed what they do when faced with a painful situation...they turn away from it, tuck it away, tell themselves it is not that big of a deal, and a myriad of other lies to deal with uncomfortable relationship issues. This, I believe, is one reason they choose to have an A...to do otherwise would be to have to take a more painful path. But ultimately LESS painful then the A has turned out to be...
But here is the rub...while BS are not perfect I would venture to say that at least with regards to our relationships we are more skilled at recognizing that which is broken and expressing those parts that need addressing to our spouses. We are far from perfect at this, but we are stronger then our WS have been.
And it is tough to also remember this fact...our WS are dealing with pain too...pain in addition to this new pressure to be honest. They have pain over seeing their BS in pain, may have left over pain over the loss of the affair (yes, this sucks but their is some truth here), pain that the future looks so bleak...so just because they had their fun doesn't mean they have actually benefited from it...they are paying a price too.
So we have a choice....we can build on a skill that we at least have a partial foundation to build from or we can follow our spouses lead down a path they are not particularly good at walking down.
Our past two MC sessions have stalled out. As I think about it I believe one of the main reasons is me...my anger, my vulnerability, my weakness to face some sort of truth is keeping us static.
I mention this to point out that while I believe BS are stronger at NOT running from our problems, I still have issues facing all of them directly.
I could be off on this...perhaps their is another reason for our static state...but our C is pushing me hard to lean into something here....
If you can, find the courage to request (not demand) that your husband refrain from going on this bachelor party trip. He may not feel pressured or controlled...he may actually be really grateful to have a tangible way to prove his love for you and his desire to win your heart back...a heart that he broke.
IMHO, it almost seems that your husband is asking you to confirm something he already knows here...but he lacks the courage to take that step without some support from you. Is it fair that he is asking this of you...no way! But I don't think marriage is about fairness and keeping score...it is about working together.
Man, it sounds like I have something figured out here...and I tell you I wrestle with this something fierce....being a man I want to step up and protect my family...but then I see the pain that my wife invited into it and it is scary to engage her in the ways I just advised you to do. Any wonder I am NOT a counselor?!?!
God be with you today...always really...but particularly today.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:53 AM, July 12th (Friday)]