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online chats and an old flame

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ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/11/2013 12:14 PM

I am so glad I found this site. I have been wanting to pour my heart out somewhere. The few ppl I have spoken to seem to turn it around and say that everything is my fault. I do not believe for what happened in my marriage at all.
The short version: My husband and I have had a very rough 16 years. We have been homeless 2x, we have had a child die, he had cancer, multiple unemployments etc...So to his benefit--perhaps all this is due to stress.

jumping to the point: an old flame contacted him via email. I saw it and flipped out. he promised me he would never talk to her again. Lie. he continued to talk all along to her for over 4 years. Last November, I found out there were emails...I only thought here was one or 2 emails...I cried for days and he says to me that he will never contact her again. My Thanksgiving was ruined. He lied--well he kept on. Then I saw another text from her at Christmas. It just said Merry Christmas...he said that was all there was ...Lie. he was talking to her all along. My Christmas was ruined. Then again on Newyears...ruined. guess what..he promised me he would never contact her again. Lie. never stopped. I found out again over Easter...ruined my easter. Then again on our 16th wedding day before I found an email. I am so dumb that I never thought to check the phone records because I BELIEVED him every.single.time. DUMB! I am so dumb and feel like a piece of crap for believeing him multiple times. There were records going back years and he was texting her and calling her nonstop the whole time. According to him it was "just talking". He refuses to admit the significance of it. He refused to admit he lied to me multiple times. He had created about 50 fake emails to email her from...She said she wanted"closure" was the reason she contacted. Bull. Closure was us getting married and her getting married to her spouse. She has kids. We have 7 children together. the phoen calls were what should have been family time like dinner hours, getting the babies to bed etc...

he fails to see the significance of this.

I had contacted her nicely in Novemeber and said in a text nicely, "Please stop contacting my husband" and she kept on. Then in December I also contated her in DEcember nicely...please stop... then in January I sent her a not nice email saying I would call her husband etc...she still didn't care. Then I saw the email afterwards that said, oh how sorry he was that his wife reacted that way and she was just "jealous of what they had together".

the emails wer nothing but loveletters. they were not just ohhh how are you. they were "lets run away together" "i want to have a baby with you" things like that.

In addition...he goes on online forums and chats up other women. One woman I found out he exchanged 169 texts last month with, yet he deleted all them and thought I would never find out.

became suspicious a few months ago of what he was doing and pretended I was asleep and saw that he was talking to these women in ways that are inappropriate. One woman he offered money to. Despite the fact that we are nearly homeless again and we have 7 children and he has never bought me anything ever.

I also figured out where he was going online, followed him online and asked him anonymous questions...I asked if he was married and he told me NO. So I know he poses as a single man.

I am tired of all this.

I just want what I was promised. a faithful husband.

Crushed1 posted 7/11/2013 12:43 PM

Hi, welcome to SI, you will find hope, comfort, and a ton of support here. I am sorry for your pain, it sounds like you have had a rough go of things for quite a while, which is more stress upon stress.

You should contact the woman's spouse and let him know what's going on behind his back!!! Don't let your H or her know that you're going to do this, as that will give them a chance to make up a story to cover themselves. If you have incriminating emails, copy them off and forward them to her husband, as he's being betrayed also.

NONE of this is your fault! Don't accept any blame for what your H and this woman are doing, that is ALL on them.

Your husband has to realize that HE has serious issues and that HE needs to resolve them and work on himself. You cannot do it for him, the change has to come from within him. Is counseling an option for you both or for him?

She said she wanted"closure" was the reason she contacted. Bull. Closure was us getting married and her getting married to her spouse.[/quote]

You got that right on!

(((ionlytalkedtoher))) Hugs, keep posting and reading. Incidentally, the Healing Library (link in the yellow box in the upper left corner of the screen) has very helpful articles which may be for your benefit.

1Faith posted 7/11/2013 14:42 PM

So sorry you are here and for all the heartache you have had.

Welcome to SI friend. This is a place of great comfort, advice and care.

We have all been there and we know first hand the pain you feel. We are sorry.

You husband has to want to be faithful. You can't guilt him, love him or make him be faithful. He controls himself.

Is IC an option? He needs to figure out why he continues to chooses to cheat and lie? He has to do a deep dive on what allows him to justify his behavior.

I agree, you need to contact the OW's spouse. He deserves to know.

Your husband needs to read the book "Not Just Friends" to understand that he is stepping outside his marriage and how hurtful this is to you.

Have you confronted him with you online chats?

I am sorry you are here but you are not alone.

7 children, my you are busy too.

You deserve better and you know it. Don't allow him to treat you this way.

Good luck. We are here.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/11/2013 16:43 PM

thanks for your replies. For the first time I fee like I am not alone since I came here to read of others struggles.

I did not tell my husband that I posed as a single woman online to see what he was up to. For one thing, I would prefer to keep the username and identity to check on him to see what he is doing if he goes back there. I no longer have any trust in him and I just feel it gives me some control.

That's what I have been realizing in the last few months that I do not have any control. I have copied and pasted all the emails I have found and I have another email that he does not know about. I keep all my stuff there. I also have a timeline of days and times and wheat and when happened. All of this gives me an illusion of control that I can keep going back to and looking back on when I want and using as I want. Maybe it's crazy but I am sure you all know here the sense of helplessness we have now come to.

I guess I am keeping it in case that I ever do decide on a divorce and an annulment and I will have evidence. They don't give you annulments unless you have a lot of information.

But that is not what i want any way...I just want it all to stop and my husband to be the man he was.

Sounds stupid but I do believe he "loves" me but is somehow addicted to this. He is an addictive personality and goes form one addictive thing to another. I don't know if he is capable of stopping. So I guess I have to decide if he isn't capable of stopping do I still want to live this way?

For me I haven't come to that point to know that I want to leave. I am still in the I wish it could change phase.

Another reason I am putting up with all this is the kids. Yes, I have 7. I can't do this alone! I know ppl that can't handle one kid alone and I for certain feel that I can't handle 7 kids alone at this point in my life. 2 of my sons have autism and they depend on my husband to be there. if you change an autistic child's schedule they get out of whack for a long time. When we had to move multiple times it severly affected my boys and honestly took years for them to recover due to their autism. If my husband leaves...they will have a severely difficult time. Please don't think I deserve this then...or its my choice to be abused etc...No. i don't see it that way. I see it as my husband needs to stop and be the father he promised to be. Mostly it was HIM that wanted all these kids. I was using birth control for the last 2 and it did not work....if he wants them he needs to man up and be a dad and be THERE for them.

We had the converstaion last weekend about the online women and how it hurts me> He promised me he would never talk to them again and he would not give anyone money. he said that particular woman thinks he is rich (because he lied to her) and keeps asking him for money. So I said...Ok to get out of this situation you need to delete your account and not ever go there again.

Well...he lasted one night. The next night he was talking to the same woman who wanted money because he left the chat up when he fell asleep. Then last night again he was on this forum again. Obviously he has no desire to delete it.

As far as the other woman/old flame...I went and blocked all her ability to communicate with him. I blocked her facebook, I blocked her phones #, I blocked all her emails. But why didn't he do it???? Why did I have to? So, in my opinion there is nothing stopping him from calling him from another phone number or creating another email address. the thing that most bothers me about her when I think about it...the last baby I had, when I was pg...he was tetxing/calling her the whole time. My baby was born at 9:30 and he was back on the phone with her at 11. How dare he call her after I gave birth to his baby???? then the whole time in the hospital...the whole time postpartum at home when he should have been helping me with the 7 kids and new baby. If I remember correctly, he went upstairs to chat with her while I cleaned the whole house as soon as I got home with the baby.

Obviously I have a lot of anger that i need to express. yes I want a couselor but he said..."oh dont call a counselor I don't want a record of this" what the crap??? First off they have patients rights and they can't leak out your info and second TOO BAD.

I am sorry for the ramble. I am sure you all think I am stupid for not leaving. And also about that...where would I go with 7 kids? I have been homeless 2x already like I said. Its NO fun. Its not easy with kids. I have no family to take me in. They already did (3 separate families) and said I can't come back. I have no bank account of my job.

yes, I sound pathetic. pathetic for putting up with crap...pathetic for loving him

lamplighter posted 7/11/2013 16:49 PM

Get a new counselor! I am not sure I understand the situation with your counselor, but that is not a normal thing for any therapist to say.

I feel for you - my husband is currently having an online EA. It's heartbreaking.

I also understanding wanting to keep the evidence in case you "need it" for something, if only to remind yourself that you aren't crazy for being so sad and hurt, and to not let him manipulate you or convince you that you saw something different.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/11/2013 18:06 PM

No, he said that not the counselor.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/11/2013 23:13 PM

But I am struggling with i even bother writing out my thoughts to this OW that he lied to me about for 4 years. she knew we were married. knew we had 7 kids. Didn't care. I just don't understand that. I want to write to her a long long letter and tell her how I feel...but that probably won't do any good and just be a can of worms. Plus she will probably immediately call him and that will start it all over again. what did others do? was it worth it to email her? Like I said, he may never know though because I blocked all her email addresses and all her phone numbers unless she calls or mails from another number/address. I guess i really want to just tell her off.

Someone asked about me confronting the OH...well, I don't know how to contact him.

Crushed1 posted 7/12/2013 00:10 AM

There have been hundreds of women here who have poured their pain and sorrow out to the ow to no avail, so I would NOT contact her or send her anything, she won't feel your pain nor understand it, because as you said...

"she knew we were married. knew we had 7 kids. Didn't care."

She didn't and doesn't care so don't bother with her! Contact her husband if you can find a way to do so. You'll be doing him a kindness and he will provide another set of eyes and ears on his end.

Before you can begin to have even a drop of trust or hope of reconciliation with your H, he must become an open book to you and you alone! Those who have nothing to hide will hide nothing. He should give you all access and passwords to any accounts he has for starters. Until he's willing to be accountable I'm afraid you're just blowing in the wind.

I am really sorry for your pain and I wish you the best as you struggle with this mess he has created. ((((iotth)))).

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