thanks for your replies. For the first time I fee like I am not alone since I came here to read of others struggles.
I did not tell my husband that I posed as a single woman online to see what he was up to. For one thing, I would prefer to keep the username and identity to check on him to see what he is doing if he goes back there. I no longer have any trust in him and I just feel it gives me some control.
That's what I have been realizing in the last few months that I do not have any control. I have copied and pasted all the emails I have found and I have another email that he does not know about. I keep all my stuff there. I also have a timeline of days and times and wheat and when happened. All of this gives me an illusion of control that I can keep going back to and looking back on when I want and using as I want. Maybe it's crazy but I am sure you all know here the sense of helplessness we have now come to.
I guess I am keeping it in case that I ever do decide on a divorce and an annulment and I will have evidence. They don't give you annulments unless you have a lot of information.
But that is not what i want any way...I just want it all to stop and my husband to be the man he was.
Sounds stupid but I do believe he "loves" me but is somehow addicted to this. He is an addictive personality and goes form one addictive thing to another. I don't know if he is capable of stopping. So I guess I have to decide if he isn't capable of stopping do I still want to live this way?
For me I haven't come to that point to know that I want to leave. I am still in the I wish it could change phase.
Another reason I am putting up with all this is the kids. Yes, I have 7. I can't do this alone! I know ppl that can't handle one kid alone and I for certain feel that I can't handle 7 kids alone at this point in my life. 2 of my sons have autism and they depend on my husband to be there. if you change an autistic child's schedule they get out of whack for a long time. When we had to move multiple times it severly affected my boys and honestly took years for them to recover due to their autism. If my husband leaves...they will have a severely difficult time. Please don't think I deserve this then...or its my choice to be abused etc...No. i don't see it that way. I see it as my husband needs to stop and be the father he promised to be. Mostly it was HIM that wanted all these kids. I was using birth control for the last 2 and it did not work....if he wants them he needs to man up and be a dad and be THERE for them.
We had the converstaion last weekend about the online women and how it hurts me> He promised me he would never talk to them again and he would not give anyone money. he said that particular woman thinks he is rich (because he lied to her) and keeps asking him for money. So I said...Ok to get out of this situation you need to delete your account and not ever go there again.
Well...he lasted one night. The next night he was talking to the same woman who wanted money because he left the chat up when he fell asleep. Then last night again he was on this forum again. Obviously he has no desire to delete it.
As far as the other woman/old flame...I went and blocked all her ability to communicate with him. I blocked her facebook, I blocked her phones #, I blocked all her emails. But why didn't he do it???? Why did I have to? So, in my opinion there is nothing stopping him from calling him from another phone number or creating another email address. the thing that most bothers me about her when I think about it...the last baby I had, when I was pg...he was tetxing/calling her the whole time. My baby was born at 9:30 and he was back on the phone with her at 11. How dare he call her after I gave birth to his baby???? then the whole time in the hospital...the whole time postpartum at home when he should have been helping me with the 7 kids and new baby. If I remember correctly, he went upstairs to chat with her while I cleaned the whole house as soon as I got home with the baby.
Obviously I have a lot of anger that i need to express. yes I want a couselor but he said..."oh dont call a counselor I don't want a record of this" what the crap??? First off they have patients rights and they can't leak out your info and second TOO BAD.
I am sorry for the ramble. I am sure you all think I am stupid for not leaving. And also about that...where would I go with 7 kids? I have been homeless 2x already like I said. Its NO fun. Its not easy with kids. I have no family to take me in. They already did (3 separate families) and said I can't come back. I have no car...no bank account of my own....no job.
yes, I sound pathetic. pathetic for putting up with crap...pathetic for loving him