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Multidating leads to game playing

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OnceInALifetime posted 7/11/2013 13:16 PM

Well, maybe "strategizing" is a more correct term.

I've switched dating sites, and for reasons I cannot fathom I'm generating more interest.

Now I find myself in the situation of having had two dates with two different women. One is clearly interested in me. I'm kind of lukewarm, but could imagine something possibly growing there (oh please, get your minds out of the gutter!). I'm more interested in the other woman, but her level of interest in me isn't so clear.

So here I am, finding that I'm waiting to respond to the first woman until I hear back from the second woman. And now I get a message from a third woman who also seems appealing.

The temptation to hold back on quick responses in order to explore another potential option is pretty strong. I can see why people are sometimes slow to respond or say they are busy a ways into the future; they might be wanting to give other opportunities a chance. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that's what's going on with the woman I'm more interested in.

Maybe I should just go ahead and set up a third date with the woman I'm not quite as enthused about. There are things about her I like, and I do see some potential there. I just wouldn't want to lead her on. I'd have to keep the date pretty low key. Exactly what I think a good number of women have done with me; see me for 3-5 dates, because they were sort of interested in me and wondered if they might open up to me (please, people!!).

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

She11ybeanz posted 7/11/2013 13:33 PM

Hmmm...Well..IMO...I would only set up a 3rd date with the woman you feel luke warm about if and ONLY if you want to pursue her and see where it goes.... I wouldn't string her along until something better comes along...because it sounds like she is starting to get herself emotionally invested in you. OR....if you do...make sure you let her know that you are multi-dating. That way she can make the decision on her own if she is okay with seeing you regardless of you seeing other people! I know from being on the receiving end and being the one someone else felt lukewarm about.... that it wasn't the best feeling in the world.....when it all came down to it in the end.....because I did not know until he POOFed. I was just his "backup plan" so to speak.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:34 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Crescita posted 7/11/2013 13:33 PM

Sometimes I wonder if clear interest isn't a turnoff for you.

I see no harm in a few more casual dates and seeing where it goes.

IWantDoOver posted 7/11/2013 13:35 PM

Multidating is juggling.

How many women are you comfortable juggling? (BTW, it's not a trick question, there is no *correct* answer)

Just have fun.

OnceInALifetime posted 7/11/2013 13:48 PM

Shelly, I hear where you're coming from. I haven't multidated before (well, I've set up first dates with multiple women before, but never second dates).

I would never poof. As it stands, we left things that we would arrange a date sometime next week. But I've never put things on hold like that while I date someone else. You're right, though, if I see her again I think I might tell her I'm dating others (if that's still true).

It's not like I have no interest in her or see no potential. I'm just more interested in the other woman. And that's the down side of multidating, for all involved.

Crescita, my post does beg the question if I'm not turned off by interest (or turned on by disinterest). I know that the push/pull dynamic can be very real. Thing is, of the women I've date, the one who I had the most powerful instant attraction to was also instantly attracted to me. Her interest in me was a complete aphrodisiac. So I'm pretty sure that actually, the opposite of what you wonder is true. Part of the appeal I have for the woman who I'm less interested in, is that she *is* interested in me.

OnceInALifetime posted 7/11/2013 13:53 PM


IWantDoOver, your very first post is to me?

I'm, um, surprised

Welcome to SI.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:53 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

nutmegkitty posted 7/11/2013 14:11 PM

Are you waiting because your available time is limited - you only have so many nights available?

She11ybeanz posted 7/11/2013 14:21 PM

I know you are a good guy OnceInALifetime! And, I definitely could not picture you as a POOFer! I agree me multi-dating in the early dates is perfectly fine....but once it gets to the 3rd and on dates....then it gets a little more complicated. I would say that if you can tell that this other girl really likes you that being honest with her about multi-dating for the time being would be the honest way to go. That way she won't get hurt down the road should things progress or not between the two of you....

But, I see nothing wrong with it when you have tons of 1st and even 2nd dates.... because you are still trying to figure out what you want! (who you want) to invest your time in!

OnceInALifetime posted 7/11/2013 14:34 PM

Are you waiting because your available time is limited - you only have so many nights available?


I should be more clear about where things stand with the woman I'm less interested in (that sounds so cruel, btw; it isn't like I have no interest).

I messaged her after the second date, saying I'd like to see her again. I hadn't yet had my second date with the other woman (ooh, "other woman" must be a real trigger here! She's not an evil bitch, promise!). I said I was busy through the week and weekend (which was true; mostly due to kids but also due to my second other date). She said next week would be fine, I pretty much said "great," and left it at that. It's been a few days.

After my second date with the, er, second woman, it became clear to me I was more interested in her. But I have no idea yet if that's reciprocated.

I feel a little bad that the first woman hasn't heard from me in a few days, and that I hadn't scheduled anything concrete. I feel a little slippery around that, which is what prompted this post. I'm waiting to hear back from the woman I'm more excited about. If she wants to see me again, I'll tell the first woman that I'm interested in seeing where things go with someone else. Otherwise I'll set up something concrete with the first woman.

Am I cake eating? I know that most people wouldn't want to be a plan B. But honestly, I'm willing to be a plan B if it's a woman I'm excited about. I figure to know me is to love me

caregiver9000 posted 7/11/2013 14:43 PM

I think that until the point where you are talking on the phone every night and setting up the next date before the one you are on ends, I assume that everyone is going through exactly what you describe. Not hearing from someone to set that next date sends the message that you are at best coolly interested and that is FINE. Interest is good, neither of you is panting after the other.

Sometimes I wait to see if I am going to rather sit around and finish a good book before I commit to weekend plans.

Has the woman you have "left hanging" messaged you? Has she said anything like such and such movie is playing, want to go? She may be in the same multi-dating busy schedule boat.

RELAX.... communicate, don't project.

You cannot predict or even guess at the myriad responses any woman might give you. So waiting on one thing before you decide another seems kinda silly to me.

Set a date with as many people as you want around your schedule. Be in the moment and try not to compare one date to another. Just enjoy the company you have at the moment. You may be a poster child for learning to look at Ms. Right Now and not look for Ms. Right.

oh, and kudos on the interest and attention!!

She11ybeanz posted 7/11/2013 14:49 PM

I'm dying to know what dating site you are using NOW! (as opposed to before!) Maybe I need to switch too!

OnceInALifetime posted 7/11/2013 14:55 PM

I'm dying to know what dating site you are using NOW!

It's "Plenty of Neurotics," a POF spinoff. I figure I qualify.

She11ybeanz posted 7/11/2013 15:01 PM

Is that a free site?

I tried POF...with not very good luck.....not a fan...

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:03 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

asurvivor posted 7/11/2013 15:48 PM

I'm not trying to be condescending or anything but you're going out some dates not trying to put together a new strategy to for a five year marketing plan. If you can afford it, go out with all of them that you want to go out with and freaking enjoy yourself while being yourself without bullshitting anybody and see where it goes.
Relax, be in the moment and don't expect every date to be a ticket to paradise (thank you Eddie Money) I think most of us just want to have some fun (thank you Cindy Lauper) and enjoy being around some new company without the stress. The stress will come for both of you after you become,serious...kidding...sort of.

caregiver9000 posted 7/11/2013 15:59 PM


80s music.... sigh...

end t/j

OIAL, are you joking about the website?

OnceInALifetime posted 7/11/2013 16:17 PM

OIAL, are you joking about the website?

Not certain, but I think that's a serious question? (ETA: this question is precisely as serious as yours )

I know, the chorus has long been telling me to stop worrying, chill out, meditate, go with the flow, get tranquilized. Maybe I'll join in eventually.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 4:21 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

asurvivor posted 7/11/2013 16:26 PM

That's the ticket relax, go with the flow and.... "Tranquilize" thank you the Killers.

cmego posted 7/11/2013 16:34 PM

I thought you were trying e Harmony?

I've had the most "luck" on Match.

I was attempting multi-dating. To me, once you are in the 3rd date range, you should probably know if you really want to pursue someone or not. The guy was openly mulitdating, we discussed it very honestly. I was kinda multi-dating (had lunch with a fSO while dating this guy...). Once I hit the 3rd date, and he tried to kiss me...I was done. No interest. When he tried to set up a 4th date I simply said I wasn't interested.

I also assume everyone I"m talking to is talking to multiple women. My assumption is that one day I'll stumble on the "right" interest of the same level.

I personally wouldn't want to be a back up plan. By date 3 or 4, I'm probably beginning to wonder where his interest letting her know you are multi-dating is the right thing to do. She can then decide if she is comfortable with the situation.

ladies_first posted 7/11/2013 16:37 PM

I'm back

I know that most people wouldn't want to be a plan B. But honestly, I'm willing to be a plan B if it's a woman I'm excited about. I figure to know me is to love me.

OAIL, Is this how you'd describe dating to your daughters?

caregiver9000 posted 7/11/2013 16:42 PM

I am naive. Look it up, there's my picture. I was serious, though doubtful. A quick google search (YES, I DID ) proves just how gullible I am. sigh.

thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt, though apparently it was not deserved.

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