In a couple of weeks we're going on a trip to see my great-grandmother. I always get nervous going up because of the drama with my grandparents and I sincerely hope that they're not there this time. In addition to all the other history, my great-grandmother recently retook control of her finances, and I imagine they're furious right now, and they're unpredictable when they're angry. Anyway, it's been keeping me up at night. And thoughts of them - anger, guilt, sadness, whatever - often drift towards similar thoughts and feelings about my father, who fullheartedly supports them whatever they do.
I miss him. I wrote him last summer to ask if he wanted to meet his grandson, that I thought he might really like to meet him, and he said no, said it was because he's working through his own issues. This morning, not for the first time, I wondered what would happen if he were to get married and move on with a new family. With my grandparents messing with my great-grandmother's will recently, it made me wonder for the first time if dad's written a will, if I were in my dad's will and if I were and he were to get married, would he immediately put a new family there instead. I don't care about money, but it strangely felt like another rejection to imagine that. Not about money, but about being disregarded and ignored, like if I'm not acknowledged in writing as one of his survivors, then he's not acknowledging me as part of his family, that to the world as his daughter I don't exist. Or the thought that he would legally make it so that they could take care of him when he's elderly, and not me, that he might make it so I can't help him and do my daughterly duties, again it feels like a rejection, like being disowned. Just silly thoughts, they aren't reality yet, so why think of them? Why be pessimistic? Maybe it won't go that way.
So I told H about them. Just now, a few minutes ago, and he said something so compassionate... He said that he is not my father, that he's a memory right now. He said that to be a father you can't just drop in, can't be every few months or years... My H would know. His father left when he was very young. My heart hurts for my H right now. And he gets it. I love my father, I always will. But he's not present right now. Like H says, what I have of him are memories right now. I feel very sad thinking of that, but also some amount of peace.
The last time I heard from him was in early February. I had responded to his email, had written him one on Valentine's Day to wish him a happy one (I consider it to be a day to acknowledge love in general, and I've always wished him one as his daughter), wrote him on Father's Day to wish him a happy one... His birthday is just before my trip to see my great-grandmother. I will write him one more time. Then... I don't know. Maybe it's time to focus on letting go. I'll always love him, but it is time to get over his rejection and cherish that now, with my own son, I have the chance to break the cycle and love unconditionally.
I can worry later about what I would do if my father ever wants to reenter our lives. Right now I need to accept that present reality is, he's not here.
Thanks for listening and letting me vent. Peace and love to everyone here.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:42 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]
((((hugs))))
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
But the fact is, THEY are the broken ones, not us. You are a wonderful, worthy person, and you deserved a loving, caring, devoted parent, as did I. We didn't get one. It's their loss, although it may not feel like it right now. They are the ones that miss out on your kindness, your wit, your companionship, your care and yes, your beautiful children. But they are too self absorbed and selfish to even notice.
Do something special for yourself. TRY not to focus on this loss in your life and fill it with people who DO deserve you.
I, all too well, know that words are easy, feelings are hard, but take it from one who has BTDT for a very long time; it's YOU, not them, who are the healthy one. Someday, they may realize it. But in the meantime, live your life in happiness.
SK
You're right my friend, Sad in AZ, he doesn't know what he's missing. I'm really happy I could hang out with you and the rest of the folks at our g2g and share some special moments, especially with my son. It meant a lot to me how kind you guys were. I think that should be my example of what 'healthy' looks like, especially when it comes to the folks I want my son to know.
My original response was a lot loopier. Suffice to say, right now, no more nightmares about my family and no more sad thoughts about them either. That's my goal. There is plenty of happy in the here and now.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:46 AM, July 12th (Friday)]
