If you are not ok with porn,tell him one of your requirements for R is no more porn. That is absolutely ok and understandable after an affair.
I have a real problem with a WS telling a BS they must forgive them. Forgiveness is earned,over a long period of time. And if you can't forgive,that is ok too.
he doesn't support you emotionally and tells you he deserves to be treated better..meanwhile he has cheated on you with at least 2 OW and continues to lie.
It takes 3-5 YEARS to heal from infidelity..and that's with a remorseful WS.
How long ago was your dday?
Other than giving you access to his phone and email account what is he doing to help repair the damage he has done to you,the marriage and himself?
Is he answering all of your questions,no matter how often you ask,without anger,blame,and defensiveness?
Has he gone to IC to figure out his "why?"
Has he written NC emails to the OW,and you sent them together?
Did he get tested for STD's? Did you?
Is he remorseful? Not regretful..but remorseful? It sounds like he isn't there..yet.
Also..do you have proof that it was "only" one time with each OW? Cheaters lie and minimize..I would wonder if he was telling you the entire truth.
have you told him your requirements for R? Have you set boundaries..and consequences?
Im so sorry for the pain you're in. But Im really glad you found SI...this place is full of the kindest,most compassionate people you will ever "meet."
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
From your description, I don't have a very high opinion of your H. Cheating is intolerable. Cheating with a friend's W is worse. Cheating while you're pregnant is even worse than that. All he seems to be giving you are promises that he doesn't back up and orders to rugsweep. If he's drained, my guess is that he's drained because he's lying to you. But these are only my opinions, and they're based on very few facts.
Even with a remorseful W, though, a list of requirements has been very helpful to us.
[This message edited by sisoon at 4:31 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]
have you checked out the healing library? i would read the section that talks about how do you know if your wh is serious about r. if he is not doing those things, or the personal requirements on your r list, then you know. and you can either 180 him, or think about moving on.
please read it. at the bare minimum, your list of r requirements or 180/get out should be:
1. nc with ap
2. access to all communications - not just the phone...but phone records...there is a difference.
3. willing to talk about the affair, and answer all of your questions...over and over.
4. doing things to show you he is remorseful...not being mad at your triggers or getting defensive, doing nice things for you, attentive to your needs, saying sorry all the time, completely committed to his family....no outsiders during this time.
believe me, i know it is hard...and my husband didnt do a lot of the things i needed him to do for a long time...but when you put your bitch boots on, and start thinking about your feelings, and what is best for you...it will be easier to stand up for yourself. and most importantly...and this is the hardest part....gosh i know it was for me...and i struggled and failed on this so many times....thank god for the SIers who held me up.
but....whatever you do...remember that you have to find the strength deep within yourself...to NOT be afraid of losing him. when you reach that point, then the decisions, requirements for r, boundaries, and approach to r will be made from a place of dignity and self respect.
you took his ass back...but you want to take him back the right way, you know what i mean?
but this threw me
He told me I treat him bad now and he also deserves someone who treats him better
I suggest you ask him to look in a mirror, this makes me angry for you!!!
The bad news is that your H is probably still sleeping around. The blame shifting, rug sweeping, and are all straight from the cheaters handbook. He's not remorseful. You'll probably want to read up on the 180, and detach yourself emotionally from him. See an attorney to find out your options, and start getting your ducks in a row for when the inevitable 3rd dday rears T's ugly head. There are people here on SI who have great advice on how to collect information on his activities without him knowing. That's never been something I wanted to do, but sometimes it's helpful in outing a WS who has taken their A underground.
Sorry you're going through this
He is making himself the victim here. And telling you that you CHOOSE to "wallow in it" is a big sign that he has NO clue as to what he has done. You are a depressed mess because of HIS actions and choices...telling you it's your fault that he is in a bad mood because you're sad that he cheated on you is just bullshit.
i learned this the hard way....i would say..."well, he is home everyday, doesnt go out anymore, says he is sorry all the time, goes to church with me, changed his phone number....." you name it...i thought he was doing so much.
but now, in looking back...after the discovery of false r last year...i see that he may have been doing those things...but he wasnt doing ALL of the things in the healing library...i had to be honest about that. and you know what? when they are not....they are usually STILL cheating....or just laying low until they start up cheating again...when they think things have settled down.
he was being nice....but he was still blaming me for his affair, he still was rugsweeping, still wanted me to get over it soon, didnt like to talk about it, and he wouldnt give me full access to his phone. you see? i was not in r....no where near it...a lot like your husband.
i agree with the other posters.....if you dont leave him, then 180 him....hard.
a wise SIer told me several times until i got it through my head this: "he needs to be willing to move heaven and earth to help you heal. and that means doing every single things in the HL, and more. she said that he has got to want to r more than you do....do everything to show you that he is worthy."
and you know what? for a long time, my husband didnt do that...i knew in my heart that he wasnt...and it hurt. i made excuses for him all the time...but i knew...he just wasnt remorseful. you know how you just know in your heart when you are all alone...and are honest with yourself?
if you know he is not remorseful...and i think you do....like most of us have experienced....you have to detach and take care of you....hard 180.
hugs to you. we are all here for you.
I've read the 180. I did try it for a little but slipped back. I will try again. It's hard to not look pathetic. I'm such a jealous freak about anything. Simple as him saying someone on tv is pretty. I want to ask a bunch of questions again. Even though I have already asked. But I won't. Those answers won't change anything.
If he's still cheating, and dealing with this miserable life we have. Why won't he just leave me ???
According to both of them their were no feelings. It was just risky sex. They didn't talk outside of the sex at all. Just the day of each time to plan it. I was able to validate that. He has has many partners that were just sex. No feelings. Is this something that is a deeper issue ?!
His sister passed away in April. I went home with him to the funeral. He was angry that I came. Thought I only came to watch him. Than got mad when I wouldn't let him out. And ignored me. I didn't know how to take that because of everything he was dealing with. Now I'm upset about it again.
He is four years younger than me. 25. He may just be a immature asshole forever.
The wine comment is familiar. My doctor put me on an AD...WH knows this,of course...and sometimes when Im triggering he will ask me if I'd forgotten to take my pill that day.