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Newest Member: Nala87 (61091)

User Topic: Telling other people about the A
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a hard week. I had a couple of really hard days where I just felt hopeless and I realized that if he hasn't come back for real in the last 4 1/2 months, he isn't ever coming back. I think we have now been dealing with the devastation of his A longer than his A (if I am to believe that he is no longer in contact with the OW like he says).

We have been up and down the roller coaster and he pretty much went back to saying "I was miserable, if I hadn't been caught I'd still be miserable with you." He has been mad that I get mad and have blown up on him when he was "trying."

Anyway, I've had a really hard week where everything just hit me. I've been back from Maternity Leave since April and a lot of people have noticed I'm not the happy, cheerful, upbeat girl I was before I left to have the baby. Only my supervisor and another coworker knew what is really going on with me. Thank God that they did because I've messed up on more than one occasion and it took me a while to get back on track.

This week being so hard, I unexpectedly disclosed what is going on with me to two more coworkers. I've gone so long without telling anyone, but something just cracked inside of me this week. I think I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that if he hasn't come back by now, he isn't ever coming back.

Part of me feels weird, like it was just emotional throw up for me to tell, and part of me feels good like I'm getting more comfortable with my new reality.

The truth is that I don't have a husband anymore and I live alone with my baby and our dogs. He drops the baby off most days after daycare, and we see each other, but we are in such a bad place...that I don't feel like he is mine anymore. did you handle telling other people? A few of my close friends know and his immediate family and my immediate family...but that is it. He also told a couple of his friends and his boss. I think he told more so others can tell him he's not so bad and that these things happen..etc.

I know my close friends have told some of their friends and coworkers just by things they have said to me...I'm that girl now...the one whose husband cheated on her while she was preggos. It's weird being that girl...

I have this nagging feeling like, what if he comes back one day and we work it out? Did I out this situation to too many people?

ETA...My whole family lives 3 hours away and I'm the only one who lives out of town. His whole family lives here. Basically DS and I have my two best friends, a handful of coworkers, and his family here. My coworkers are like family....they were just as invested in this baby as our own siblings have been.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 2:58 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 418 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told everyone immediately. A few knew in advance of the separation, but after the separation I told everyone. And I told them why. It was very cathartic.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 39362
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't tell anyone after the first dday, because we were working on R. I didn't want my friends and family to judge or hold it against him for the rest of our lives.

It was very difficult to carry all of that pain alone. In retrospect, it would have been healthiest for me to have confided in someone. I have a few close friends who are unconditionally supportive and wouldn't have judged him.

After this dday, I've told all of my friends and family. I need love and support through this life shattering process, and didn't want to go through it alone.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this and are having a hard week. Focus on taking care of yourself and your children. Take it day by day. Some days will be better than others.

Sending you lots of hugs and light.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 415 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
♀ 39728
Member # 39728
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this when you should be enjoying your wonderful baby. That should be the focus of your life.
I know this is hard but please try to focus on you and your precious baby. That's all that matters. Your WS is not deserving of your time or energy. Find a good lawyer and get custody of that baby!
Take care and look into those little eyes and know that you are truly loved.

Me: BS 44yo
Him: WS 42yo
Married 11yrs; together 16yr
Kids: 8yo and 3yo
Dday: June 26, 2013
Dday #2: July 22, 2013 - found out same woman and been going on since Dec 2012.
Starting the divorce process. Listing our home. Scared but hopeful.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Nature_Girl, Rainbows, and tennispro. I am so blessed to have this amazing chunky monkey in my life.

Let me take a second to write about that: he was 10 pounds at birth, was holding his head up within days of being born, is always happy and in a good mood, he started sleeping through the night at 2 1/2 months, he is starting to giggle, he laughs and smiles at everything mama does, and he has kept me sane and alive throughout all of this.

He is truly a miracle baby and he is gorgeous. He has blue eyes and he looks just like his momma. Juicy little lips and perfect cherub face.

Thank you for reminding me of what is truly important.

Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 418 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 24534
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, it sucks!

However I just want to let you know my baby is And no matter what happened to my marriage, he has been the biggest joy of my life. I have loved watching him grow and learn and become the funny, great, athletic, smart preteen that he is today.

That is the one great thing I take from a less than steller situation. Being a mom has been a blessing. Let that bring you all the joy you need and take some time for yourself when you need it.

and I didn't tell anyone for a while because we were attempting to R, but when we decided to separate, I told everyone. You need all the support you can get right now, don't try to shoulder this burden alone.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't keeping it to yourself, you are telling us. And that's what this is for. It helps greatly. Even telling people I found that most really didn't understand it. They were nice and seemed supportive but didn't really understand it. I did have a high school friend who turns out was 6 months ahead of me in his WW's infidelity. We talked about every other day and that was really great. Funny because he would tell me what would happen next with my WW, and sure and behold it was like clockwork. He understood the pain.

One thing I've realized is that people won't hold it against you so much. I actually really don't think they hold it much against your WS. Frankly I think most people don't care all that much because they are so busy in their own lives and own marriage issues. My only advice is to find a few close friends to confide in. You need to talk to someone. It does help with the loneliness and despair at times. It helps you vent also.

BS(me) 50
WW 49
1 son 17 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1636 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Topic Posts: 7

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