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unwound posted 7/11/2013 15:08 PM

One month ago I found out my WW was having an EA. She teaches elementary school. Two months ago my WW started taking her cell phone EVERYWHERE. This from the woman who could hardly keep track of her phone before. On my DS's 15th birthday she invited a co-worker and his family out to his birthday party. WW and co-worker followed each other around like teenagers. His wife took their 1 year old daughter home after an hour. He stayed past midnight around the campfire with the whole family. Hmmmm. Evidence gathering began the next day. I could not get to her phone she always had it with her. Listen up everyone!!! Verizon now offers a service "INTEGRATED MESSAGING". This allows you to have your text messages sent to your e-mail. I signed her cell number up for the service. I signed her up at 6:30 A.M. and by 10:00 A.M. there were 25 sexting messages, 2 pictures, and a plan to run away together. I confronted her the same day. She left me. That night as I researched phone records I found she and Mr. P.E. teacher had sent 95 sext messages on DS birthday.

mysticpenguin posted 7/11/2013 15:22 PM

Oh yikes. I am so sorry you had to come here and join our community. The good news is, you're in good company and you're in the best possible place to get advice!

The most important thing to do right now is take care of yourself. Eat, hydrate, get an Rx for sleeping pills from your doctor if you need it. Also -- get tested for STDs. They are unbelievably common.

Have you informed the PE teacher's betrayed wife? Affairs bloom in secret. The best way to destroy one is to expose it to the light. Besides, the other betrayed spouse has a right to know.

Don't tell your wife of your plans to tell her affair partner's wife -- they'll make you out to be crazy.

So sorry you're here. Please keep reading & posting and most importantly, put yourself and your healing first.

simplydevastated posted 7/11/2013 15:27 PM

OMG! I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are in the right place. That's a handy little service you stumbled upon. I wonder if AT&T has that.

Have you heard from her since she left?

Sending you (((HUGS))) and strength to get you through this rough time.

1Faith posted 7/11/2013 15:48 PM


Sorry that you find yourself here. Our club of broken hearts but healing hearts too.

I am so sorry that your wife chose this path. We know the heartache that you feel.

Please take some time to breathe and read all you can in the Healing Library. It will help you get your bearings.

We are all here for you. Keep your focus on your children and know that you deserve honesty, love and truth.

Good luck.

unwound posted 7/11/2013 16:27 PM

I had been working two jobs. I called as I left my second job and told her she needed to go with me to the hospital as I thought I had appendicitis. When she got in the car I drove to the OM house. He was not home but his BS was along with their 1 year old. I pulled up the Integrated Messaging on My Verizon and showed the other BS the messages and pics. It left my WW no opportunity to conspire and lie with Mr. Football coach. Oh I haven't mentioned he coaches DS football team and that he offered him one on one football coaching. Still contemplating getting him fired. She texted him as I drove her way with supposed appendicitis. It said "I could really use a picture of you right now, my husband is acting weird and I hate hospitals. I am so nervous". Glad she was worried about me.

unwound posted 7/11/2013 16:31 PM

I just read Divorce Busting and am actively doing a 180. I don't know if I want her back though. That changes daily.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/11/2013 16:36 PM

Welcome to the best club you don't want to belong to.

I admire your style, unwound. When was your "d-day", as we call it here?

Did the OBS (other betrayed spouse) and WH separate, too? Did you ask your WW to leave or did she voluntarily leave? How about your children, how are they doing? How are you doing?

redrock posted 7/11/2013 17:38 PM


Those are cyber hugs. Welcome.

Love that your "acting weird" turned out to be blowing her shit out of the water. How did she respond to pulling up to her schmoopie's house?

I would talk to a lawyer before you expose the coach.

I personally believe in exposure. But consequences work both ways. Your wife could also get fired.

He should not be permitted to coach your kid!

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/11/2013 17:51 PM

i did not know about integrated messager...hmm my question is that see my husband has these alerts built in when something changes on the account. Is there a way to disable the alerts so he won't know? And do you get actual text messages or and so sent a message?time and where from? sorry you are going through this.

unwound posted 7/11/2013 21:53 PM

The other BS and WH are divorcing. Interesting, they had planned on counseling but all of the sudden he pulled that offer off the table 2 months ago. Too bad for him because now she is going to take him to the cleaners. I on the other hand begged my WW to stay. Did all the wrong stuff. She left me sobbing on the front steps. It was the lowest point of my 35 years. I am not staying there though.

[This message edited by unwound at 9:54 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 7/11/2013 22:32 PM

Oh, unwound, I am so sorry. (((unwound))) We all understand that crippling gut wrenching pain that left you sobbing on the front steps.

I am glad that it sounds like you have found your "bitch boots". Please don't be offended, thats what we call it when you get tough here at SI, putting on your bitch boots. Somehow it doesn't sound right for a BH, though, sorry. I wonder if anyone knows what the male equivalent of "bitch boots" is called here?

unwound posted 7/11/2013 22:59 PM

How 'bout I found my chore gloves Sister Milkshake?

Ionlytalkedtoher--Integrated Messenger is simple. Once you sign up for it the registered cell phone number gets a one time message. After that you can log into My Verizon and actually read every text sent. And look at pictures of your wife in lingerie being sent to the OM. You can also save them to jump drive and/or print them.

[This message edited by unwound at 11:00 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

unwound posted 7/11/2013 23:03 PM

Well the kids are being kids. DD doesn't want to choose sides and I am very clear I do not want them to. DS is pissed his mom told him she needed to go find herself. They don't know about the OM. DS will find out from kids at school unless she hurries up and tells him. My IC suggests I let her choose when to tell them because she claims I am controlling.
BTW Mr. Football is DD's P.E. coach in school. I am just telling them repeatedly how loved they are and they don't have anything to do with the situation.

unwound posted 7/11/2013 23:07 PM

My VAR did record them talking on cell phone after she claims NC. VAR is hotly debated between my closest confidants. One says it will get me in big trouble if she finds out. The other says if I leave it laying around in the home I own, well....
I would like to know if this is a bad idea. Basically if I find out there is a PA by the VAR they will both be out of a job since they work at the same school. Did I mention they sent eachother 2000 text messages in the month of May? I will never allow someone else to control bill paying again.

unwound posted 7/11/2013 23:13 PM

Oh when we pulled up to other BS house her eyes get big but she tries to play it cool. We are all friends due to WW pushing them on me. So this isn't too crazy, I said I faked sick because I had a special surprise for her and didn't want her to catch on. Selfish WW likes surprises. She walked out of the house once we all started reading the messages together. They had a vague plan to run off together in the future. We read what was basically a love letter from WW to WH. She got the inspiration from me as I had given her one the night before. So here we are one month later and she still keeps saying "What kind of person does that", as in the whole surprise. Are you kidding me?!! I would say your average heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on BS.

unwound posted 7/11/2013 23:16 PM

For a month it has felt like I wake up every morning (4:00 A.M. nowdays) to go to my family's funeral. That is not an exaggeration. But knowing they are still talking has been a game changer. I got my chore gloves on now.

hardtotake posted 7/11/2013 23:39 PM

Sorry about your situation unwound. You found a great group that helped me out and you'll find great support here. A couple of pearls:

1) Keep your cards close to your hand and don't let your WW know that you have access to her messages.
2) Strictly apply the 180.
3) See an attorney and gather information.
4) Watch your finances and don't allow her to clean house.

Just curious if why you this this EA hasn't become a PA?

Holly-Isis posted 7/12/2013 03:49 AM

My IC suggests I let her choose when to tell them because she claims I am controlling.

Your IC is wrong there. You can't control what your WW thinks about you. Because she thinks so, she will find evidence to support it no matter what you do.

Instead of trying to get into your WW's good graces, you should be protecting your child. If there's a risk at all they will hear it through gossip at school, you need to prepare them so they won't be blindsided.

solus sto posted 7/12/2013 07:13 AM

First, I'm very, very sorry you have any need to be among us. I am so impressed with your sleuthing and mode of exposure.

I have to agree that attempts to manipulate your wife's thoughts (we're all too controlling!) are futile. You can't; the only thoughts, feelings, and actions you can change are your own. As a corollary, you can work to protect your kids' feelings. That part is tricky, and we never can quite do it completely. But we can try.

I think exposure is important. It may have job implications for your wife as well, but she chose them by choosing to have an affair; because it is summer, perhaps she can locate another position without the whole thing being blown up publicly and in a way that is devastating to your children. Danger of gossip and public exposure aside, I think your child/ren should not be in class/coached by a man who will (pretty inevitably, somewhere along the line) be exposed as the OM.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:32 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

solus sto posted 7/12/2013 07:25 AM

And because this tablet doesn't let me edit even when I don both bitch boots and chore gloves, I wanted to add that it does get better, unwound. You are handling this admirably--try not to view sobbing meltdowns as anything more than they are: evidence of being a loving man whose world has been turned on its head. You're doing so well. But you know what? Even if you did things 100% right 100% of the time (or 100% wrong 100% of the time, as I did for quite a while) it doesn't matter in terms of what your WW thinks and does. She's already got a fiction created; you could be ideal or idiotic; either way, she'll find things to support her inner dialogue. So. Why do we emphasize the 180 and all the things we recommend, if they aren't going to impact the WS? Because they help YOU feel stronger and healthier and more in control---of yourself. And I've got to hand it to you: you seem to be managing this part astoundingly well.

I'm glad you're here--not that you have reason to be, but because it's a good place for those who do.

I have a feeling we are going to be seeing a LOT of Verizon integrated message readers here in coming days, weeks, and months. I so wish I'd had a tool like that when I was systematically being convinced I was insane.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:31 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

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