I donít know how to express myself in this at all, or at least, so I donít sound like Iím making excuses about my behavior. So, here goes:
I am a wayward. Or a madhatter, or whichever one. I was cheated on and then I cheated. Began an EA/PA in March of this year with my ex, that lasted until June of this year. We did not have sex, but that doesnít much matter because anytime it becomes physical Ė no matter how small or large Ė it was still physical, regardless.
That sounded like an excuse. God, this is confusing.
Okay, I started the EA; contacted OM on FB; it became a PA after one month. Went NC, I want to say about a quarter of a way through (canít remember the exact date, but Taurus517 might remember that better than me at this point), but I didnít do an official NC so within the week it started up again. It stopped because Taurus517 found out through a text exchange, asked me about it, I came clean. Went NC with OM, but, like I said, it started back up about a week later. It ended officially this past June, and have not spoken to OM since.
Yes, he was married. Yes, I have a fucked up sense ofÖeverything at this point. Back story: OM was my ex. Girl he married, he cheated on me with (heís a habitual cheater; uses people as his exit strategy out relationships he no longer has a spark for). When it was apparent it was becoming an EA/PA, I will admit vindication (which says a lot more about me and how fucked up I actually am). But then I broke it off out of guilt and shame and anger at myself, at his wife, at Taurus517, at my WHís OW, at my parents and just anger at my life in general. Yes, being incredibly pissed off drove my sense of getting out of that situation more than anything.
Now, itís just moreÖpain. Disappointment. Anger. Frustration. Rage. Depression. Fear.
I want to feel the full gamut of these emotions and process them, but they are WAY too much at this point, and Iím beginning to realize the FOO issues that I thought I had dealt with are really just coming back to bite me in the ass. Royally.
When I say I have a screwed up sense of vindication, I mean to say: when my ex cheated on me I felt I deserved it bcause I was his exit strategy out of a relationship prior. It fucked me up, yes, but I chalked it up to being a stupid young adult (ha! Like Iím really that old) and tried to move on as best I could. I thought I had taken care of me and got myself right, but looking back, I realize I really havenít.
Like I said, my FOO issues are rearing their ugly, little heads and I am now in a fucked up spiral in which I keep hitting my head against a brick wall and just finding that itís coming back bloody. I realized just now as Iím typing this that I have FUCKED coping mechanism: I was a cutter at 14 Ė 16; thought I nicked the habit. It reared its ugly head during my first break up; thought I nicked the habit. Itís come back again.
Donít worry, Iíve got a different IC lined up. Last one really sucked because she wasnítÖI donít knowÖhelpful enough: talked over me, lacked empathy, asked really silly questions that pertained more to the marriage than just helping ME.
ē Victimhood: I have serious problem with this. I think I play the victim, a lot. How badly Iíve been treated, how the world owes me a favor. On the flipside, Iím incredibly hard on myself because of these thoughts and I forced myself to prove to myself that I am not a victim. Upon review of my childhood and young adulthood, this ďvictim-not-victimĒ crap inside of myself made me put myself in some pretty dangerous situations, just to ďproveĒ to myself that I was strong enough
ē I compartmentalize like a motherfucker. Not in the sense of separating one aspect of my life into another. I am completely aware of ALL realities, but experiencing the actual emotions behind them? No, not so much. Itís an automatic response to take an intensely felt emotion, box it up and intellectualize it later. I donít actually FEEL the emotion, I just rationalize it.
ē My mother was cheated on and was the OW; I always hated that aspect, and hated when people talked so much shit about OW on this site. Didnít realize why until this morning because the ďtofuĒ comments people made about OW, yeah, that was my mom: she became the person she was dating as opposed to just realizing her relationships are FUCKED up. She was/is a serial OW
ē My father, King Rugsweeper. Probably one of the biggest origins of my issues because a)he molested me; b) he terrorized everyone he came in contact with and fucked them over if he could; c) was emotionally and physically abusive, but then on the flipside played so MANY self-affirmation tapes and CDs and positivity things that it was confusing on trying to understand how to be positive when youíre too busy running away from a lightweight boxer thatís about to kick your ass for something miniscule. To this day he STILL acts like he DOESNíT know why he and my mom divorced. He was an alcoholic and was especially abusive of my mom.
I donít know if Iím over explaining, or if Iím doing any of this right. I struggle with: ďAm I doing this right?Ē
I donít know. This is just a jumble of thoughts because I was honestly just terrified of posting on the site, but I realize I have to. Someone elseís post today made me realize I was being a REAL judgemental POS, chicken shit about posting and that I need to get over myself.
Also, if I sound blasť, please note that Iím really not. Itís just a defense mechanism. I just box up the emotions immediately, even if I am a raging inferno underneath.