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Two months gone and no amazing revelations

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Thingsfellapart posted 7/11/2013 17:22 PM

Yes, I'm an impatient person! I know this. My therapist knows this. It's been about 2 months since I confronted by husband and he admitted that he was using a fake profile on a dating site and had a fake email to chase after others. We are both in individual counseling and were in couples counseling. We have just stopped the couples counseling because we weren't making any progress. Why? Because I'm not sure if I want to continue the relationship or not.

Things I am struggling with are the questions from coworkers and friends about how he is. And where he is when he doesn't join me at events.

I'm also lonely. Thankfully, I've been very busy and have had some vacations and work trips. But it is still so painful to go from spending so much time for almost a decade with someone to never seeing him.

I don't know what I want out of this. At times, I want to believe that we can reconcile. Other times, I want to just never see him again. We are almost done with our house remodeling and I go back and forth between wanting to sell the house and start fresh and wanting to stay here, even if I get divorced.

I wish someone could tell me "you will have it all figured out in 6 months." Or I wish I could just fast-forward. I'm know this is normal. I know I have to figure out what I want and what I need. But I don't know how to go about doing this.

Thanks for being my sounding board tonight. I just needed to let it all out!

1Faith posted 7/11/2013 17:40 PM


Sorry you are struggling.

It appears that you have had two or more DDays so you unfortunately aren't new to the rollercoaster ride.

If your WH is a serial cheater per your profile what will be the difference this time that makes him fully commit to you?

What is your deal breaker? This only stops when you say stop. You have to love yourself enough to demand faithfulness. If he isn't able to give it to you then you have your answer.

(((gently))) You have to ask yourself why you'd choose to stay with someone when you are always wondering WHEN not IF....

What does a real and authentic relationship look like to you? Ask yourself if that is possible with your WH.

Does he get how is actions were totally wrong? Is he remorseful?

You don't have to make any major decisions today but protect yourself and fight for yourself. You deserve better.


ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/11/2013 17:49 PM

sorry you are dealing with this.

Thingsfellapart posted 7/11/2013 18:35 PM


Yes, I have had 2 DDays. He has had multiple one night stands. He says that he enjoys the thrill of the chase. And much like a thread I just read, is able to compartmentalize the cheating. It is like I'm married to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

This time, I kicked his butt out and I know that he is remorseful. But, I don't think it is enough.

I don't love myself enough to demand better. I'm working on this in IC. It is awful to feel this way.

I also was raised not to just give up on a marriage. I was raised to work through the difficult times. But when can I say enough is enough?

We were on what I thought was a great path. We were talking about having a kid soon and my trust in him was rebuilding. Then, when I found out the second time, I was (and am) devastated.

I always said "I don't understand women who stay with abusive husbands." Well, now I know how they feel. It isn't physical abuse, but it hurts and it awful.

I've talked with my therapist and it seems that I seek out relationships where I will feel needed...where I can nurture someone. I want to be a provider and a caregiver. I want to save someone. I need to save myself.

He says he understands that his actions were wrong. And that he feels remorse. And that it is never happening again. But I heard this all before a few years ago after DDay 1. I don't know what to believe now.

I want to be happy. I want to be in a marriage where I love and am loved. I want to have a child. I'm almost 34 and so very afraid that no one will ever love me again and that I will never find another person to share my life with. Fear is paralyzing me.

I hope that my IC can help me work through my fear. I keep asking myself "What would I do if I wasn't afraid?" And my answer is "Leave him." But I'm afraid I'll be alone. I'm afraid he will try to ruin me financially (I'm the breadwinner and my income is several times larger than his). I'm afraid I'll regret not trying the whole "til death due us part." It all sounds stupid, I know.

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