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my mind isn't processing this

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soveryalone1 posted 7/11/2013 18:06 PM

I feel so foolish, and blinded by love. I wish I didn't convince myself all would be well, I wish I didn't convince myself that everything was normal, that people in LTR's just get out of sync sometimes. I wish she had just told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, now she is telling people she wanted me to leave 3 years ago, which tells me she stopped loving me at that point. but for 10 years she loved me , cared for me, honored me, stood by my side through thick and thin. I never once those 10 years questioned her love for me.I guess its because of some of my mental illness , the bipolar or the PSTD which is confusing me. ITs like my heart aches , my body aches , most of my mind knows it over 100% but there is some teeny part of me, not sure exactly what part of me that still is expecting the phone to ring, still expecting her to call me crying , telling me how deeply sorry she is. She loved me in a way no one in my life has, and now I don't exist to her, I don't know if she still is with the OM or or what, I know she did go to visit him twice after I left, he lives 3 hours away. And don't get me wrong I do want her happy , i just begged her prior to me leaving that she not tell me any details about her life after we were over, and i cant understand why she needed to A ) tell me she was with someone new ( a pseudo friend of mine) B ) act so horribly cruel to me a few times and say things and act in ways that was not her, it was like she was putting on an act for him.. or who knows maybe she was putting on an act for me, i am just so utterly confused right now, i have been away from her for 2 months now, and it was 1 month 1 week ago she , out of the blue , after NC from me for 2 weeks that she texted me to tell me about her and him, i am completely and utterly baffled ... i left , i gave her 1000 miles of space, and yet she still felt she "owed me" well thanks to her I can hardly sleep , or eat , and my mind is nonstop spinning thinking about a million things at once , filled with 1 million questions for her that wont ever be answered. gosh she really must have just been acting the last few years because she surely does seem to hate me , she certainly doesn't want me to be happy.

canteat posted 7/11/2013 19:04 PM

I am so sorry for all you are going through. I can tell you are feeling very confused right now. I am a newbie here too so I don't have a lot of wisdom to pass along.
Just stay strong and take some time to think about what YOU want and what YOU need. Focus on that. You can't make her feel or do anything. You can only control you so that's where you should direct your focus and energy. Keep posting and reading here-there is a wealth of information and support for the taking. I know it's not easy-I struggle with this each day. *hugs*

soveryalone1 posted 7/11/2013 19:36 PM

Yea , i am doing my very best to just focus on myself , trying to keep busy but whatever I do my mind wanders. I know i cant make her or anyone else feel anything or do anything , its just so baffling to me that , knowing me the way she does , better than anyone on earth , after i wished her well , and told her to be happy without me, i am just shocked by how she acted after that, i am just trying to come to terms with my heart and mind that it went from love to hate really quickly it seems , or at least it feels that way, and i don't understand why she cant just wish me well, tell me to be happy as well

FightingBack posted 7/11/2013 19:56 PM

(((((sovery alone))))))

You are not alone. We are here.

Help yourself. Hold on to yourself.
Things will get better. This will pass.

Duffy1958 posted 7/11/2013 21:37 PM

She very well could have been putting on an act for the new guy. Even if he wasn't around, it can be a conversation she tells him about. To make herself look big. No, it doesn't make any sense. Nothing they do does unless there is a big "I" or "ME" in front of it. I am so sorry she has betrayed your trust & cheated.

You are very wise to keep your distance from her. The exposure to her callousness is very hurtful.

There really isn't a lot which can be said for their behavior. You are spot on when you recognize you can't control them or cause them to love, if they don't want to see it. My husband, together 13.5 yrs, married 3.5-just not that into me. When I challenged him on this he said NOTHING!? Crap, I half wish he would have at least tried to lie. He lied about so many other things.

I'm sure you have surprised her by
disengaging yourself. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't take it personally. Their thought process is very effed up.

I think our mind has a hard time processing this because this wasn't suppose to happen.

Also, I'm convinced, a cheater is batshit cray for cheating, lying etc. Who in their RIGHT mind would invite all that hell in their life.

I think it is pure cheater BS for her to say last 3 years....They ALWAYS try to rewrite history. I don't even know if you can believe half of what they say. Cheaters lie. Barf. They disgust me & rightly so.

If there is future contact, you could say something like, "You have crossed so many boundaries I don't recognize you. The person I have witnessed in this (X) amount of time is NOT someone who is headed in the same direction I am, in ANY fashion. Please respect my boundaries & do not contact me again." Change your number or block hers. I like the number change myself even though it's harder.

My heart goes out to you SoVery. Please continue to take care of yourself. I think you have done an outstanding job of dealing with this crap of infidelity. You have made wise choices for yourself & trust me, that is a VERY attractive quality.

Please stay in contact. There is still many feeling & emotions to go through. I feel like there is an eternal buzz saw in my gut. I even swam & lots of sun to wear myself out. SMH

Stay in touch! Duffy1958

soveryalone1 posted 7/12/2013 14:27 PM

Thanks everyone for the kind words, duffy , I don't think there will be any contact in the future, after my birthday when I made the mistake of calling a number of times ( just hoping to hear her say happy birthday) after that night she changed her number, so the only contact we have had was email, and all she talked about was some clothing and things I left at the apartment. I will have someone contact her to arrange to have my things sent to me. I have moments throughout the day where thoughts randomly pop into my mind and those moments I swear I feel like I am losing my mind. I wonder about every little detail, I wonder why I was so stupid to make love with her the night before I left, how stupid was that? and it felt so amazing and I looked into her eyes and told her this was not goodbye, I wonder so many little details, I am just glad that it seems to be getting better , at least the frequency of the horrible thoughts , but the intense visceral reactions I feel post thought at times to be more intense , so they are happening less and less often , but the intensity seems to have become more extreme. I feel like I am losing my mind, is this normal ?

EtTuBrute posted 7/12/2013 15:39 PM

I believe she is reacting to your having said, "i wished her well , and told her to be happy without me," which translates to a woman as "I don't care about you. I'm glad you're leaving my life." It's very likely that she wanted you to fight for her. It's very likely that she wanted some aspect of you to change to show that you really did love her. She's lashing out at you, because she is angry with you. Anger is a secondary emotion, which is the result of the primary emotion of feeling hurt.

Men have a very different way of expressing love that women don't understand. When you "do things" for women, they see that as what you must do out of obligation, not out of love, ie., mow the lawn, buy her a new car for XMAS, take out the trash, get a promotion at work, watch the kids while she gets her hair done, fixing the roof, etc. Showing love to a woman in which she defines as love would be setting up travel arrangements for a romantic getaway, writing a note that tells her how cute she is when she's sleeping, and how sexy you think she is, or whatever would be in a romance novel - unexpected kisses, opening the car door for her, reciting a love poem - something that sweeps her off her feet. Is she happy you fixed the roof? Yes. Does she find that romantic? No. You would've done that for your mom too.

Personally, I would rather have a beautifully written love letter from my husband for my birthday / XMAS than anything that could be bought at a store. Unfortunately, the romance from the courtship dies when "I do" is said at the altar.

[This message edited by EtTuBrute at 4:07 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

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