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whatnow8 posted 7/11/2013 19:02 PM

We just passed the 5 year mark. Every year I feel like another year of my life has been lost. Maybe the M is just irreparable. I gave up long ago on a list of non-negotiable requirements for R. But I think I'm at the point where enough is enough. I'm making a list.

Is it too late for a timeline? Will it even be accurate after this amount of time?

mysticpenguin posted 7/11/2013 21:09 PM

I'm not even close to 5 years out so I can't be much help but on terms of memory... it should all be retrievable.

My 5 year anniversary is coming up and I remember exact dates for milestones, remember what shows we watched that year, what restaurants we went to, conversations, etc.

dameia posted 7/11/2013 23:27 PM

I don't think its too late for a timeline, if you think it will help you heal.

However, from your post it sounds like you aren't getting what you need from your WS.

What would be on your list of non-negotiable requirements? Do you think the A was a deal-breaker?

whatnow8 posted 7/12/2013 00:11 AM

mp, for me too, it would all be retrievable. Wh is a different story. He can never remember anything. I don't know how much is due to his abusive childhood or it's just a convenience for him to not have to remember. Either way, I think 5 years is more than enough time to have worked some of this crap out, and sat down and put some real thought into trying to piece things together.

dameia, I don't think the A was a deal breaker if we were moving in the right direction. The last few years he has had to work a ton of overtime, so he constantly uses a lack of time as an excuse for not working on things. We've started counseling 4 times, and it never lasts more than a few months.

I said early on that I didn't think he was really interested in putting in the work necessary, he said he is, but here we are 5 years later...

Right now on my list - a timeline, counseling together, not just IC and I want to actually talk about the As in counseling (I know I, we need help actually communicating about it), no sex until I'M ready.

I have access to his phone, etc. He seems fine with the non-emotional requirements. It's the stuff that he needs to put real time, thought, and work into that seems to be the problem.

sisoon posted 7/12/2013 09:31 AM

1) If you want a TL, ask for one - you might or might not get it. If you don't ask, there's no chance of getting it.

2) One way of getting a TL is to sit with your H, ask questions, and create the TL together.

Good luck - I really hope your H comes through on the emotional side.

guarded posted 7/12/2013 11:29 AM

Right there with you. Still no timeline. Does all required stuff but no delving into emotions. ((hugs))

whatnow8 posted 7/12/2013 21:55 PM

sisoon, sorry my question should have been is it too late to expect an accurate timeline this far out. I don't want to get my hopes up. I know I shouldn't, but I keep doing it.

Sorry, guarded. ((hugs)) to you too.

In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?