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depressed, just crying and venting

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brokenhearted76 posted 7/11/2013 20:45 PM

Bad bad bad evening! Had another fight with hubby. He started it all off by acting like a toddler, throwing a tantrum. I mean full out screaming, cussing, whole 9 yards. He got mad because my 13 yr old son refused to do something (yard work) that he had told son to do, i told son and he did it. Hubby started yelling at son, son pops off "why should i listen to a guy who cheated on my mom", and the war was on. Hubby very inappropriately "puffed" up at son, tried to start a fight, and acted like a baby. Which of course pushed my button because hubby yells at son "that was a month ago, you need to shut up about it", wrong answer mister! So it ends up me an hubby in the backyard having a real good screaming match. I told him that it will take alot longer for all of us to just drop it. And he doesnt get it. Through the whole thing all i wanted was for hubby to show some remorse..cry, try to hug one of us, reach out..something! And we got nothing! I took off my wedding rings and dropped them on the ground, he picked them up, but didnt ask me to put them back on, didnt try to put them back on me, just handed them back. I sat down crying, never tried to comfort me. Ive cried until i feel empty. I hurt! I feel worse than i did dday! I am mentally and physically broke! I yelled at hubby, told him he was selfish, that i didnt believe a word out of his mouth. He just stood there. I was so close to slapping him just to get a reaction. But i walked away hoping he would say my name, say nothing. I wish i could just disappear! I feel invisible anyway. How could he not see my pain, or the kids?

Tripletrouble posted 7/11/2013 20:51 PM

(((hugs BH))). It's so awful when they don't acknowledge the pain they've caused, both to you and the children.

anewday78 posted 7/11/2013 21:26 PM

I'm sure he's freaking out on the inside, just trying not to show it on the outside. Two very powerful realities slapped him across the face in that moment - he's lost the respect of his son (a crushing blow to ANY man, no matter how broken he may be), and his marriage is hanging by a thread (taking of a ring is a very powerful and intimating gesture, it indicates you're done). Make no mistake, he's feeling low right now. Puffing up at your son was his pride - he is frustrated and hurt that he's lost his respect... perhaps even angry. The fact that your son abided your command and proceeded to ally with you sent a clear and emphatic message. He got that message loud and clear. Try to cool down and pick up the conversation when and if you feel you can discuss it rationally.

brokenhearted76 posted 7/11/2013 21:42 PM

Oh he got several messages loud and clear. Our son, took the upper road after the blow up, and just started helping dad in the back yard. Dad was simmering and licking his wounds. But, my son paid no attention to his snippy attitude and just carried on a conversation like everything was fine. I took all my pain and anxiety and locked it inside. I smiled at my kids, and after they went inside, i even told hubby thank you for being civil with us. Took me a few minutes to calm our daughter down, she is 17 but is mentally special needs. But kiddos are now settled in bed, they are camping in the living room watching a dvd. Hubby stayed outside for a bit, but came in, cleaned up, told the kids night and love you, walked by me and reached down and touched my hair said "you know i love you" and went to our room. I went to get another pillow for the kids, and hubby is curled up asleep. I havent decided where i am sleeping yet. If it was just me, i would be long gone. But i do have my kids, and this is hard on my daughter. If she even thinks dad is leaving she throws a fit. And its obvious my son has decided he is my defender. Ugh its so hard. I do love my hubby. I really do. But i hate him to. One minute i want him to leave, the next i am terrified by the idea. I know the advice is to not make those kinds of decisions right now, and im not mentally ready to try, just wish hubby would tell me what hes feeling and whats going on in his head. Some days hes attentive and acts like. Hes sorry. Some days hes a totall ass.

anewday78 posted 7/11/2013 21:57 PM

Broken, I think your son's comment about the A caught him completely off guard. I'm not sure he'd have the same reaction if you were the one throwing it in his face at that moment. Perhaps he'd have hung his head in shame and shut his mouth if it were you bringing it up. He may think it's not your son's place to get involved in adult matters such as this. As wrong as his affair was, and as well intentioned as your son may be, it may be a good idea for junior to show a little more respect to his father. He may benefit from some counseling along with dad. Your husband may benefit from a friendly reminder that this is one of the many unintended consequences of his wreckless actions. There is a telling moment in all of this - when your husband made it a point to tell you he loves you before he went to bed. He knows this is because of him and he held his reaction in tonight because he didn't want his family to see him crack. Encourage a calm and open minded conversation about what happened tonight when you feel you can address it respectfully with him.

anewday78 posted 7/11/2013 22:01 PM

Wait, I just read your profile. Is your son from a previous marriage or is your current husband his bio dad?

brokenhearted76 posted 7/11/2013 22:26 PM

My "background" is complicated. I had my daughter when i was younger. I dont regret a second of it. Her bio dad was never allowed in the picture for legal reasons. I dont want to open those wounds right now. Anyway, then i met my sons bio dad, we had grown up together, so i thought life was perfect. Fast forward to 2005, find out hes been cheating for yrs with the same woman. So we divorced. Then i met my current hubby. He was truly prince charming or so i thought. He adopted my daughter after we married, and plans were falling into place for him to adopt my son this year. My son was 5 when his bio dad left, hes now 13. Hubby was the only real dad they knew. They know that technically he is "stepdad" to my son, but we never dwelled on that. Hubby did all the daddy things, and has always been called daddy by my kids.

anewday78 posted 7/12/2013 06:09 AM

Okay, that makes sense. Have you guys talked about counseling?

Reality posted 7/12/2013 08:44 AM

I am totally not for the line that your son needs to "show your husband respect" in that situation.

Your husband betrayed all of you. Your son's feelings of betrayal and anger are every bit as valid as everyone else's. If your husband hasn't made an effort to be remorseful and address it in a way that helps your son, he frankly had that comment coming.

That's one thing that just isn't negotiable: respect is earned. If you act like a jerk, people will respond to that. I think it was brave and healthy that your son was able to communicate his anger and sadness in a principled manner. He could have acted out, he could have been self-harming. Instead, he was direct (which apparently your husband still hasn't been brave enough to be with the sulking and not talking to you when you were distraught) and addressed the truth of what was going on.

Reality is hitting your husband? I HOPE SO.

No coddling the guy who stood silently and let you sob. No giving him credit for patriarchal street cred (Dad must be respected and obeyed, etc)that he didn't earn in that situation: he threw a tantrum, sulked, then didn't offer anything to address directly what he did.

This isn't un-fixable, but holy hell, don't blame the 13 yr old for communicating when the father chose not to.

I have a 13 yr son, too. Really hard age under ideal conditions. Your husband chose the situation; your son didn't.

My heart is broken for you thinking of you sobbing and him standing there silent. Hugs, Broken. I'm so sorry.

unwound posted 7/12/2013 15:09 PM

I am at that point to where it hurts every time they don't reach out for you, don't cry, don't ask how they can ever make it up. This is where we have to practice detaching.

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