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Newest Member: Thranduilion (61515)

User Topic: 180 question
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS and I spoke a lot today and I gave him conditions for working on our marriage. He balked and in a round about way said he didn't think he could do it/wouldn't work/wasn't willing to commit without a guarantee it would work (I would not give him one).
He irately told me several times to go ahead and divorce him, then asked me not to leave when I got up to go (several times).
Finally he calmed down and after us both admitting we weren't in love and maybe hadn't been for a year or so (and he had an affair and admits he still loves OW) he said he thinks that divorce is the best option. I told him I thought so too and that it would be better that way.
We talked about custody,financials and I said I would email the lawyer.
We parted peacefully although I could tell he was upset.
I left to go to a friends and he texted me several times. I told him my phone was dying *it was* and he said he wanted to "clarify some things" that he would give me space (one condition I wouldn't budge on if we were to R)...and could he please talk to me tomorrow.
I agreed to that.
Should I give him a time limit or something? I can't handle talking in circles for hours and hours again. I feel like we've said all the same things. He still loves her, and I am no longer in love with him.
I know I am simplifying the can read "get me off this crazy thing" in JFO to get a bigger picture.
Any advice welcome...I thought we'd come to a stopping point but is there ever one?

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure where the 180 question was, though this does sound like a reaction to you letting go. More accurately it sounds like he doesn't want to do the work or take the responsibility of R... bu--ut he isn't sure what he has waiting on the side is better... That kind of thing ends when you say it ends.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4432 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...trying to practice 180 and he has asked to talk.
I just don't feel I can go for hours as we have been for the past 3 months.
But you're right,it ends when I end it.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39728
Member # 39728
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel in a similar situation to you. My WS says he cares about the OW and I wasn't all that surprised given that I don't think he and I are really in love anymore.
It makes this all the more complicated. I actually don't want to reconcile b/c I think we haven't been in love for a long time now. It's like two people raising children together. I'm still crushed and destroyed b/c we still had our intimacy and that was OURS and he cheated and lied and we had a 16yr commitment. Anyway, I won't do the 180 or ask anything of him. I would like the "talk" about how we're going to end this easily and the least painful for the kids. I'm sorry I don't have any real advice. Just, think about your long-term. There is love out there for you and you deserve it. I'm 44 yrs old and I know I could find happiness with someone else...or at least not be treated this way by someone I thought at least cared for and about me. Take care.

Me: BS 44yo
Him: WS 42yo
Married 11yrs; together 16yr
Kids: 8yo and 3yo
Dday: June 26, 2013
Dday #2: July 22, 2013 - found out same woman and been going on since Dec 2012.
Starting the divorce process. Listing our home. Scared but hopeful.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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