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myperfectlife posted 7/12/2013 01:11 AM

WH and I after many months of him going back and forth...came to an amicable decision to divorce today. He has said things like "I only wanted to D because of her, if she was still an option and we D I would try to be with her." He's said he's not in love with me, that he got closer to her than I thought etc etc, I told him today I wasn't in love with him anymore and we agreed D would be best for everyone.
I had a feeling he would contact her so I drove past her place and saw him leaving a few hours after our conversation. I wasn't mad, just thought it was ironic I had that 6th sense. I followed him to our house (I have my own apt now) and drove past him and kept going. He instantly began calling me (15X) and texting. I had already told him I wasn't going to talk today but would more tomorrow.
After trying to find me around town and texting me for an hour or two he agreed to talk to me tomorrow. (I only replied that he could text me the info or wait until tomorrow).
He just texted me that he had a "revelation" and that he was sorry to keep texting me but he was excited and it's important for US.
I already emailed the lawyer to draw up divorce papers.
Thoughts on this?
Thoughts on how I handle the conversation tomorrow?

gonnabe2016 posted 7/12/2013 01:24 AM

Thoughts on how I handle the conversation tomorrow?

Ummmm......don't have the conversation?

Tell him to put his *revelation* in a word doc and email it to you.

He was at OW's place earlier today. The logical mind could reasonably conclude that there is no *us* (you & him) under those circumstances.

My thoughts? Carry on with the plans to draw up the D papers.

Flatlined123 posted 7/12/2013 05:23 AM

Could it be that the OW gave him his walking papers so to speak, and now he's back pedaling because he doesn't want to be alone?

Are you plan B?

I agree, if he went to OW house, then that tells you what he thinks about you.

myperfectlife posted 7/12/2013 06:56 AM

She gave him walking papers Saturday and he's been NC since then.
However we did decide to D and she's been known to change her mind.

Lalagirl posted 7/12/2013 07:10 AM

She gave him walking papers Saturday and he's been NC since then.

I figured as such. Seems OW doesn't want him full time. Too bad, so sad.

However we did decide to D and she's been known to change her mind.

I think this is best (and I'm not one to promote D) - at least for can be stopped if he does the work...but I don't know...I fear he'll do it again with someone else if he doesn't get serious help.

I'm so sorry - big hugs to you.


sinsof thefather posted 7/12/2013 07:54 AM

I'm going to be really blunt here. It seems to me that he went there to try to make her change her mind about dumping him by telling her he weally, weally, is going to be getting divorced this time - but when he couldn't change her mind - he decided to try to make you change yours before it's too late. Not because he 'picked' you, he actually picked her, (he went STRAIGHT to her house with what he 'thought' would bring her around - that's why he even agreed to the divorce in the morning imo - he thought that would work to get HER back) but because he thought you were weaker towards him than she is and if she didn't take the bait and take him back, he would still be able to sweet talk you.

After you came to the decision to divorce he went STRAIGHT there to HER. That tells you all you need to know. If they are not 'back together' it's not because of him - it's because of her. I am just so, so angry on your behalf, and if I said what I really thought of him, I'd be thrown off these boards, so I won't. But myperfectlife, you deserve a damn site better treatment than this man is giving you. (IMO)

I think the best thing you can do for yourself (and actually for him too) is to go ahead and file. If he 'really' finds himself alone - he may actually have to start to do some serious reflection on how that came to be, and maybe start working on himself to make ANYONE want him - because without that (him working on himself) this man will stay toxic in ANY relationship he's in.

You deserve a hell of a lot better. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really don't want to hurt you any more than you already are - but in my opinion this man is just too dangerous for you to be with right now - he just will keep on hurting you with his words if not his actions. I don't think you should even consider taking him back until and unless he does some WORK on himself and starts owning his own choices and actions.

If you file and he wakes up - and does the work - you can always call it off later - if you even still want him. Now after being so blunt I want to give you a hug. ((((((myperfectlife))))))

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 7:58 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

myperfectlife posted 7/12/2013 08:17 AM

sotf, I agree with all you said.
He did initially go back to beg her back.
He started to tell her "I need space, we need to slow down, etc" and realized those were all the things I'd been telling him and it threw him for a loop.
She told him she was willing to work on things (or at least this is what he tells me, but as I've said before he's a known liar lol) and started listed all the things he would need to do: full transparency, phone, email passwords, etc.
All the things I'd said to him.
He said he asked himself what I had asked him...why would he do that work for her when he's known her 3 months, and been married to me 17 years.
One thing I've told him repeatedly through this was that he needed time to think on his own. He is terrified to be alone and that drives a lot of his actions. Times we tried to come back together and work on things he was always at my side. I told him it is not my job to keep her off your mind. I am not a replacement or a safety net.
Today when we talked he said he's not saying divorce isn't the best answer, but that he owes me the hard work and committment and he's willing to jump through my hoops and give me all the space I need to show me that.(He had demanded I move back in the house to work on us and when I refused he was irate. Like I said, he is terrified of being alone. He said I am not begging you, I just needed to say that.
I told him "I know you feel like you've turned a corner, but I thought you had done that several times already. I already emailed the lawyer for an appointment and I am not sure this changes anything. I know I can commit 100% to being divorced, but I looking at working on us...I don't know right now if I can do that."
I told him I didn't want to talk to him until at least Monday unless it was about the boys. He said that was fine (first time he's ever said that) and that he hoped I had a good day and thanked me for hearing him out.
He did also apologize for some of his previous bad behaviour and said he was still being selfish and that he had no right to be mad or upset with me, that this was all his fault and he took the blame for everything.
Maybe he's been trolling to see what words to use? Lol.
I am going to spend my weekend with the boys and relax without this on my mind.
I am in a calm stat right now and although very sad about the situation, I don't have much energy to invest in it.

silverhopes posted 7/12/2013 12:24 PM

It sounds like you're in a good place. Stay steady, you are the stable one in this situation.

If you have doubts, do what you did yesterday: drive by the OW's place and see if he's there. That he did that right away after your D talk in the first place shows where his priorities were, and he could easily be lying about their conversation to spin it in a better light (if he said that he heard your conversation with him during his conversation with her and had a "moment of clarity" from that, he could be trying to play your heartstrings). He sounds really unstable and bouncy right now - like you said, terrified of being alone.

myperfectlife posted 7/12/2013 13:53 PM

Thank you SilverHopes...that is what I am trying to do.
I can't see the attorney for another week and a half due to her schedule.
I am trying to take it one minute at a time.
It helps to have my boys here with me.

1Faith posted 7/12/2013 14:20 PM

"I only wanted to D because of her, if she was still an option and we D I would try to be with her."

Sorry but what an jackass. That really says it all.

It's all about him. Either you meet his needs or she will. Well I hope (forgive me for being so mean) that you both tell him to pound salt.

If he truly wanted to make your marriage work he would be doing everything to prove to you he loves you. Not telling you that you are one of his options.

He isn't remorseful he is desperate for someone to validate him.

Move forward with the D. What happens next time when he needs space or you aren't around to fill his every need? Does he seek it somewhere else?

He needs some serious IC. 180 him and move forward.

Sorry MPL. Really I am.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:21 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

myperfectlife posted 7/12/2013 15:20 PM

Thank you...I am 180.
Of course the roller coaster changes daily so who knows what he will say after our weekend of NC.
I feel maybe his head is emerging from his ass...but not sure I can put anymore in this.
Very sad.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/12/2013 15:49 PM

I have read this and the whole of your previous thread. I am so sorry he has treated you this way, and as many others have said, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!

If you want to, listen to what he has to say for himself, but keep on digging. If you have the energy, or even care to do so, check if he is at her house this weekend.

I would carry on with the D proceedings at this point. As you know, you can stop at any time. But if you stop them now because he says he has finally seen the light, he may very well be bullshitting you to stop you from going ahead. Prove to him that you are very much willing to D if that is what you have to do.

Stay strong xx

Mousse242 posted 7/12/2013 21:40 PM

You can get divorced and then get remarried when he does the work he needs to do. You've protected yourself, got yourself what you need financially, etc.

It puts the onus on him to DO the hard work if that's what he really wants. You can also do a pre-nup when and IF you get back together.

myperfectlife posted 7/19/2013 16:44 PM

Update to this...
I feel he HAS turned a corner.
But he also has mentioned that the MPL "he knows" would not be able to heal from this without D and that he's preparing himself for that, even though that's not what he wants.
He says he is 100% willing to do the hard work, but he also thinks I would be happier if I just walked away.
Remember this man has known me for 18 years, since we were both 18.
I told him today that the MPL that he's always known is not the one standing before him because this has irrevocably changed me.
One minute I fully believe we can R and work toward moving past this and that is what I want.
The next minute I believe D is the only option.
I am truly torn.
I look at all the options and none of them are exactly what I want.
I want this not to have happened.

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