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blakesteele posted 7/12/2013 02:55 AM

As of late I am more of a GENERAL forum shopper then a RECONCILIATION one...but this topic felt better posted here.

I, like many BS, have wrestled with my role in my wifes A. Yes, I know by ALL sources that I had no role in the A...but I struggled knowing that fact for months. I can honestly say I am fully there now.

In a recent quest to understand the HONESTY component of my marriage to my wife I have discovered the following....

Dishonesty covers up both the problems themselves and the solution to those problems.

The more facts you have, the better your understanding will be of each other. The more understanding you have, the more likely it is that you will come up with solutions to your problems.

Dishonesty creates drift.

You might assume I am condemning my wife with regards to the dishonesty that was her A. I am not.

I am wrestling with my OWN honesty issues post-A...the whole emotional roller coaster thing has me questioning what is true.

As I visit with my wife about her A there was certainly a point where she was fully aware that what she was doing was dishonest and disrespectful towards our marriage. Her A started innocently...at least not at all seeking it out...but it quickly (less than a month) got to the point where my wife knew she was dishonest.

I wonder if BS reach that point of clarity...and then decide to choose dishonesty? Specifically...lying to themselves?

I am not talking about having an A of their own...but hiding truths from ourselves to avoid something painful.

Our MC sessions of late seem to me to be unproductive....like we are stuck...and it is frustrating....and my anger appears to be the stopping mechanism. Our C is very clear that I have something to deal with, something to lean into...I wonder if this is a truth I am resisting facing?

Could be way off base...just woke up and had this thought in my head. Most of the time when this happens, it is a useful puzzle piece.

Anyone hit a wall in their journey that turned out to be truths...honesty...that they were resisting facing?

Thanks for viewing my post.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:24 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

Notmetoo2011 posted 7/12/2013 06:08 AM

I think the truth I am resisting facing is that this was a deal breaker for me. DDay was almost two years ago and I have gone from feeling like I definitely wanted to R, to feeling like I will never be able to get past what he has done, no matter what he does now. I don't want to tell him because, ironically, I don't want to hurt him.

sisoon posted 7/12/2013 09:23 AM

I've done a lot of therapy - every time I've been stuck, I could say it's been because I've been dishonest with myself.

Having said that, it's sometimes very difficult to become honest, if an issue is buried very deep.

Your MC is probably right in saying you've got an issue to resolve, but give yourself a big break on this. First, everybody has issues. Second, metaphorically speaking, your issue is probably a result of a decision you made long ago. It was probably the best decision you could make then, and it worked. Why change something that worked?

So be gentle with yourself. If the metaphor works for you, find your issues, make new decisions. (Not that it's always easy....)