I have just woken from a terrible nightmare and I really need to get it out
I have had a recurrent nightmare since meeting H 18years ago. The details vary but the basic script is that he brings another woman into our home and I either fine them in bed together- and which point he looks at me, smiles and asks 'do you blame me? Look at her and look at you!'
The other version is he brings a woman into our house and tells me he doesn't love me anymore and is leaving to be with her.
I have always hated the dreams and am always upset for days afterwards.
I woke up early and went back to sleep and had the dream this morning. This time it was the I am leaving you dream but with his ap as the other woman.
I dreamed he brought her to the house and told me he didn't love me and had been having an affair and was now leaving me for her. I go crazy trying to get him to change his mind. My mil comes round and starts screaming at us for doing this in front of our son and telling me to pull myself together but I can't cos my world has collapsed. I swing for ow but none of my punches will connect so get more and more frustrated. At the same time ow is laughing in my face asking am I really surprised. 'look at the state of you, ur nuts, no wonder he prefers me.
I am shaking as I write this because instead of ringing H for reassurance and saying I had 'that dream' again now I have to sit back and deal with the fact that after all these years my nightmare came true!
He did bring her into my home, for me to do her nails she acted like she owned the place and well outstayed her welcome. The hints she was dropping warned me that there was something between them. He says he brought her here cos he couldn't get rid of her (she is a bunny boiler) so he brought her to say, this is my wife now fuck off)He says he wouldn't piss on her if she was n fire now and has no feelings for her. It's all irrelevant to my dream world though.
At the end of the day, he had that affair, he brought her into my home and later, rather than admit what he had done he told me he didn't love me and was leaving. He changed his mind in half an hour and came back to tell me the truth but it doesn't cancel the pain of that bombshell.
MY stomach dropped like it always has after these dreams but this morning it came with the horrific realisation my nightmare actually happened
I have these nightmares too...my wife and her AP having sex...me in the corner...them laughing and looking smug.
They are occurring less frequently...but as they subside, so is my sex drive for my wife....ironic isn't it? Shouldn't it be the opposite relationship?
Breathing exercises related to anxiety help me...google breathing exercises.
For me, keeping the TV off helped...at first I thought I should watch mindless TV to distract...but this early in the morning the light patterns flashed from a TV have an adverse calming affect...so try to meditate or read or something along that line.
God be with you.
I am a bit worried that you've had another dream like this. Maybe your gut knows there is something up or that you don't know everything yet. How do you know your H's A is definitely over?
I also read your story, and the things your H told you about the A sound a bit disingenuous to me. The fact that he left you at one point - even if he did come home after an hour - suggests to me that more went on than what he told you.
I'm really sorry to be saying this, I know it's probably not what you want to hear. Sending you hugs!
I think the dreams stem further back than h but I can't be sure as we have been together so long. My previous boyfriend was extremely abusive and always told me no one else would ever look twice at me. He used to make me stand naked while he pointed out my faults and told me to change them. I have had ic years ago and I think this may have been a contributing factor.
I know h story of events doesn't really add up but he swears since his final confession of sex he has told me it all.He says that after doing the worst thing possible - sex - that he has no need to hold anything back anymore.
The other reason I think I believe him is while I was getting tt he was not really 'back' he was tring to manage his guilt so he could save the marriage without having to fully confess, protecting himself. Since the confession he has become a different person. The story never wavers except if he remembers something and then he tells me. He is completely broken by what he has done.
I think my dreams prior to the A were more about my low self esteem tbh.
I am having a hard time believing his story. It just sounds too 'neat and tidy'. How do you know when you have the full truth??
He says the reason he left for half an hour was because he was too scared to tell me of the affair and pushed me away instead cos he was sure once I knew the marriage would be over anyway so he was pulling away rather than confess the truth. He thought I could handle him leaving better then him having an affair. He admits he was a coward.
[This message edited by olwen at 4:06 AM, July 12th (Friday)]
How do you know when you have the full truth??
That's a hard one. I got very good at detecting that my H was lying, very quickly. I'd remind him how much it would set us back if he continued to lie, and how it was so much better to just get it all out now. I asked him to tell me everything if he had any feelings for me at all. Could your H write a timeline for you? Do you have access to his phone records? Emails? Is he being transparent and not hiding anything?
Is he remorseful? I don't just mean that he's 'sorry', but truly remorseful? There's a thread on here about proper remorse, I'll see if I can find it for you if you like.
As for improving your self-esteem ... I know you've said you have no money for IC, but I think it would be really beneficial to concentrate on YOU getting better. Is there any access to free/lower cost counselling where you live? Could you get some books out to help you? NOTHING you did contributed to your H's A - it was 100% his fault. As someone else said, supermodels get cheated on, too!
I feel like there should be more to his story cos he became a man I didn't know. BUT if I imagine the h I know of old how he reacted in that situation is totally believable. He wanted fun at work, someone to have a laugh with. He craved the attention but hated the constant texts from her but also was flattered. He had just started a stressful new job, I was recently diagnosed bipolar, he had just turned 40 and along comes little miss aren't I fabulous and he had his head turned. I honestly believe if she hadn't been telling him constantly how he could do better,deserved his freedom and should do what he wants when he wants that nothing would have happened past this. He soon learned if he was negative about me he got attention positive and he got a strop from her. He didn't want the attention to stop so he carried on moaning about me.After a couple of weeks he started believing all this negative stuff about me, don't forget she was in his ear all the time telling him he would be better off single. He says he took the lighter from her top and kissed her for a few reasons. 1 to show her he was his own man, 2 curiosity, he was attracted by her attitude and the life she was selling him was appealing at the time, 3 cos the attention was slowing down. After the kiss he wanted no more and I believe him. HE is not that sort of bloke I am sure. He genuinely thought he had led her on and put himself in that situation so he had to follow thru.The thought makes him sick now. He was also drunk and hasn't touched alcohol in years so 3 pints of cider would have got to him.
The reasons I believe him are, he is truly truly remorseful not just regretting doing it or getting caught. I have never known him cry so much. He got tested for hiv twice just to make sure he was clear as he was terrified when he came out of the fog that he could have passed something like that on to me. He is thoroughly disgusted with himself.I have access to his phone records. He tells me any words they have to exchange at work. He has applied for a job at the other end of the country. We are getting new phones and he asked if I wanted our numbers changed. She text him once after the a ended and he showed it to me immediately and didn't reply. He is writing me a full account of all that happened. He has been working on it all week. He has read 'helping your spouse heal from your affair' He texts me every hour at work with little compliments and big apologies. He made a full confession to his boss off his own back. He is trying to get her moved downstairs at work. he replaced everything she had touched on the house and garden asap he is also selling his beloved motorbike after I stupidly allowed her to have a run out with him not knowing of the affair at this point. IN his defence when she asked and I said yes he was frantically shaking his head at me and he said no at the same time. I didn't understand the problem til later. We talk for hours every day and he has not lost patience like he did when he was tt me. We also did a timeline together. He thanks me for helping him to end the affair and although he is heartbroken over what he has done to me he is blatantly relieved it's over between them. After 'the night' he has stopped biting his nails, he can't stand to put his fingers in his mouth, he has lost 2 stone through being unable to eat. He now comes to bed with me every night instead of staying up late to watch tv.
he is trying really hard to be honest with himself and find out why he did it. He thinks it was a
need for outside attention cos he was feeling low and didn't feel he could come to me cos of what I was dealing with. She was an outspoken in your face kind of person and
she offered what he felt he needed. He has also said he has been a terrible husband and was blaming my illness for a lot of it which is rubbish cos I am well managed but he started believing the crap he was telling her to get the attention. He also finds it hard to say no to any woman, he is always helping the elderly widows on our street when things go wrong with cookers, water leaks etc. He never helps the younger ones though. He had never worked with a woman before and he was very na´ve about her flirting.
When my dad went missing it was h who went to the house and broke in to find my dad dead in his bed. It was the day before my dads 67th birthday and he had been dead approx. 4 days. Not a nice sight yet he identified the body, dealt with the police, arranged the funeral and all the bank and benefits stuff. He took a week off work to do it all for me. Even thought I was half way through trickle truth and we were in separate beds he would lie down with me every morning so I wouldn't wake alone and be hit with the realisation my dad was dead.
This has actually helped me to realise he really is not a bad man and how hard he is trying.This affair was just NOT his way. The more I write the more I believe him. It would be in his nature to try and protect me from the painful truth, to go through with it cos he couldn't think straight and didn't want to offend her in case she told me. Most of all the fact he stopped after seconds. That way he would feel he had done what she wanted but in the littlest way he felt he could get away with. After the affair he did jobs for her like filling her car and going with her shopping at lunchtime even though there was nothing more physical between them out of sheer terror that she would tell me. SHe kept making veiled threats of this to him. She also followed him home from work many times which he was scared stiff about.
If I trust I know my H I can believe what he says.
Thank you, I am doing my cognitive behavioural techniques the best I can and remembering what my psychologist went through with me.
Great, good for you. Keep it up!
He wanted fun at work, someone to have a laugh with. He craved the attention but hated the constant texts from her but also was flattered. He had just started a stressful new job, I was recently diagnosed bipolar, he had just turned 40 and along comes little miss aren't I fabulous and he had his head turned. I honestly believe if she hadn't been telling him constantly how he could do better,deserved his freedom and should do what he wants when he wants that nothing would have happened past this.
I know this is really hard, but you are still making excuses for him. However:
The reasons I believe him are, he is truly truly remorseful not just regretting doing it or getting caught. I have never known him cry so much. He got tested for hiv twice just to make sure he was clear as he was terrified when he came out of the fog that he could have passed something like that on to me. He is thoroughly disgusted with himself.I have access to his phone records. He tells me any words they have to exchange at work. He has applied for a job at the other end of the country. We are getting new phones and he asked if I wanted our numbers changed. She text him once after the a ended and he showed it to me immediately and didn't reply. He is writing me a full account of all that happened. He has been working on it all week. He has read 'helping your spouse heal from your affair' He texts me every hour at work with little compliments and big apologies. He made a full confession to his boss off his own back.
This is all good stuff. I'm glad to hear that he is reading up on how to help YOU heal, not just focusing on his own sense of shame. Great that he showed you when she texted and told you what she said at work.
Olwen, his behaviour is really encouraging at this point. The proof will be in the longevity - give it time, and see if he keeps it up. Good luck
He has also said he was low, weak, selfish and pathetic. It was all his fault cos he had the choices to make and he made the wrong ones. He says all he wanted was attention from this woman but he now sees he shouldn't have gone there and should have come to me.
he says attention was the reason he had the affair, once he had it he didn't want to give it up. The reason he gave himself permission to do so was at first cos he told himself our relationship was worse that it was, classic cheater talk I have now learned, and later cos he was scared she would tell me and he had realised at that point he wanted me not her.
I think his most honest answer is that he wanted 'a bot of fun' on the side to make work more fun and to get him attention and make him feel good
So which are reaons and which are excuses?
I wrestle with the whole reasons and execuses things too...I am 10 months out. sigh.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:20 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]